skylark2011
Summer Dreaming O.O
Mar 25, 2016
I love waking up to the sweet sounds and smells of spring. I get up pretty early in the morning, I am a morning person. Its so quiet and peaceful - nothing stirring, just listening to the gentle breeze and the birds beginning their calls. I am looking forward to summer too - I love everything about it. Looking forward to it too....except for......
My body issues! Say what??!?! I know right - but with every passing summer, I grow more uncomfortable with... my batwings. The smaller that I got, the more prominent they became. I made a vow that I would wear tank tops because it gets so hot here, and because I value the hard work that I have done to get to this point. And I did for a time, but now I have insecurities creeping up again. They remind me of the insecurities that I had when I was obese, and it isdisturbingly familiar. It doesnt add up either - home life, work life, etc, has gotten more stable, and God has provided opportunities for me to make some moves that have further increased my well being. So...now that my crisese(?) are minimal, I have time to look at some things that I want to do for me, and I appreciate that, but I also wonder if the discomfort is in part because I am just so used to having some issues with my body. Can't I be happy with what I have done? I see that I am relieved and grateful, but am not satisfied with where I am.
I started lifting weights doing some serious lower body strength training, and my butt looks amazing!! I was sad that it deflated like an old balloon, and now I really like looking at it in the mirror. You know how some guys stand in front of the mirror and flex - well I butt flex. My kids think I am goofy, and they are right, I am, but then they will say, butt flex mom, butt flex!! I have music in my head, its hilarious. I am pretty sure of what I want done and know where I would go, in the meantime there are a few things that i need to focus on and be real about.
I am at 201, and that is 17 pounds up from my comfort zone of 176-183. I really prefer the 180s, and though I know that some of the gain is muscle, I know not all of it is. So...I want to set realistic goals with my muscle gain - I think 185 is reachable. I know how and why I have gained, and with the things that I have been through in the past few years, I am grateful that it isnt more. I love my sleeve and love my healthier relationship with myself. I forgive myself and understand, and now 185 is my new goal. I'd like to reach this by my 5 year(!) surgiversary of June 9.
So, back to the lab! with gratitude - that I dont have to start from ground zero a 354 pounds.
