smlozano
06/18/08
I've been doing a lot of soul searching for the past several days, trying to piece together a lifetime of thoughts that have all contributed to the position I find myself in today. Needless to say, my emotions have been very close to the surface, and I've shed more than a few tears. There is no mistaking that this is going to be a very emotional journey, and I'm preparing myself for a bumpy ride...
If I think back to my first recollections of having issues with food, I would have to say it began somewhere around 8 years old. I'm still not entirely sure what brought it on (it could be any number of things), but I do recall feeling guilty for sneaking food that I shouldn't have, and being a major closet eater (it was always sweets). I was always taller than the other girls my age, which of course meant that I was also bigger than they were, in proportion to my height. I don't think I ever considered myself, in my mind, to be "normal" like everyone else because of this. I was always shy, and probably didn't know how to express myself well, but food was always my friend, no matter what. I don't think it was until the past several years as an adult that I've come to realize I wasn't abnormal - I just couldn't see that when I was younger.
My first diet that I can recall was at 10 years old - I was just under 5 feet tall, and weighed 112 pounds. My next diet was at 12 years old - I was exactly 5 feet tall in 6th grade, weighed 135 pounds, and wore a size 13 jeans. My next diet was at 14 years old. I was 5'4" and got up to 175 pounds and a size 16. Over the summer before my freshman year, I lost 30 pounds and grew 4 inches. I tried out for the drill team in high school and made it that next year, and felt really great about myself for a change - like I belonged. For the majority of the rest of my years in high school, I was somewhere between 160-170 pounds. Being 5'8", I still felt larger than all my friends, so it was hard for me to feel "cute" or "petite" like the rest of them.
After high school, my first year as a freshman in college was met with a knee injury 5 weeks into my first semester. It took 2 months for the doctors to figure out what the extent of the damage really was until they did exploratory surgery, so during this time, I lost all the strength and muscle I had built up in my legs from previous years. By the next year, I was up to 190 pounds, and crossed the 200 pound threshold, all the way up to 260 pounds the following year. When I met Erwin (my husband), I was at my largest, and he still loved me - imagine that! (Just a funny side-note: He thought I looked like Wynona Judd when we first met - funny, huh?)
I decided to go on a medically supervised diet before we got married, and lost about 40 pounds. After that, I just remember the scale climbing, and was devastated when I hit 300 within the next year and a half - I guess I just got way too comfortable and complacent. At 25, just over 2 years after we were married, I started having major back problems. They continued to get worse over the next 3 years, and I finally had to have back surgery in May 2001. This became a major source of depression in my life, living with constant pain for so long. About 5 months after this surgery, I decided I was going to reclaim my health and lose weight again, after basically sitting on my rear end for 3 years (since that was about all I could do). I went on the same medically supervised diet on and off for the next 2 years, and lost a total of 120 pounds. Wow - did I feel great, but I started having major anxiety and panic attacks. It took me a long time to figure out that that's what I was experiencing. I thought I had everything from MS to other neurological disorders. Had I known how powerful the mind-body connection really was, I would have gone to see a psychologist to work through the many emotions and physical changes I had just gone through. Instead, I turned back to my good friend - food - for comfort. I remember feeling like I was having an identity crisis - I knew I looked good, but I didn't recognize myself. Within a year and a half, I was right back to where I had started, and continued to climb from there. I had gone from a size 26/28 down to a 14, then right back up again, but now to a 30/32, and somewhere between a 4X-5X. Can you imagine the wardrobe I have laying around? I have never parted with any of my smaller clothes from this recent journey, because I know I will have a reason to use them again very soon (plus, I won't have to buy anything new as I lose this time!)
I know how important it is to be emotionally ready to lose weight, and I have finally come to that point in my life again, but now it is nearly 5 years later, and the damage has been done. I am now 350 pounds, and can't believe I'm actually making it public knowledge. I guess it's probably not a big surprise though, looking at my pictures for what they really are. The nice thing is that I do know my goal is within reach, and I know what I will look like in the very near future - I have some awesome pictures and "skinny jeans" to use as motivation, because I've done it before. The great thing this time, though, is that I know I can actually look forward to maintaining my success.
One of the things I've discovered about myself as I've contemplated my thoughts and emotions lately, is that I know I'm capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I've been blessed with many incredible talents, an awesome family, and a few really amazing friends, who I know I can count on to be there for me through this journey I'm about to take. The only thing, which is actually REALLY huge, is that I've never allowed myself to believe I was worthy or deserving of the good things that have come my way in life, so I've always found a way to sabotage them somehow. That is something that I'm just going to have to get over, because it is obviously not a healthy way to think or live. I know I have great potential, and there is purpose and meaning for my life. I DO deserve to be healthy, happy and successful!
What an amazing journey I have waiting for me - I'm ready for it to begin!!!
