Just plain pissed

Jun 17, 2010

Ok I admit it.  I have messed up. 

My day goes like this:
Wake up way to late cause I am too tired to get up at a decent time.
Eat breakfast at work at my desk.   It's anything from cereral to Qdoba.

Lunch (I don't pack it much cause I am rushing in the morning) so I eat whatever.

Leave work.  Most times it is not at my normal cut off time cause I get stuck.  Then I rush home.  Try to cook for my family or if I am too late from work, guess what, fast food.

Spend 2 hours or so with family.    Then bed.

Notice I can't tell you what I eat?   I don't eat as much as I used to, cause I can't but I ain't doing no better.   I don't exercise.   I'm too tired, not motivated.   I don't know what I need or should be doing anymore.    I have never felt so alone in my life before ever!   I can't talk to my family cause they don't understand.  

I hate this whole journey because I have slid so far off the path I don't even see the road anymore.   I can't remember the type of road it was, but I know it wasn't smoothly paved because this journey has been nothing but a struggle (except at the very beginning).

I feel like I have failed worse than any other time I tried to lose weight without surgery.  

I called the clinic and the receptionist must had heard my distress (SOS signal) cause she told me to come ASAP (tomorrow) and has a game plan for me.    Too bad I ain't got it all mapped out like she does.  I pray she knows something to help me start crawling back to the road of recovery.

This food thing, is like being an junkie.   I never been an alcoholic or drug junkie, but I am a food junkie, foodholic.

I got so much other bad stuff happening to me also all at once that some days I just wish life would end and this hellish journey would be over.   I'm too cowardly to commit suicide so I know I will not end my life. 

I'm lost, I admit it.

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