sleevicidal_maniac
Weeks 10 & 11 - a twofer
Nov 07, 2012
Today marks 11 weeks from my surgery. Yesterday was my 41st birthday. I didn't make an entry last week because we were cleaning up from Superstorm Sandy and then traveling to Puerto Rico. Everything's been a crazy blur for the last two or three weeks and life moves on. I don't really know where I'm at. In fact, I'm not really feeling "it" right now. I do know I've lost a little more weight, but just a little.
I have a few new observations. They are not positive or negative, just observations. I am going to list them below - in no particular order, just some things that popped to my head lately.
I look different. I feel different. i am surprised to see myself in the mirror. I keep changing, seems like it's happening fast. My face looks different. I think I'm going to allow my hair to grow in a little bit because it looks kind of thin on top and I think that I look younger but the thinning hair throws a counterpunch to the rest of me.
I am hungry all the time. I don't know what "head hunger" is. When my stomach gets going I try to drink some water and see if it takes away the hungries, but most of the time, it's that I need some food. I can't eat a meal, just some of this or some of that - a few ounces at a time. I eat about six or seven times a day, which is too frequently according to the plan, but it seems to be what it takes to keep me going. I have a protein shake in the morning and I count that, so I am probably only having one extra "meal", but it still is a little annoying. I feel like I always have to carry food.
I have thrown up, but only once. I get a little bit sick at least once a day. Sometimes I think it's from eating too much, but mostly I think it's from eating too fast. It took 40+ years to make that habit, I guess it will take more than 11 weeks to break it.
I hate going out to restaurants. This is a little bit of a touchy subject for me. I loved dining out - not eating out - dining out. I am a gourmet cook - so much that I considered opening a restaurant. I know all of the best places, around the state, country and the world to get the finest, most delectable goodies. I wasn't a ravenous eater or a glutton, I just really, really enjoyed going out and eating the creations of fine chefs. Now, I stare at menus and pick apart every item. I figure out why I can't have anything the places offer and end up really sour over the whole experience. It makes me sad because I know I am ruining my wife's time and while I am intentionally trying not to do that, I still am a little bitter about it. I recently went to a restaurant called Marmalade in Old San Juan, Puerto Rico. This is a 5-star restaurant where everything on the menu is a gift from above. I ordered tabouleh. WTF is tabouleh? I'll tell you - it's ground cauliflower with some cucumber and other crap in it. It's a side of veggies for goodness sake. I liked it, but it would have been much better as a side to a piece of meat or fish. If I order a piece of meat or fish, I can't eat anything else. I want risotto. I want a little piece of bread. I want to be able to eat more than a forkful of anything again. I want to enjoy a restaurant.
I still feel regret and anger. Not more than I am happy about my weight loss, but I do nonetheless. I love every minute of every day that doesn't involve food or eating. I like getting dressed and I like to go about my business and not feeling fat or being looked at. I like blending in and I like not being tired, winded, achy, bloated. I don't know if I regret not being able to do this without the help of my surgery, or if I am angry at myself for needing surgery, or angry at people who don't need surgery. I just don't know. I just know that every so often, I just feel mad that my new life, for as great as it is, no longer includes some of the very things that made me who I am.
I took of my shirt and didn't care. I have been flipping through before and after pictures. I have no pictures of me without a shirt. This is because I never went without a shirt. I was humiliated to be without a shirt. This kept me from swimming and the beach, surfing, snorkeling, diving, water skiing, just plain old being a guy in the summer. I always had a farmer's tan and I always wanted to walk around without a shirt without feeling self conscious. I was away for four days and every day, I took off my shirt and did things that the other guys were doing and nobody looked twice. It was awesome. There were other guys there who were fatter than me. I am not ashamed to say that I liked not being the fat guy.
I took my first post-VSG vacation to a sunny place and enjoyed it. Carrie and I went to Puerto Rico. We stayed in Condado. We stayed on the beach and did all the things I used to scorn - sour grapes. I loved it, it was a blend of the prior observation (taking my shirt off) and the next (activities). I look forward to another trip like this with my daughter.
I look eagerly forward to activities but still hate exercise. So, while we were in PR we did things every day. We started each day with a 3+ mile walk around the lagoon at Condado. We went kayaking once during the day and once at night in the bioluminescent bay. We hiked the waterfalls up the side of a mountain in the rain forest at El Yunque. We went snorkeling and swimming and we danced in the streets to live music. It was just amazing. Even before that, I have been walking 15 miles a week with my dog, Dallas. He wakes me up at 615 every morning and we go. I love it. I am exercising more than I have since my ROTC days 20 years ago but I still won't be going to the gym.
I want to change the rest of my life. I want to do different things. I want to do the things I haven't done in 20 years because my weight prevented it. I want to change my job, I want to move, I want to wipe the slate clean. I can make some changes, others are more complicated. I always liked doing different things. This has superseded liking and having the urge to. I really think I am going to need to change my daily scenery. I don't know why, I just know that it's coming.
I think I'm nicer. I'm just not angry or bitter any more. I used to be the life of the party, the fun guy, the one that everyone loved and followed. The fatter I got, the more bitter and unpleasant I became. I alienated some friends, estranged myself from certain family members and just generally became less nice as I became more fat. I don't hate myself now and this has made me a much better person to be around. I don't freak out as much, I enjoy being out and around other people again and, in general, I'm about back to my old self. It's nice to be nice. I had forgotten.
I still have a long way to go. I am 241 lbs which means I'm down 59 lbs since surgery and have 53 to go to make it to my final goal weight of 188 lbs. As of yesterday, I have one year to make it in time. My BP is good, but I still need medicine to keep it that way. I do not snore at all. My wife lies awake and watches me sleep in amazement. She said I sound like a baby and she thinks it's sweet. She sleeps better than she has in almost 20 years too.
I have to get back to work because there is a lot of cleanup to do since the storm. I will try to include some Sandy remembrances in my next post, for you and me. See you in a week or so.
