Self-Care (borrowed from another site)
Oct 14, 2020
Here’s how you can reward yourself for losing weight:
- Have a facial
Budget: Give yourself a facial at home
Splurge: Have a facial at a spa
- Have a movie night
Budget: Have a romantic movie night at home with your partner
Splurge: Go see a film at the movie theater
- Enjoy some entertaining reading
Budget: Buy a magazine
Splurge: Buy a book
- Get a massage
Budget: Organize your partner to give you a massage
Splurge: Schedule a massage appointment
- Get a new haircut
Budget: Do it yourself!
Splurge: Schedule a hair salon appointment
- Encourage your new running hobby
Budget: Purchase a running app
Splurge: Buy a new pair of running shoes
- Buy yourself a blender
Budget: Go for a mini blender
Splurge: Buy a normal size blender or juicer
- Buy some flowers
Budget: Buy a small bunch of tulips
Splurge: Buy some roses
- Get a manicure or pedicure
Budget: Do your own manicure or pedicure
Splurge: Have a manicure or pedicure at a salon or spa
- Invite some friends over for dinner
Budget: Have everyone bring a little something to eat – friends are always happy to do that! Just give guidelines on what to bring so that it will be easy for you to stick to your diet
Splurge: Cook a delicious but healthy meal with some wine for your friends
- Buy a kitchen scale
Budget: You can get a basic kitchen scale reasonably.
Splurge: There are certainly more expensive scales available – the difference is usually in design and precision
- Buy a new bathroom scale
Budget: A great reward if you don’t have one, the one you have is not working properly or you’ve just seen one you need to have!
Splurge: Buy a scale that can measure your body fat too
- Take a mini holiday
Budget: Go for a day trip by car or public transport
Splurge: Book a relaxing long weekend
- Buy new workout gear
Budget: Depending on your budget choose one item: socks, top, leggings…
Splurge: Buy a whole new outfit, from head to toe
- Take a cooking course: learn to make Thai or Indian food, or sushi!
Budget: Enroll on a local course
Splurge: Take a cooking course at a restaurant or by a famous chef
- Take a course on something you’ve wanted to learn for a while
Budget: Take an online course if it’s something you can learn online
Splurge: Enroll on a face-to-face course
- Buy a gym membership
Budget: There are a lot of budget gym chains, try for free before you buy a membership
Splurge: Get a membership at a gym that offers yoga, zumba and other exercise classes as well
- Go see a play, concert, musical or a comedy night
Budget: Some live music events or comedy nights are free or have just a small entrance fee
Splurge: Go see your favorite singer, band or comedian when they come to town
- Buy new workout equipment
Budget: So many options here from dumbbells to yoga mats!
Splurge: Think bigger or outside the box – buy a weighted hula hoop or a bike!
- Get a tattoo or a piercing if that’s something you’ve wanted to do for a while
Budget: Just a cute little thing
Splurge: Well, if you get just one tattoo why not make it a big one
- Do an activity that doesn’t feel like a workout
Budget: Go hiking or camping
Splurge: Try golf, minigolf, bowling or pool
- Buy a new water bottle
Budget: It doesn’t have to cost a lot
Splurge: Get one of those stainless steel ones
- Buy a new pair of earrings
Budget: I love those cheap but cheerful earrings that you can get for 3-10 €/$/£. Buy one you really like
Splurge: Sky’s the limit. Find a pair you really love and make it your ultimate reward
- Get on another level with your workout program
Budget: Choose an online program where you get instructions and videos online
Splurge: Hire a personal trainer
- Buy a wellness monitor
Budget: Buy a fitness and activity tracker
Splurge: Go a little further
- Order food online
Budget: Order groceries with home delivery online for convenience
Splurge: Order a healthy food service for yourself, for example for a week
- Hire someone to clean your house
Budget: Make your family swear they’ll do it
Splurge: Hire a maid
- Take part in a running event
Budget: 5k event
- Go for a picnic with family or friends
Budget: Make and pack your own sandwiches and drinks
Splurge: Grab some healthy takeaway on your way to the park
- Get some inspiration
Budget: Download an interesting health/diet/fitness app on your phone, even if it costs a bit
Splurge: Subscribe to a fitness or health magazine
- Buy some gadgets
Budget: Buy budget headphones or a waist pack for running
Splurge: Buy a pair of cool wireless headphones
- Plan a great day out with you partner or the whole family
Budget: Visit a local national park – remember to pack a lunch with you
Splurge: Spend a day at an amusement park or a zoo
- Be a little bit romantic
Budget: Have a sunset picnic
Splurge: Go for a romantic dinner
- Go see a sporting event
Budget: Local game of football or other sports
Splurge: Big event at a nearby city
- Update your Spotify
Budget: Update your entire Spotify playlist when you reach a small goal
Splurge: Subscribe to a premium Spotify membership
- Visit museums
Budget: Visit a museum – lots of museums are free
Splurge: Buy a museum card if there’s one in your town or nearby. This way you can enjoy the reward for a while and visit museums as long as your card is valid
- Have a day just for yourself
Budget: Do whatever you enjoy the most in your budget
Splurge: Take a day off from work as well!
- Buy a new swimsuit or bikini
Budget: Something cute for summer
Splurge: If you’re really enjoying your swimming, buy high quality swimwear
- Buy a new lipstick – or other make up or fragrance
Budget: I just bought a bright red Rimmel lipstick I love
Splurge: Go for your favorite brand and pay a bit more if necessary
- Sign up for a beauty subscription box
Budget: The cheapest boxes cost around 10 $ a month
Splurge: Pay a bit more for more products and better quality. I got myself a 7 month subscription to a beauty box for a reward when I got a new job in January! Getting that box is a monthly highlight for me – like having Christmas once a month
- Update your wardrobe a bit
Budget: Buy a new dress
Splurge: Buy a complete look from shoes and dress to accessories – a great reward for reaching your goal weight
- Take a photo
Budget: Take a new profile photo to your social media channels
Splurge: Schedule a professional photo shoot
- Get some art
Budget: Have your own drawing/painting/photo framed and hang it on your wall
Splurge: Buy a painting or other art work
- Enjoy some greenery
Budget: Buy a plant
Splurge: Start a garden or a herb garden as your terrace/balcony project
- Book a holiday for a week
Budget: Spend the holiday week at home – just make it special by arranging lots of nice things to do and places to visit. Or rent a cottage if you can.
Splurge: Go big. Book your dream holiday.
Facing the fear - written 09/27/2019
Oct 09, 2020
Why do I fear a gastric surgery? Why do I fear facing this fear?
I felt quite blind-sided last fall, when Deena told me to go inpatient for my Binge Eating Disorder. I went through each stage of grief – Shock & Denial, Anger, Depression & Detachment, Dialogue and Bargaining, and finally Acceptance. I asked a ton of questions. I checked my trusty facts and figures, because they comfort me. Somehow, I finally began to accept that a month’s vacation from life would be rather nice. So, I went to Nashville. I dropped all of my inhibitions. I bared everything. Pain. Anger. Misery. Confusion. Frustrations. I laid it all out there. For review, discussion, and taking it all apart, bit by bit. I cried. I listened. I focused 100% on recovery. Whether in a session, at a meal, answering phones, or attending meetings. I gave my EDA recovery everything I had to give. I was a success. I dropped 9 pounds in a month. My left leg was no longer stiff. I could walk again, pain free. I walked longer distances. I came. I engaged. I conquered.
Why is this upcoming gastric sleeve surgery any different?
Going into my Lap Band surgery, I was quite euphoric. I had done everything I was supposed to. My checklists were complete. My surgery was swift and painless. I walked very soon after. I went back to work a day and a half later. My blood pressure immediately stabilized. My weight fell off steadily and easily. I was a success. I didn’t have to say goodbye to too many foods. I grieved a little over the loss of bread, but not a lot. I found a support group of similar folks to bounce questions and concerns off of. I had no support of my husband. Yet, I was a success. Until I wasn’t. The band slipped. It failed me. I was a failure.
So, I ask myself again. Why is this upcoming gastric sleeve surgery any different? I don’t know. . .
I don’t feel the euphoria I felt before the Lap Band surgery. Maybe I’ve been there, done that? Maybe because the band failed me, so I am thinking the sleeve surgery could fail me too. I don’t think I could live with that outcome. Is this sense of dread really a fear of failure? Or the possibility of failure? Maybe.
I did fear failing in Nashville. That fear prompted me to give it my all. Work hard. Play hard. Go big or go home. I let my close friends know what I was doing in Nashville. What if I returned home the same? Still broken. Still miserable. Still running away. The fear of failure, even in the face of success, is still a huge burden. And right now, I feel like a failure. Again. I have put back on my weight and then some. I am now the highest weight I have ever been in my life.
If I truly channeled that fear into a strong work ethic in Nashville, can I do the same thing here? I want the answer to be yes. I need the answer to be yes. I want to be on the other side of this. I want to be done. I want to be healthy. And I honestly don’t know how much more time I have to achieve that. My body is wearing down very quickly. I dread standing up because I know my legs will hurt. And they always do. My lower back is giving out on me. I am not enjoying life anymore. Something drastic has to happen soon.
This gastric sleeve surgery is the answer. I need to find financing and get this done as soon as possible. The longer I wait, the more I become fixated on this. This fixation is not healthy for me at all. Let’s make a plan. Let’s set a date. I figure I have about 2 weeks of real food left. Then I have to start my liquid diet for pre-op. I am ready to start focusing on my new lease on life.
Thanks for listening,
Nov 03, 2009
Then, this past Sunday I bought a new ring and it was a WHOLE SIZE smaller than what I have worn since I got married 17 years ago.
God is so awesome!
Hallelujah because He hasn't given up on me.
Thanks for listening,
Oct 16, 2009
I'm still healing from my broken marriage and my divorce. DivorceCare and hanging out with my girlfriends really helps with that. My teenage daughter is starting to realize that I'm not the evil woman I was made out to be. :-) And I'm dating. Nobody serious, but I've gone on some dates. Positive Progress.
My Doctor had his annual pinning ceremony recently. I was hurt and broken because I didn't have anybody to attend with me. I was raw watching all of his successful weight-loss patients getting pinned by their spouses, their kids, or their best friends. And all of them said,"I did it for my spouse / child / friend". Then it was my turn. I had Dr. Avara's office manager pin me because Lisa has been very valuable as a staff member but also as a friend on my weight-loss journey. So when I got the opportunity to say my "thank you's", I said, "I did this for ME!" I got to discuss my divorce, my healing journey with DivorceCare, Bible Study, working out at the gym, etc. And I closed with "I am going through a metamorphosis. I am literally a new creation in Christ." And it was only then, that I realized God wanted me to go to that dinner alone. And alone is not a bad thing. I'm learning that. Positive Progress.
The Realize Lap Band company is hosting a Casting Call for their national commercial campaign. My doctor's office nominated me for this opportunity. I sent them the full body shot that is my avatar on this site. They then called and did a phone interview with me for about 10 minutes. Then they asked me to submite a video interview answering specific questions. I have submitted that video to them and am now waiting to hear on the status of that casting call. Positive Progress.
I've started a new job in the past month and a half. Because I didn't have enough stress going on in my life. Lol. And it has now started to straighten itself out. Getting in the groove of things now. Same job, same benefits, much less stress. Positive Progress.
I WEIGH BELOW 300 LBS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 15 YEARS!!!!! POSITIVE PROGRESS!
Things aren't perfect in my life, but today is better than yesterday. And I my hit an occasional speed bump, but overall I'm making positive progress!
Thanks for listening,
Before & after photos - OMG!
Oct 02, 2009
Click on the link above to see the animated before & after photos.
BEFORE - 370 lbs
AFTER - 298 lbs
This is one year's hard work.
I literally CRIED when I saw the transformation.
One Year Surgiversary!
Aug 14, 2009
I MADE IT!! WOO HOO!! This past Wednesday was my one year Surgiversary. And it has been quite a journey. I am finally healthy. And finally happy. And recently divorced. And I now realize that my unhealthy marriage had a lot to do with me getting as overweight and as sick as I was. It has truly been an exciting journey. And I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.
I will upload my new stats later on today.
Here are some thoughts that I recently shared with a neighbor who is about to have Lap Band surgery. Maybe there's something here that can help you.
I completely understand your excitement, apprehensive, fear, concern, lack of patience, etc. Been there, done that. Lol.
(1) I started to realize that I was doing this for me. Nobody else. And it was only a tool to be used with the other tools (diet, exercise, water, protein, smaller portions, etc). And that I was not a failure because I went this route.
(2) I met with Beverly Smallwood for my Psych Evaluation. She is awesome AND she's had gastric bypass surgery. So she knew exactly all of the emotions I was going through. But her take on it was this - if you lie to your friends now telling them that you are only eating healthy, what are you going to tell them when the weight suddenly starts to fall off quickly? Do you then tell them the truth? How would they feel about you lying to them all that time? So I went ahead and decided to tell my friends and co-workers. They were all very supportive. They cautiously asked questions without judging me. And even asked what I could & couldn't eat for office lunches. And one co-worker even shared some of my story with his dad, who then also had the Lap Band surgery!
I know right now you are ready to jump through every hoop out there, as quickly as possible. But there is a method to the madness. It took you years to get to your current situation. So in order to be successful, it should also be a gradual process to losing the weight. This will allow you to work on your mental and emotional health as well as your physical health. Dr. Avara's office is wonderful! They do a great job of answering any and all questions you have. And their intake seminar is very valuable with the information they offer. I had already done a ton of research prior to going to their seminar, but it was still informative for me. Plus you learn about their staff. And that was pretty cool!
1. This is by far the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. I am healthy! No more medical problems or medications! Not for an entire year now!! I now have my self-esteem and confidence back. And I smile constantly! My friends tell me all the time that my face "glows". I am now dating again. That has been a struggle, but the comment I get the most is that my confidence and personality are the most noticeable things about me. (And that I have sexy eyes). LOL! But that my weight isn't even that noticable because of my self-confidence. THAT RIGHT THERE is worth every penny of this surgery. WOO HOO! My only regret? Why did I not do this sooner???
2. I never noticed my port. From day one, I never felt it or noticed that I had one. In fact, I had to have somebody point out where mine was. I still don't realize I have it. And I've been on flights since then and it did not set off the metal detectors. One of the neatest things (and weirdest) for me, was at a support group meeting, a lady let me feel her port. It's right next to the belly button. And even looking at her thin frame, you couldn't tell that therre was anything inside of her.
3. I can eat and drink anything I want. No specific food item or drink makes me sick. Now, if I eat large bites too quickly food still gets stuck. But a quick gulp of Diet Coke pops that baby right out of there. (NOTE - This is the ONLY time you can ever drink a carbonated beverage again). Also, I am now so restricted that if I eat late at night, I have to stay up an additional 3 hours or I have a severe case of heart burn. But I shouldn't be eating that late at night anyway. The only times I have trouble, it is because I'm doing something that I should not be doing. So in my book, the Lap Band is doing what it is supposed to.
4. Anybody can attend our group's support group at anytime. You don't not have to be a current surgical patient of Dr. Avara's to attend. If you have a friend / family member with questions, bring them. If you just want to ask questions, come on. If you end up having your surgery somewhere else, you are still welcome at our monthly support group meetings. They are free of charge and we meet at Dr. Beverly Smallwood's office. She's the one who did my Psych Evaluation. And as a gastric bypass recipient, she even participates in our meetings, as her schedule allows. The meetings are run by Dr. Avara's staff. After their presentation, we have a question & answer session. We also get updates on what is going on with his office. It's also a great way to network with other people in town who are going through what you are going through. So that you can e-mail / call / chat / text them at any time.
5. I would put Dr. Avara as #1 in the SouthEast portion of the USA. He is a musician, so he has amazing finger dexterity and is a very skilled surgeon. In fact, his best statistic is that after about 1,000 surgeries he has ZERO mortalities. Dr. Avara, his staff, and Singing River Hospital have gone the extra mile to be certified as Bariatric Centers of Excellence. That means they are specifically trained in how to deal with obese people, their emotional baggage, dealing with their problems coming out of anesthesia, and dealing with their excess weight by having bigger beds, larger doorways, and equipment that can handle heavier patients. The entire time I felt like a valued patient, who was constantly treated with dignity. I NEVER felt like an obese freak.
6. I checked in at the hospital at 6:30 in the morning (I think). My surgery was at 9:00. I woke up in recovery around 11:00. I was up walking the unit at 1:00pm and was discharged by 1:30pm. I went home, sat on the couch wathing tv the rest of the day. I sat up on the sofa watching tv all the next day (Wednesday). Thursday morning I returned to work. In fact, I waited 2 weeks before I went back to Curves. But when I did, I only did the recovery boards, walking in place getting the circulation running through my body. After a week, I gradually added some of the machines back to my routine. And then ultimately was able to get back into full swing of things in a little over a month.
7. Nutritionist. Now this is my only concern with this office. And I do need to properly address it with Lisa. During your seminar, you learn abotu nutrition. And you are supposed to meet with the nutritionist at that time. For whatever reason, I did not. Since then, I still haven't met with the nutritionist. Now I get nutritional information at the support group meetings. And we even get free samples of various vitamins and protein-based products at our meetings. And each time I go in for a fill, the doctor reviews my nutritional information. So right now I am keeping a food journal. Ugh. Lol.
www.realizelapband.com has a great tool for this and supposedly Dr. Avara's office can access that and see my progress. So I'm documenting my workout routine (calories burned), my measurements from Curves, and my diet now. I am waiting to see what they say about all of that. I feel like I now have my life back. For the first time in years! I am happy and healthy. And I am now in control of my own destiny. I am going through a metamorphosis, kind of like a butterfly who has just shed her fat caccoon and now truly spread her wings, absorbing the warmth of life while sharing her true beauty with the world.
I'll be happy to answer any questions you have. But honestly, you really need to come to our next support group meeting at the end of this month. And any support system you have should also come with you as well. You can never have too much information in this journey. And your support system will need to be educated on it as well so that they can honestly support you and not be in fear over what you are about to go through. Please don't hesitate to ask anything! That's what I'm here for.
Thanks for listening,
Aug 03, 2009
I had a husband with a low self-esteem who was threatened by my weight loss. So my marriage went from years of emotional abuse to a few years of verbal abuse and quickly escalated to starting to be physical abuse. So I got out. It was a very difficult transition, but the entire time I never gained any weight. Sure there were times of plateaus, but no weight gain. And now I'm back to losing, I'm feeling the best I have ever felt in my entire life.
My health is still very good. I've now lost 68 lbs. And I'm now dating. So it's been very hectic but positively productive!
I know it's too long since I've updated, but obviously I have good reasons. I hope to continue to lose a little bit more by my one month Surgiversary. :-)
20 / 22
41.5 in (14%)
God is so good!
Thanks for listening,
Today is my 6 month Surgiversary!
Feb 12, 2009
I have been on a quite a journey.
I grew up taking care of a mentally challenged mother. So I found a man who needed taking care of and I married him. After years of taking care of him, and ignoring my needs, I realized that I my mind and my body were sick. My marriage had been in trouble for quite a while. And we finally had forgotten to communicate with each other. He had the selfishness, immaturity, financial strain, and I enabled him for all of these years. I had literally started eating my emotions and fell into such a dark and desolate depression that I couldn't even see straight this past couple of years.
He started giving me ultimatums and threatening me so I decided that it was best if I moved out. And I did on December 15th. Since then I've been getting counseling, I'm getting healthy & losing weight, I'm starting to like myself and I've realized that it's ok to do things for me, to take care of me.
Only God knows my heart, and my intentions. And His standards are the only one I am trying to live up to. I go to a weight loss surgery support group monthly, I see my doctor every 6 weeks, I have attended a Beth Moore Bible Study on Esther (wow - what timing!), I am singing in 2 choirs that I LOVE, I have started seeing a counselor to deal with my recent divorce. I have also just finished a 13 week class of Divorce Care at church. So I am doing all that I can to get my mind, body, Spirit, and emotions back onto a healthy track.
I am keeping my trust in God and my focus on me. I've realized that I couldn't love anybody else until I learned to love myself. And I'm ok with that.
So today is my 6 month Surgiversary. Because of all of this, or in spite of it I've lost 51 pounds!!
And that is where I am right now.
Thanks for listening,
Things I learned in 2008
Jan 04, 2009
Put the cats in the bedroom BEFORE painting the inside of the cabinets. It will save you the headache of mopping up kitty footprints throughout the kitchen.
Don’t depend on others for your happiness. I will be disappointed every time. We’re only human, you know?
I must love myself before I can love others. Otherwise I won’t have anything genuine to offer anybody else.
Hard work will produce great results. Alicia showed this with the hard hours she put into Drama and they paid off with their Regional, State, and National Competition wins along with their invitation to perform in Scotland this coming August. I also experienced the wisdom of this statement with my weight loss journey. Having lost 40 pounds in 4 months, is a true miracle!
There is no time like the present. Why put off anything until tomorrow, when you can work on it today? God never promises us a tomorrow.
Weight loss is both a physical and emotional journey that can only be accomplished through a lifestyle change. Fad diets are a crock. They are only around long enough for their companies to make billions of dollars off of gullible fat people. The fat people spend all their money and still don’t lose weight, thinking it can’t POSSIBLY be as a direct result of their refusal to eat less and exercise more, so they try the next up-and-coming fad. It’s an endless cycle that I choose to no longer be a part of.
Things are closer than they appear. When Alicia and I were at a local department store (who’s logo is a red target), I got frustrated looking for sewing needles. So I finally found one of those help telephones and picked up asking for help. A sales associate showed up, and promptly showed me that the needles were in the next aisle over, on the end, less than TWO FEET from where I was standing. Alicia stills gives me grief about this one whenever I can’t find anything in a store.
Friends are the best things in life. When trials and tribulations come, only then can you best gauge your friendships and their strength. And I have found great solace in those friendships this past year and am blessed to have such great friends!
It’s ok to ask for help. Even though I am the one who is always trying to help others, it’s ok to be the one who needs the help. And it’s even ok to ask for it and accept it. That was a hard lesson learned after Hurricane Katrina, finally accepting a generator and some gasoline one week after Katrina. But it was something God used to reveal His mercy and grace to me, through my friends. And this year was full of times when I needed to accept love and support from my friends. And I humbly asked and received.
"Working" vacations are not true vacations. Whether at a comic book convention, standing in long, hot lines for hours obtaining autographs, or traveling 750 miles to escape Hurricane Gustav, and sitting at a laptop typing medical summaries non-stop over Labor Day weekend, neither of these are vacations. And so from this day forth, I will no longer call them as such.
It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok for me to help others, but not to the detriment of myself. I am not going to use this as an opportunity to become selfish, but I am no longer going to neglect my own needs.
Tie up the Christmas tree before the cat climbs up inside of it, toppling it. Saves time, and helps prevent breakage of ornaments. Plus your cat won’t lose one of his nine lives.
Necessity is the mother of creativity. When moving into a much smaller house, with minimal storage, and cabinets that are so high that I can only reach the bottom shelf (This is true), it’s amazing what little gadgets and things one can come up with to make live a little bit more bearable.
I am the only one responsible for my actions, even though others may be affected by those actions.
God remains in control. With this nugget, I should be able to handle anything thrown my way this year.
Application for Permission to date my daughter
Oct 29, 2008
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine