Looking up

Jul 16, 2018

currently 204.0

When I went out this morning, I was reflecting on how far I've come.  My highest weight around 8 years ago was 354.6...or 356.4.  That is 150 pounds.  That amount still amazes and stuns me.  This journey continues to teach me so much about myself.  I am stronger than I ever recognized.  I perservere. I care about myself. I want to continue to pursue and maintain deeper levels of freedom of mind, body, soul, and spirit. I still have habits that I am continuing to recognize and change. I've been disappointed in myself. I have been pleased with myself. I am growing more comfortable with myself.  I have been judgemental, petty, resentful, and ignorant.  I have been kind, loving, and encouraging.  I have been all over the emotional map, and my NSV goal is to continue to recognize my flaws and do better.  My weight goal is to get back to the 180s and stay there. I am very comfortable at this weight, I look great, and I can fit the pants that I could wear when I was in the 180s - they are tighter, but it still surprised me that I could even get them on.  So, why do I want to be back in the 180s?  Because I do. Because I can. and because I have observed some weird things - I dont gain weight in the same way or in the same areas as before surgery. I have been weight lifting and exercising, but when I gain weight I notice it primarily in my ARMS!!!  This is way weird to me.  It doesnt affect what I am able to wear, but its a body weirdness that definitely makes me more self conscious. 

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