Sometimes It's Worth the Weight

Feb 24, 2010

    After weight loss surgery, you go through so many changes.  There are the obvious external changes i.e. your shrinking waistline.  There are also the less obvious internal changes such as your lack of hunger, weird gastrointestinal happenings, which out of courtesy to the reader, I won’t get into, and increased energy.  There are numerous psychological changes, one minute you feel on top of the world and your self-confidence is at an all-time high, the next minute you just can’t let go of the fat person you once were and you can’t reconcile your new body with your old body image. Then there is one change that may be the most significant change of all, that is the change in your relationships with those who you are close to.  I’ve been on both sides of this equation; not only am I a recent weight loss surgery recipient but I am also the daughter of a not so recent weight loss surgery recipient.  When my Mom had her surgery 8 years ago, I was outwardly supportive but inwardly I was downright angry, bitter and very jealous.  Now I can recognize those same feelings in some of my closest family members and friends.  Like me, they are outwardly supportive, but being an intuitive and highly observant person, I know that inwardly they are experiencing many of the same feelings that I once felt.  I see the look in their eyes.  I hear the undertones of their voice.  I notice the avoidance.  I understand what they’re feeling because I’ve been there.  I don’t like it, but I understand it.
    Before I delve into this, let me say that most people in my life have been really and truly genuinely supportive. Weight loss surgery is a “weighty” topic (pun fully intended).  There are so many negative misconceptions about this procedure and an overabundance of ignorance when it comes to obesity in general. This ignorance is not just present in the general population but in the medical community as well.  I would say when it comes to weight loss surgery only about 50% of PCPs are on board with this as a viable solution to obesity.  This number is not based on any formal research, just my own personal observations. Nonetheless I think it may be fairly accurate.  What everyone doesn’t seem to understand is the old mantra of 'eat less and exercise more' is obviously not working.  Obesity is at an epidemic high and the medical community just keeps touting dieting as the only solution. I believe the statistic is something like 97% of all diets fail.  This doesn’t mean that obese people can’t lose weight.  We’ve all seen plenty of evidence to the contrary in the myriad of weight loss shows on TV.  Rather it means that obese people can’t lose weight and keep it off long term--with very few exceptions.  Hence yo-yo dieting and America’s obesity crisis. Still there are so many PCPs who view weight loss surgery negatively and continue to recommend dieting as the sole solution to obesity. I know that many of my friends and family also view weight loss surgery in a negative light.  However, the majority of them have treated me with kindness and compassion, and I dare say that having seen the dramatic results some may even have jumped the fence with regards to their previously skeptical opinions.  However, there are a few exceptions.  
    When my Mom had her surgery in 2001 I was one of those exceptions.  I was completely against it. Like most of America, I thought weight loss surgery was extreme and was only for quitters, those looking for, ‘the easy way out.’  I did not think it was a safe procedure. Anything that completely alters your anatomy sounded sketchy to me.  I mean was her struggle with weight so dire that she needed to cut away a large portion of her stomach and re-route her intestines?  How would it be possible for her to get her necessary nutrition?  Couldn’t she just diet and exercise?  Now mind you I was thinking these thoughts and was a morbidly obese person myself.  In fact I was at my all time high weight (which I won’t quantify on paper, thank you very much).  In my heart I honestly believed I could lose the weight if I just put my mind to it and so could she.  Now instead she would have this surgery and lose all this weight not because of any effort on her part, just because her body wouldn’t allow her to eat the way she once did.  This seemed completely unfair and far from being a commendable action.  When I dig deeper into my emotions at that time, I realize that I was indeed worried but truthfully I was also jealous and angry.  My Mom had always been the biggest person in our family and now that torch was being handed over to me and quite frankly, that was not a torch I wanted to bear. In the past, no matter how big I got, my mom was always bigger and I derived comfort from this fact.  It’s like when people purposely have a fat friend so that they can look better by comparison.  My Mom was my fat friend.  The irony was, I was everyone else’s.  I never expressed my feelings to my Mom, as communication is not my strong point.  I just let my anger, bitterness and jealousy fester.  
    Then several years later I began to have a shift of opinion. It was subtle at first but it became increasingly more dramatic through the years. After unsuccessfully dieting and exercising, I came to the decision that I needed to take more drastic action.  I was tired of being obese.  I hated myself and I felt that others hated me too.  This was no way to live.  I realized that in all of my 32 years of existence, I had never once felt attractive and if I continued to bury my head in the sand and not deal with my weight issue, it wouldn’t matter how thin I was.  I would feel unattractive just by virtue of the fact that I was old.  My health was okay at the time, but I could see a future filled with increasing health problems and an ever-increasing waistline. So I decided to pursue weight loss surgery.  The plus side of having a Mom go through gastric bypass surgery is that I was able to see how successful a tool it was.  Not only had she lost an incredible amount of weight initially, but she also kept an incredible amount of weight off for several years.  No diet had ever yielded such wonderful results. This seemed to be the only viable solution in my mind.   So on November 9th, 2009, I went under the knife, got my pouch, and my life hasn’t been the same since.
    Four months post surgery, I can say I have no regrets.  What I do have is a deeper understanding.  It hasn’t always been easy like I thought it was for my Mom.  I’ll admit that sometimes it is easy and what’s wrong with that? If someone gave you an easy solution to a difficult problem, wouldn’t you take it?  There’s very little I could do at this point to sabotage my weight loss.  However, I often find myself doing an incredible amount of work.  I have a stringent exercise regime and I am keenly aware of food labels and nutrition information.  I plan my meals and am always searching for and experimenting with new recipes.  The surgery cannot change anyone’s eating habits; that is up to the individual.  It just provides a very powerful tool to make the necessary diet alterations.  Sure there are times when I stray and fall back into to my old habits, but those times are few and far between and never like before.  Food is slowly becoming a less significant part of my life.  
At four months out, I would never have the audacity to claim that I am a success.  I know I have a long road ahead of me.  The difference in my appearance and general demeanor however is striking.  As I said before most people have been really supportive and positive, but there are a few that have seemed to distance themselves from me, those who can’t find it in themselves to say, “wow you look good,” or “great job.”  It’s hurtful, but I was in their shoes once and I understand what they’re feeling.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it is almost impossible to find happiness for someone else when you are not happy with yourself.  That is what I felt eight years ago with my Mom.  I just couldn’t be happy for her, because I was so painfully unhappy.  This saddens me more than mere words can express.  I know the pain my Mom felt living her whole life as an overweight person.  It colors every aspect of your life in a way that is profound and can only be understood by someone else who has also experienced the same thing.  For once she found a weight loss method that works and I wish I had said, “wow, you look good, great job.” I can now say that I am proud of her for having the courage to go through this life altering surgery and I hope that I can live up to her example.  
I cannot change what anyone feels and I certainly have no control over the way anyone acts.  In the past, these negative feelings of others would have eaten me alive, torn away at my soul, and made feel like less of person; but oddly enough I am only slightly hurt and bothered by these feelings.  I am extremely happy with my decision to have weight loss surgery and even happier with the results.  There is not much room for negativity and so I make it a point to banish it whenever I feel it creeping upon me. As I said before, most of my close friends and family have been very supportive and so I choose to surround myself with those people.  In the end I know that if I lose some close relationships as a result of my weight loss, it was worth the weight.
 

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