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 It's something I have to practice.  I've know this info in the past.  I can direct my thoughts and not just let them flow uncontrolled in my mind.  If I think negatively--like I usually did-- then I will tend to have more bad days.  Conversely, if I think positive thoughts, then I can be positive throughout the day.  I'm taking the effort to check myself during the day.  I'm writing notes on this throughout the day in much the same way that we track our food whenever we need to check our eating.  It's not really a journal, but I am writing down what I am thinking at various times of the day.  By the way, I'm not recording negative thoughts.  Rather, I'm reminding myself to just let them go.  What's past is past.  I have a problem with this and will have to continue to work on it.  If I say or do something that someone may not agree with, I worry about it and make the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.  I'm getting too old for that nonsense.

I'm also writing down positive statements that I can use to motivate me like "I can do all things through God who strengthens me."  I'm highlighting them now and will keep them in a special place.  I think I may even make flash cards from them by printing them on index cards andd cutting up the index cards so I can carry a few around with me.

Life looks brighter already.  Yeah, I know I'll have to be on my meds for manic-depression for life.  But now I don't have to fear being happy.  I know that sounds stupid, but I used to confuse happiness and being manic.  By being aware of what I am thinking, I sould be aware of my moods.  And, I know my moods tend to last a short time if I am properly medicated.

I felt dizzy in the few days before New Year's but didn't want to tell my wife and ruin her holiday.  She had her mother and brother visiting for the long weekend.  After they left on Sun, 01-02-11, I told my wife Karen how I had felt.  I had felt woozy  upon rising in the morning and was afraid of what had caused it.  I had been having a hard time with insomnia for a few days but didn't think that was the cause of my problem.  As time went on, I became concerned every time I went to use the PC because my fingers were not typing what my brain was thinking.  I'm a touch typist and generally do not need to look at the keys to type.  That actually confuses me at times because I no longer have to look for the keys, I know they go with certain fingers.  Of course I make mistakes and I can make monstrous mistakes when I sit down to type and do not have my index fingers over the "home keys of F and J."  Thank God there is that little ridge on those keys to remind me where to start.  Well, I was making all kinds of mistakes and I couldn't correct them fast enough.  I finally gave up and just posted with the mistakes.  That may have been good for me, but no one understood what I was posting and I got no responses.

I knew that I was going to see my shrink on Wed, 01-05-11 so I had my wife come with me when I went to see him.  In the interim, I had sent an e-mail about my condition to a few trusted friends and relatives.  I brought a copy and gave it to the shrink.  He said that, other than a lot of typos, the writing was clear and that there was no indication of a stroke -as I had feared-- or of a manic attack.  He said I was obviously sleep deprived and suggested that I go home and get plenty of sleep.  I asked about possibly getting a CT scan or blood work but he said they were unnecessary and then he talked to my wife about what a hypochondriac I am and how I'm always butting in when he's trying to talk.  HE also said that he would continue to be my shrink, but that MY LIFE WOULD BE TERMINAL  unless I lost some serious weight.  I've been seeing him for several years and he never said that before.  However, he went on Atkins this past summer and has lost 40 lbs and has that fist time loser's zeal.  He made an appt to see me again on 03-30-11.  I still didn't feel well., but went home and got about 14-18 hrs sleep per day for the next several days. 

By Sun, I was still having the same problem with the typing, so I told my wife that I was going to call my primary doc's office on Mon 01-10-11 to see if he wanted me to have any tests done before my appt with him on Mon, 01-17-11.  I called the doc's office Mon morning and he called back later in the day.  He had us come down to get a script for blood work and he set up an appt for a CT scan.  By the time the scan was done on Th, my typing seemed to be getting better and I started feeling better.

When I saw my primary of 01-17-11, I had my wife come with me because she had been a witness to what had gone on at the shrink's office.  I hoped that everything was alright and my primary said that it was.  I did not have a stroke.  The Shrink had been right.  All's well that ends well.  This past week I had my yearly echo because I have a small hole in my heart valve.  My cardiologist has told me that I'll eventually need an operation to repair it, but they have to wait for the hole to get larger.  Sounds strange to me, but I'll see her in mid March to discuss it.  I got weighed at doc's and now weigh 336 which is the lowest weight in I don't know how long--at least the lowest weight since several years prior to my original RNY.  Now I have my sights on getting between 325 and 330.  I feel better, I want to exercise more, and I want to stay on my post-op food plan.  That is, I'm not eager to cheat.  Bob

 Quite simply, I started working the written exercise in the Beck Diet Solution Weight Loss Workbook.  I lost the weight between the beginning of Jan 2009 and mid May 2009.  I wasn't doing a lesson per day--Dr Beck calls the lessons "Days",  She has them arranged further into weeks.  Thus, ideally, doing 7 Daily Lessons over 6 weeks results in 42 Daily Lessons in the course of 6 Weeks.  The time frame doesn't matter.  The important thing is to work the lessons in succession as they are presented in the book.  I knew when I glanced at the book, that I would never permanently do some of these lessons.  But, I did try each one for at least one calendar day.  I know my own nature and I know that I rebel against an extremely rigid environment.  This applies to me.  Many other people have been able to follow her program to the " T."

My problem came after I did the 42nd lesson or Day.  She does write about maintenance but I had reveled in having to have some sort of lesson or schedule to follow.  As I don't handle rigidity well, I also flounder in total irresponsible freedom.  I didn't know what to do.

So, I did what I had always--and I do mean ALWAYS did when I was confused.  I kind of huddled up in a little ball emotionally and then I celebrated my completion of the program and my weight loss by eating some addictive food.  I didn't regain a single day of absitinence from my addictive foods until sometime in Nov of 2010.  But, that didn't last long either.  

I did forgive myself my indescretions.  My cardiologist noted that I gained 20 lbs between June 2009 and Aug 2010.  But, then I gave up my addictive foods, started to get moderate exercise ( I hadn't done any regular exercise at all since my original RNY on 11-14-2000) and I subsequently lost 21 lbs by the time I saw her in Nov.  All of that eating and I had actually lost 1 lb.  I don't recommend that.  Luckily, even I have mentors in OH and I searched for them and contacted them and got some pointers.

I thought it would be great if I could be clean and free from my addictive foods by Christmas, but that did not happen.  Mea Culpa--it's my fault.  On the other hand, I don't BLAME my personal human nature.  It has been very difficult for me to truly forgive myself when I screw up.  I usually beat myself up emotionally and sometimes physically.  I don't really cause physical harm, but I have been know to beat my head against a wall (mildly) or to hit myself in the head as if to knock some sense into myself.  For some reason that gets my attention as being wrongful behavior.  

So,now it's 3:55am on Mon, 12-27-2010.  I plan to wake up later this morning and start using Beck's.  I know i may start of slowly.  That's how life is.  And, I will again have to work my program an hour at a time ( see my Latest Posts from anytime that I've posted.  I don't feel like explaining that now).  Eventually I'll be able to work my program a calendar day at a time knowing that I can always go back to working it by the hour when I face difficulties.  And, I know that I only have today.  We are usually only aware of our existence in the here and now.  I can plan in general for tomorrow but I have enough to take care of by living one day at a time.  

I was slowly gaining weight due to my carb addiction and being a junk food junkie.  I had to leave the gym I had joined because I fell on their property twice in one week and they cancelled my contract fearing that I might sure them.  I joined a YMCA about a year later to use their pool, but I started to have weeping eczema on my foot and was not allowed in the pool with that condition.  My problem is that the foot would start to heal but reopen after going to the pool.  So, I quit going to the YMCA.  I was gaining weight and I didn't know how to stop.  I've had my food addiction for about 40 years and it really gets me down sometimes. 

This year I went searching for a solution for the umpteenth time.  I started reading a book on behavioral modification but noted that it was written in 1990.  Knowing how theories and methodology change over the years, I wondered if anyone could recommend something more current that might help me.  I posted this question on the Main Forum in early Jan of this year and a woman who is a therapist and who is a food addict in remission suggested that I get a copy of the BECK'S DIET SOLUTION that she uses with individual and group clients.  It is not a diet.  Rather, it is a resource of techniques to use with any nutrirional diet.  The author only asks that you take the steps in order.

I got the book and read the first 4 chapters in a couple days.  I have been free from the compulsion to eat my addictive foods since 01-29-09.  I have also lost over 29 lbs in that time.  This is the first time I have lost weight in about 3 years.  The book has transformed my thinking and my life.  I am bi-polar and was alway just OK.  Now I am happy.  I was always cautious and now I'm optimistic.  I know that my illness will continue to prevent me from working and that I will be on meds for it for the rest of my life.  But, I feel like God has given me a miracle.  All I have to do is to continue to follow the exercises in the book which enable me to stay on my diet.  The cognitive therapy techniques have taught me how to deal with life without turning to food. 

I'm totally amazed at the transformation in my life in such a short time.  Bob

I switched HMOs due to premium increases and I now have AmeriHealth through the FEHB (federal employees and retirees).  I had a change of meds in Oct, 2006 and started to lose some more weight.  The biggest difference is that I am feeling well.  I joined a gym in Jan 2007 and go for aquacise in a therapy pool.  I'm now going there 6 days a week, M-Sat.