I’d have to say I really started noticing I had a weight problem when I was pretty young, about junior high school. All the girls were of course much taller, prettier and you guessed it, more popular than me. I began realizing why, too, and it was a reason that made me so self conscious that I became almost a recluse. I was fat. There isn’t any two ways about it, no nicer way to put it. F – A – T. I was full of belly rolls and double chins and arm jigglies. And of course, once your realize it, you go through all the steps.
Denial. I ate what I wanted and got bigger. I’m not fat. I’m just big boned.
Anger. “Why me, what’s wrong with how I look? Why does everyone hate me?” Which reinforced the comfort eating.
Bargaining. I made a deal with myself. I’ll diet if you lose weight. It sometimes worked. Until I’d plateau. Then all was lost and I fell back into the former two steps.
Depression. Which REALLY led into comfort food eating, Not only that, but I began really hating myself, how I looked and this led into how I acted, how I spoke, moved around, fit into the world.
Acceptance. Which, sadly, kind of started the whole cycle over again. Yes. I’m fat. Yes, dieting doesn’t help. Yes, I’m hopeless so I might as well just keep eating.
It was pretty awful, and pretty scarring. I treated myself worse than any of the people around me. It led to some dark times in my life. I would spend most of my time inside, on the couch and eating. You couldn’t pay me to get up and go for a walk. What was worse was watching all those televisions shows and movies and commercials and seeing what I was supposed to look like. Proof that I was meant for a miserable lifestyle.
It took a lot for me to even realize that surgery might be an option. I did keep trying to diet. I did every fad diet out there, I did every new diet, I did every old diet, I starved myself, I gorged, I bought pills, I bought shakes… It was when I was finally beginning to consider something as drastic as bulimia; I knew it was time for some kind of OTHER more healthy drastic option. But I didn’t know where to start. My Primary Care Physician didn’t suggest surgery. All she could offer me was therapy, to which I went and in 3 sessions never covered my weight problem. That was enough of that to show me a psychologist couldn’t help with my weight. It was something I had to do on my own.
My health was getting worse with my weight gain. It was starting to become less of an image thing (Even though it still played a major role) and more of a stay alive thing. I had developed sleep apnea, high cholesterol, bad joints, and was on the road to diabetes. I was afraid I would be a diabetic at my wedding (in one year). It figures that it was my finance that first brought up the idea of surgery. He’d watched me struggle with my weight problem for 1- long years. He’d been through it with me every step of the way and watched me fail time and time again. He knew the cost it was dealing on my emotions and mentality. And he also knew it was time for a new decision. He gave me a card and told me to call this office and ask about a seminar. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I did what he asked and found out there was one that very same night. I figured it for a good sign and went.
It was here that my long journey to a healthier, happier life began. I sat in a room, looking around at a bunch of much older, larger women than I, knowing I had the right place and wondering if I should really be there at all. Soon enough a balding man entered with a lap top and set it up and introduced himself as the actual surgeon who would be performing the actual surgery. That was mind boggling to me. A doctor doing free seminars on a procedure to make you healthy again. I thought that was something unheard of. This is how bleak my view of the world was. Dr. Rayford Krugger, M. D. explained in great detail exactly what it was he did. The details of which I’ll leave for you and goole.com to talk about. The name of the procedure he does is called a Roux-En-Y, which is one of many different variations of Bariatric Surgery. He went on to explain the benefits, which included 70% excess weight loss, reduced if not eliminated meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, and general improved health over all for life. FOR LIFE. That wowed me. And then I understood completely when the video was started. We were shown the surgery in detail, how it worked, what it was about, which, to be frank, means you hardly ever eat again. Your stomach is the size of a large egg. For life. Well that explained it. But it was when the testimonials began that I was starting to see this might be the right thing for me. Many men and women, much older but much thinner than I began speaking about their experiences before and after surgery. And I swear to you, every single one of them said “I wish I’d done this when I was younger.” I’m 24 years old (23 at this time). “I’m younger than them,” I thought. “Maybe I really ought to start looking into this thing.” But then, the video began explaining downsides and risks. There is always a risk when you go into major surgery that you will never wake up, have sever infections, but this surgery involved risks such as leaks, reactions to anesthesia, obstructions and strictures, internal bleeding, and so on. It was not an easy way out, a lazy way out. It was going to be a major decision that would require lifelong commitment. I took 2 weeks to finally decide I wanted to do this.
And so made the appointment that changed my life forever. It was a long and arduous task, going through all the qualifications and specifications necessary to be approved for surgery. Dr. Krugger’s program was very thorough, and demanding, but it ensured you would be a good candidate. There were meetings with nutritionists, psychologists, nurses, cardiologists, pulmonologists, and Dr. Krugger himself. They all worked together in this very well thought out program to ensure you could handle the changes to come, the lifestyle changes, dietary changes, psychological changes, and most of all, the physical changes. Beyond that we also had to go to 4 weeks of support groups for pre-ops like me. I met 7 other women in my group who were, again, all older and larger than I, and we talked, bonded, planned, and prepared together. We learned and laughed and cried together. It was a new and exciting experience, because up until now, I was very antisocial, very reclusive. I wasn’t ready to share this vulnerability with anyone. But here they were, sharing it right back with me. It was an amazing experience.
Before I knew, I had gotten a phone call from the surgeon’s office telling me I was approved for full coverage by insurance, by the doctors, and by the surgeon to get a date. July 12, 2006. It was less than 3 weeks from that very day. I was thrilled, and terrified, all at once. The risks were very present in the foremost of my thoughts, 24/7. I knew I had until the moment they put me under to say I changed my mind, but I wanted to be brave. I’d come this far and learned so very much about the procedure, but most of all, about myself. About how I worked, how far I’d come in life and how helpful and positive this surgery could be for me. It was a decision I’d made just for me. The first ever of its kind. And the biggest and most important to date.
Three weeks flies by, really. You never notice how fast time goes until you’re counting down to something so major. Before I knew it my bag was packed and I was wearing my most comfortable pajamas to the hospital on the morning of July 12th. I was weighed in, changed into a johnny, hooked up to an IV and waited. My mother and fiancé were there with me. We talked, joked, smiled… all the while in the back of my head, I was hoping it wouldn’t be the last time I did this with them. The risks weighed on me more heavily in that last hour than any other time. Then the anesthesiologist approached my little cubical in prep and explained what was to come. I said my “I love you” and “Goodbye” to my loved ones. It was the “see you soon” that made me smile and finally FINALLY say to myself “I’m ready.” I was wheeled into the operation room, hooked to all kinds of machines, given oxygen, and the last thing I saw as a blurry vision of the man over my head (the one to put in my trachea tube) and he told me, “We’ll see you in a few hours, but don’t worry, to you it’ll only be a few minutes.” I remember giggling a little into the oxygen mask and everything went dark.
I woke up a few minutes (hours) later as I was being wheeled back to my little cubicle, everything was muffled and dark and blurry as I was coming out of the anesthesia, and I heard someone say “You’re just fine, you did very well.” I somehow remembered a horror story of someone waking up mid-surgery with the tube still in their throats, so the first thing I did was touch my throat and make a thumb gesture for “out”. That got a laugh from many voices all around me and I heard someone say, “Oh yes, its gone, you’re fine.” I wasn’t really in pain, there was just an immense amount of pressure in my abdomen (it was gas from laparoscopic surgery… look it up), and I couldn’t stay awake for the life of me. I realized there was no reason at all to do so, so I passed back out. The next time I woke up I was barraged by nurses and assistants, getting me ready to move me to the ICU. There, I saw my family, got some flowers and slept a whole lot. I was hooked up to a self-administered morphine button, and I used it more or less to its fullest extent. I was in a lot of pain. And this lasted through my entire hospital stay and the 2 weeks following that I was out of work. Between the actual scars, the gas from surgery, the pain of trying to drink, and just general uncomfortablness, I was using my pain meds regularly. Maybe I’m a wimp. But they gave that stuff to me for a reason. I had a lot of visitors that told me I looked good, if not tired, and my fiancé and my cat took very good care of me. When I went in for my check-up at the end of the 2 weeks, I was astounded to find I had already lost 15 lbs, and all of my clothes were very loose fitting. I stopped using my sleep apnea machine and just felt good.
Frankly from there its been a very long and ongoing thing, every day is a new day when it comes to food (which I do not obsess over anymore). Some days particular foods hurt or don’t. It just depends on the day. I can’t eat sugar or high fatty foods, I need to eat 65 g. of protein per day, and at least 64 oz. of fluid, and I MUST take a multivitamin every day. This is how I live not. It is not a diet. It is life. There is a big difference, and trying to do this on my own without this fabulous tool I do not think I would have been able to do it. I am never hungry, I am more energetic, happier, healthier and much more social. I go out, I have friends, I have a life. And I’m very proud of myself. I made a decision for me and I never would change it. I would most defiantly do it again if I was given the option to turn back time.
This is not for everyone. But it is for me. My self image is improving every day, although most of the time its hard for me to see a difference. But when I look at a “before” picture, my heart lightens and I know I’ve come such a long way in such a short time. I am a beautiful woman who made the right decision. I could not be happier with anything else.
220 lbs
4 days Pre-Op at my heaviest
At my niece's first birthday party
197 lbs
3 weeks and 3 days Post-Op
Down 2 pant sizes!!
