NANCY C.

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I just went for my 6 month post op check up.  The doctor is happier with my progress than I am.  I am down 80 pounds from my beginning with the supervised weight loss and then the surgery.  I really had hoped to be a little further - I still have 80 pounds I would like to lose.  He (doctor) thinks that is a normal reaction but feels my progress has been steady and all my labs look great. I don't go back for 3 more months now.  I saw my GP a couple weeks ago and he was thrilled with my overall health and said come back in a year unless I need him for something before.

I see people here that have lost 100 pounds in 4 months and it makes me think I should be losing faster.  I am 59 years old so I am not as active as others but I am walking a mile on my lunch hour and then come home and walk another mile with my dogs.  I try to eat healthy.  Still don't eat a lot of meat unless it is cooked into something like a casserole or soup. I have NO side effects - never have had dumping, never thrown up (well once but that was certainly my fault) sugar doesn't bother me, bread doesn't bother me, etc.  I was craving sushi the other day but worried about rice. I bought one roll and ate two of the 8 pieces then gave the rest to my son. It was yummy but I was satisfied.

On a positive note - I have scheduled family photo's for next month.  I asked my daughter and DIL to be if they would join me in wearing red evening gowns for some of the photo's.  We will be in the mountains of Colorado and I want to do the "Go red for heart health" and thought it would be fun to be dressed up in the woods. I was diagnosed with heart disease some years ago and have a blockage - sort of what started me on the WLS journey so I want to celebrate better health now.   I started with a size 24 dress to try on (originally I wore 28 and 30's) and it swallowed me!  YAY!!  I ended up buying a size 18.  The fact that I am even going to have pictures taken is a step of it's own!!  My son, SIL and hubby are now onboard with the formal aspect and have ordered red neckties and plan to wear dark suits.  Then we are all going to put on our blue jeans and have the photo's that look more natural for us!  

Bottom line is I have no regrets.  80 pounds lost is 80 pounds lost.  I need to stick with my food choices I know are good for me and keep moving down the scale.  

I think I am a NON loser and I am depressed.

I am following all the rules. My surgery was Nov 8 and I started my pre op diet at 291 on Oct 28th.  I am stuck on 269/270 now for the last 3 weeks. I am still doing liquid shakes and soups.  I had lost before surgery and then gained back in the hospital so since 10-28 I have lost 17lbs.  This is not what I expected at all.  I am making sure I get my protein in daily.  Seriously?  Is it possible this has failed?  It isn't like I have just a few pounds to lose.  When you start the whole process over 300 pounds you expect  weight loss to happen.  Now I have these ugly marks on my stomach, I am horribly constipated all the time, I eat these horrible chalky supplements and I just want to cry all the time now.  I don't even want to post in the forums here now.  I see the success of others losing 60 pounds in 8 weeks etc etc.  I am thrilled for them but it makes me more aware of my lack of success.  As one poster frequently says "if the number stresses you then stay off the scales" well I cannot do that.  I keep thinking at this point I MUST have finally lost a pound.  I have gone back to work and no one even notices I was gone for a month.  I should probably talk to a shrink but I used up all my time off to have the surgery.  My insurance did not pay for near all of this surgery so I am out of pocket about 15,000 which is just another insult to my lack of success.

I cry.  
Don't let anyone know.  
This was my choice
Overwhelming sadness
I cry
I am helpless
Accept the things you cannot change
No one to turn to
I cry.

Christmas is in just two weeks.  I had so wanted to surprise my family with noticable weight loss but guess that is not going to happen.  I don't know what I am doing wrong.  Once again I seem to have failed.  Am I destined to be fat for the rest of my life? 

 well I am now back to work.  I was a bit scared - what if I eat something that makes me sick? or makes me dump?  Well neither of those things happened,  Instead I had another bout of constipation.  

I was really busy going thru 4 weeks of emails and project clean up that only I can do.  And my co-workers who are really awesome funny people played the best prank on me ever.  Several months ago we had a new guy join our team and he likes to act all tough and bully llike but is actually a pussy cat!  well I put tape on the floor around my desk and advised him he had to knock on my door to talk to me (any one remember Les Nesman on WKRP in Cincinnati?)  it was a fun joke and when I went in today they had built me walls!  and made a picture of a fireplace with my Christmas stocking hung by the chimney.  It made being back at work a fun experience.  Several people mentioned I had make up on.  Well I would never go to work without makeup. so they noticed a difference but not sure what it is!  Then one guy walked by and said what had I done because I looked so much younger!  Over all it was a good day. 

Now I have to get the gym working for me!

 Wow it has been 3 weeks already!  And already I have experienced so many highs and lows.  This is going to be a roller coaster adventure I can already tell.  

I think my expectations were a little off when I started.  I remember seeing a couple of friends when they went back to work at 4-6 weeks after their bypass surgery and they looked AMAZING!  You could really tell they were dropping pounds.  It is not happening so quickly for me.  I need to determine what I am doing wrong.  I eat next to nothing but the pounds are not falling off the way I thought they would.  Perhaps I am not drinking enough water.  (Have I mentioned that I hate drinking water?)  Or perhaps I am not walking enough.  (Have I mentioned I hate to exercise?) What ever the problem is, I need to figure it out and correct the issue.  I don't have room for workout equipment at my house and the weather is turning cold so outside timing is not good.  I have always hated going to a gym - it is embarrassing.  I need to maybe find a gym with an indoor pool. I like to swim and that is supposed to be good exercise.  I should find a work out buddy but seriously it is not something I have ever done so I don't know about that!  Hmmmm seems I found my issues - exercise.  Do I need to find a therapist to work thru this issue?

What ever I do I need to do it NOW. I go back to work in a week and 1/2.  I need to have a routine in place. I guess I need to find a gym. 

Well I am now 12 days out from my RNY.  Gosh I feel really lucky. I have not had many of the severe reactions so many here have written about.  It makes me so tempted to try things though!  Yesterday I drove thru Starbucks.  My one BIG weakness is my love of a "sugarfree vanilla, non fat, chai tea latte"  and a blueberry scone.  Okay I know the scone is not good for me so I didn't order it!! I did order the latte though!   What am I doing?? Trying to sabotoge myself already??  I know that chai mix they use has tons of sugar in it and the Dr. said I would react to sugar!!  Maybe because I have NOT had any reaction I need to see that limitation happen?  Well it didn't happen.  I ordered a tall instead of my usual Venti size and the staff, so used to my order, just went ahead and made me the Venti!  I waited to take a sip until I got home and then I went very slowly.  I did not drink near all of it because I knew I was not supposed to have it.  I had no reaction to it what so ever.  WHAT?? No reaction?? You mean I am going to have to give this up by my own willpower??  

I guess it comes down to my need to control myself.  That has always been so hard for me - hence the reason I got so fat!!  I sort of expected my body to reject all sweet or fattening foods that I try to eat and my body doesn't seem to care!  This may be harder than I thought.  Now I am scared I won't be successful. 

Pray. Pray. Pray

How did I get to this point?

It was different for me!  I have thought of WLS for 7 or 8 years and just kept telling myself to get with the program and lose weight.  Stick with a diet!  You are weak I would tell myself!!  I grew up skinny. I was a cheerleader and studied ballet.  NEVER did I think weight would be an issue for me.  Not sure why I thought that, my father dealt with weight his entire life.  He would say some people eat to live and I live to eat. He loved food, loved to cook and loved to share with us as children all the gourmet items he made.  My brother is heavy but very active and keeps it under control. My sister is about 80lbs overweight.  Why did I think I would not have the problem?

I asked my physician one day why he never scolded me about gaining weight every time I came in and he said "You know what you weigh. You know what you need to do.  When you are ready to get serious, we will talk".  WOW   So that is where the talk started.  I had been feeling crappy for about a year.  When we would have a blood drive at work I would always donate but for the last year I had been declined.  My doctor ran a few tests and said I was losing blood and very anemic.  He scheduled me for a colonoscopy and EDG the next week.  What those results found were bleeding ulcers, a hiatal hernia and the beginning of serious esophogus erosion.  He took me off my low dose aspirin and doubled me up on Nexium and had me start taking iron twice a day.  I returned in two weeks for a recheck.

When I went for my recheck I asked him about if I would be a candidate for WLS.  He said he thought it would be a good option for me and would possibly add 20 years to my life.  ADD 20 YEARS???  I'M 58 AND I DON'T HAVE 20 YEARS LEFT??? HOLY SHIT!!  He gave me the name of a surgeon that he believed to have the safest statistics and the best results.  I made the call that day.

Here I am now, one week post op.  I don't know if this blog is private or public.  If anyone else can read it and it helps them in their journey then hooray.  But the blog is written for me.  To journal my thoughts and experiences. 

November 15, 2011