Facing the fear - written 09/27/2019
Oct 09, 2020
Why do I fear a gastric surgery? Why do I fear facing this fear?
I felt quite blind-sided last fall, when Deena told me to go inpatient for my Binge Eating Disorder. I went through each stage of grief – Shock & Denial, Anger, Depression & Detachment, Dialogue and Bargaining, and finally Acceptance. I asked a ton of questions. I checked my trusty facts and figures, because they comfort me. Somehow, I finally began to accept that a month’s vacation from life would be rather nice. So, I went to Nashville. I dropped all of my inhibitions. I bared everything. Pain. Anger. Misery. Confusion. Frustrations. I laid it all out there. For review, discussion, and taking it all apart, bit by bit. I cried. I listened. I focused 100% on recovery. Whether in a session, at a meal, answering phones, or attending meetings. I gave my EDA recovery everything I had to give. I was a success. I dropped 9 pounds in a month. My left leg was no longer stiff. I could walk again, pain free. I walked longer distances. I came. I engaged. I conquered.
Why is this upcoming gastric sleeve surgery any different?
Going into my Lap Band surgery, I was quite euphoric. I had done everything I was supposed to. My checklists were complete. My surgery was swift and painless. I walked very soon after. I went back to work a day and a half later. My blood pressure immediately stabilized. My weight fell off steadily and easily. I was a success. I didn’t have to say goodbye to too many foods. I grieved a little over the loss of bread, but not a lot. I found a support group of similar folks to bounce questions and concerns off of. I had no support of my husband. Yet, I was a success. Until I wasn’t. The band slipped. It failed me. I was a failure.
So, I ask myself again. Why is this upcoming gastric sleeve surgery any different? I don’t know. . .
I don’t feel the euphoria I felt before the Lap Band surgery. Maybe I’ve been there, done that? Maybe because the band failed me, so I am thinking the sleeve surgery could fail me too. I don’t think I could live with that outcome. Is this sense of dread really a fear of failure? Or the possibility of failure? Maybe.
I did fear failing in Nashville. That fear prompted me to give it my all. Work hard. Play hard. Go big or go home. I let my close friends know what I was doing in Nashville. What if I returned home the same? Still broken. Still miserable. Still running away. The fear of failure, even in the face of success, is still a huge burden. And right now, I feel like a failure. Again. I have put back on my weight and then some. I am now the highest weight I have ever been in my life.
If I truly channeled that fear into a strong work ethic in Nashville, can I do the same thing here? I want the answer to be yes. I need the answer to be yes. I want to be on the other side of this. I want to be done. I want to be healthy. And I honestly don’t know how much more time I have to achieve that. My body is wearing down very quickly. I dread standing up because I know my legs will hurt. And they always do. My lower back is giving out on me. I am not enjoying life anymore. Something drastic has to happen soon.
This gastric sleeve surgery is the answer. I need to find financing and get this done as soon as possible. The longer I wait, the more I become fixated on this. This fixation is not healthy for me at all. Let’s make a plan. Let’s set a date. I figure I have about 2 weeks of real food left. Then I have to start my liquid diet for pre-op. I am ready to start focusing on my new lease on life.
Thanks for listening,