How I lost 50 lbs 5 years post-op

Dec 26, 2010

 Quite simply, I started working the written exercise in the Beck Diet Solution Weight Loss Workbook.  I lost the weight between the beginning of Jan 2009 and mid May 2009.  I wasn't doing a lesson per day--Dr Beck calls the lessons "Days",  She has them arranged further into weeks.  Thus, ideally, doing 7 Daily Lessons over 6 weeks results in 42 Daily Lessons in the course of 6 Weeks.  The time frame doesn't matter.  The important thing is to work the lessons in succession as they are presented in the book.  I knew when I glanced at the book, that I would never permanently do some of these lessons.  But, I did try each one for at least one calendar day.  I know my own nature and I know that I rebel against an extremely rigid environment.  This applies to me.  Many other people have been able to follow her program to the " T."

My problem came after I did the 42nd lesson or Day.  She does write about maintenance but I had reveled in having to have some sort of lesson or schedule to follow.  As I don't handle rigidity well, I also flounder in total irresponsible freedom.  I didn't know what to do.

So, I did what I had always--and I do mean ALWAYS did when I was confused.  I kind of huddled up in a little ball emotionally and then I celebrated my completion of the program and my weight loss by eating some addictive food.  I didn't regain a single day of absitinence from my addictive foods until sometime in Nov of 2010.  But, that didn't last long either.  

I did forgive myself my indescretions.  My cardiologist noted that I gained 20 lbs between June 2009 and Aug 2010.  But, then I gave up my addictive foods, started to get moderate exercise ( I hadn't done any regular exercise at all since my original RNY on 11-14-2000) and I subsequently lost 21 lbs by the time I saw her in Nov.  All of that eating and I had actually lost 1 lb.  I don't recommend that.  Luckily, even I have mentors in OH and I searched for them and contacted them and got some pointers.

I thought it would be great if I could be clean and free from my addictive foods by Christmas, but that did not happen.  Mea Culpa--it's my fault.  On the other hand, I don't BLAME my personal human nature.  It has been very difficult for me to truly forgive myself when I screw up.  I usually beat myself up emotionally and sometimes physically.  I don't really cause physical harm, but I have been know to beat my head against a wall (mildly) or to hit myself in the head as if to knock some sense into myself.  For some reason that gets my attention as being wrongful behavior.  

So,now it's 3:55am on Mon, 12-27-2010.  I plan to wake up later this morning and start using Beck's.  I know i may start of slowly.  That's how life is.  And, I will again have to work my program an hour at a time ( see my Latest Posts from anytime that I've posted.  I don't feel like explaining that now).  Eventually I'll be able to work my program a calendar day at a time knowing that I can always go back to working it by the hour when I face difficulties.  And, I know that I only have today.  We are usually only aware of our existence in the here and now.  I can plan in general for tomorrow but I have enough to take care of by living one day at a time.  

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