How I feel -Piece by Piece - Brick by Brick by Teena Adler

Apr 16, 2011

I have this sense that things are finally starting to look up for me and at this moment in time don't feel lost. 

After being sick for so long (not WLS related) and in and out of the hospital (Dec 2010 (two weeks), Feb 2011 (two weeks), March 2011 (two weeks) I was begining to think it just was not meant to be for me to be breathing on this earth.

My body was fighting itself and kicking my ass in the process. 

This is sick and twisted, but for once when I was sick and on the verge of death I did not have to string up the rope, pull the trigger, walk into oncoming traffic on the highway, pop the pills, or use my knife or razor blade to slit the vein, or set myself on fire. 

Yes, those are all things I have done before. 

Not sure what it is at this point, but I so wish I did.

I know that through my experiences, strength, and hope that I sometimes help others realize that there are other options and life after a mental illness diagnosis.

That can't be the only reason I have beat the statistics and have survived as many times as I have been near death.

My ass don't have any more lives left as I have used up all nine and then even used up the ones I have/had on lay-away.

 LMAO.

The life I have led has been so disgustingly sick, harsh and just cruel that people find it hard to believe all that I have survived.

Hell sometimes I don't or can't believe it and I lived it.

The things I have been through have made me a stronger woman in alot of aspects, but in other ways I AM UTTERLY BROKEN in a way that no one could ever understand.

Not even my family or closest friends.

To live a life where you trust no one and you are constantly on the look out of being mistreated and screwed over because somehow someway you have the sixth sense that it is coming is no way to live.

However, I have always been right.

I equate that to living my life behind a wall of barbed wire and only letting the wounded in so I can protect them too and we can support one another.

I am terrified of getting hurt again so I block people from being in my world often.

That is not any way to live a full life in my eyes.

To me that is very sad and painful because I feel and I know I have alot to offer, but am paralyzed by fear and anxiety to let my walls down enough to let anyone in.

When I use to cut (I was a cutter and I still am when things get off the rails), do drugs, and drink heavily all those thoughts were no where to be found.

I know they were not there because when you are high or drunk you become numb.

I WAS NUMB TO THE WORLD!!!!!

After all isn't that the purpose of doing them to the point of excess?

Why feel shitty when you don't have to feel at all?

Now I feel all the time and I hate it.

At times I feel several different feelings/emotions all at one time and it gets to be to much for me and I just want to run and zone out.

I often wonder if anyone else I know besides my mentally ill acquaintances/friends from my support groups feels this way.

So many people feel the need to hide who they are and what they live with in their everyday life.

I can't do that anymore.

Mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially I can't afford to.

To much is at risk of being lost if I did.

I learned a long time ago that you are only as sick as your secrets and I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and now live my life as an open book.

Some people hate that about me and some love me for it.

People are going to love me or hate me and I really, truly, and sincerely don't give a flying fuck.  

Jimmy crack corn and I DON'T CARE!!!! 

ROTFLMAO. 

What I do care about is when people use me or waste my time with bs, lies, and games. 

I'm working on letting my walls down and letting others into my life piece by piece with one brick at a time in therapy, but it is still hella scary for me. 

I am a work in progress so stay tuned.

 P.S. I'm stuck at 162 lbs at 5'6 and want to lose 20 more lbs and have enough excess skin to make a nice sun dress with all Silence of the Lambs like. LMAO.

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