Sphinxy
Sphinxy's WLS Journal
8/20/04 –
OK... guess what... I pestered the doctor's office... I had not heard from them in a week... and I have date for my first consultation!!!! OK.. so now we get serious... I had a bunch of emotions overcome you... I felt immediately depressed. Guess what... I had determined some time ago that I would never go on another diet... I would accept myself the way I was... now I feel like I am a failure... and that I have somehow broadcasting that I am unhappy in my body... so distinctly sad.... I know this sound weird... and I am doing my homework and truly believe for the first time that I will go through with this... so why all the remorse now??!!! I know I will be petrified sometime later but all I feel now is sadness...
8/26/04 –
OK so a lot has changed in a week. I finally changed my profile to hoping to have surgery - looks like that is where we are headed. I have a psych appointment next week. I went to the surgeons office, picked up the paperwork packet. I have just about completed it. I have a date for the support group. Things are moving along. I am doing my research. Thanks to all who have contributed to answer my questions... and many thanks to all those profiles that let me peek into another's journey along this path. I have talked to those who have done well and those who have had considerable complications - and to date not a single person has said that they would not do it again!!! I am getting a little scared but have put off school for a while as I sort out all of these things. What an emotional roller coaster. My biggest unsurity right now is to find out whether my doctor will consider doing this if I have lupus and need some of the medications which are very corosive to help combat a potential or very real flare.Meanwhile I am taking all your advice.... eating sensibly, walking, taking vitamins and beefing up on the protein to help me heal better from surgery. I am committed though to getting below 50 BMI by the time I get surgery.... SUPER morbidly obese is just not a label I want to get comfortable with in the least!
8/30/04
Well after work it's off to the psychologist for the psych eval...am I crazy? certainly? but hey does that preclude me from having the surgery?? Sure as hell hope not. I have to admit that dentist said something to me that was quite profound and set of a number of events as a result. He told me that he was shocked that with the amount of damage in my mouth he was really surprised that I did not come in moaning and groaning in pain.... well i finally figured it out... DUH! I am totally out of touch with my body...800mg Ibuprofen in the am, 800 mg Ibuprofen in the pm, plaquenil and prednisone tend to do that to you. As I was answering the surgeons questionnaire I thought... hey I am not bad here... but then after the dentist remark I stopped the pain meds over the weekend....Today I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.... how have I existed this long in so much PAIN!!!! Wow that opened my eyes Someone on the board asked a question that made me think and at the same time allowed me to clarify what has brought me to this place. Here is my response I have not had surgery yet... but here are some of the reasons I am headed that way. I have lost weight on successfully on lots of plans... WW, Diet Center, Grapefruit diet ... you name it... I had even forgotten a few when the sheets I filled out for the surgeon reminded me. The problem is.... a year later I would be back up again and usually 20 - 30lbs heavier than when I started... I determined I would never diet again... If I had never dieted at all I figure I would weigh about 160 now... which was enormous then... but I would risk surgery now to get back there! I have a five year old that I would truly like to finish raising - he has special needs and this is something I feel I must do and that I very much owe him since i brought him to this world! The risk of surgery now for me is LESS than the risk of remaining as I am... what a shocker that was... and believe me, I am a big chicken about these things and always try the natural way first before resorting to artificial means.... Try every herb and alternative method before I try perscriptions... but here I am. I am investing a lot of time and energy right now into getting my Master's degree.... what a waste of time and money if I can't get a job because of the weight I am... and believe me it IS a factor! I would need to reflect the picture of health... and somehow that is not happening. I just realized that I am taking 9 - 11 pills every morning just to get through the day. THis is the first time I have been off daily pain medication in years... I am doing this to honestly answer questions by the surgeon about what hurts... I discovered at the dentist that I had major problems in my mouth and he was shocked that I was not there moaning and groaning in pain... I have been in chronic pain for so long... and medicating myself so heavily that I have honestly no idea how much pain I am in! Pain is good thing in some ways... it makes us pay attention and realize that something is very wrong!! I am only now discovering how very wrong I am!!! Thanks for this question. It really helped me sort out for myself why I had reached this point and whether I truly needed to be here. Good luck with your plans... I wish you every success in the world
9/11/04
Well a very busy week I finally found an organizer book and trying to keep it updated so that I can keep track of all these appointments and what I am supposed to be doing and when. Meanwhile I went to my first support group meeting. Wow. It was amazing the amount of weight lost in that one room. The stories are amazing and seeing the people in person without their "before" pictures made it hard to believe. But on a very sad note. There were two deaths in this group. Two!!!! That was amazing...I am very sobered by this and am thinking about this a lot.
9/18/04
What a week this has been. I went for the psych eval this week. It was like something out of the movies. He had a couch and everything.... took out the ink blots - what is it and why? ....took out he pictures... make up a story... wow! I kept waiting for Sigmond Freud to jump out of the closet... What a trip. Great news though, he is recommending me for surgery! Also had my consultation this week with the surgeon. Good news there as well... he CAN operate despite the lupus and the prednisone I have been on. I hav a slew of lab work and tests to get done next... if I can survive losing all the blood without getting anemic I can go do anything! So now it is up to me to keep the ball rolling. Emotionally, this has been quite a roller coaster ride and the real ups and downs have not even begun. I am considering getting counseling throughout this process. Being the fat kid has always been a part of my identity... who am I if I am not fat??? Well, Dammit... I am ready to find out!
9/22/04
I finally have all my scripts to get labwork done...but I have come down with the most amazing case of tonsilitis!!!! I am home from work and feel like SH**! Usually after 24 hrs I feel better but this one is a dousy... I may need to get my tonsils out??!!! Anyway, the good things are.... I have had my psych eval and the paperwork is at the doctor's office I have all the scrips for my tests I have seen the surgeon for my first consultation appointment I bought Susan Maria's book and one the recipes for the black bean soup you can have after surgery is about the only thing I can stomach right now... fortunately I did have all the stuff on hand
10/7/04
OK OK OK... I will update! I am so surprised quite frankly that anyone noticed!!! Let's see... the latest news. I went for my consultation with the cardiologist. He looked at my EKG and said it was possible I have an old MI... but then again it could be my ample bosoms!!! Oh well, they have been known to make more than one person's heart flutter! Anyway, now it seems I have to go for a stress test, treadmill and echocardiogram... Wow... never thought we would be going through all of this. So that will happen next week. I have completed all of my labs, including a lipid profile that the cardiologist insisted on and they have been sent to the office. Next week I am also scheduled for my gall bladder, spleen and pelvic ultrasound... along with my X-ray. But after that guys, there will be little to do except play the waiting game with the insurance company and the doctors office.... unless of course I have to go see the dietician. My doctor is just now setting up for a more detailed and scheduled regimen for his patients... non-compliance has been a real issue.
Also, my doctor I guess is coming on the Larry Elder's show for a segment about weight loss surgery.... not neccessarily a favorable veiwpoint presented. We discussed what happened at the support group and I got to meet a fellow nurse who is about two years out.... she looks great!!! I couldn't believe it was her in person after seeing her before pictures online!!!! Reality shock!!!! Well, as I weighed in at the cardiologists office it seems I have lost about 11 lbs already... but I credit that with the "tonsilitis choo-choo" diet... what little you can get past those infected tonsils...comes roaring out the other end!!! Ta Ta For Now Folks!!
10/17/04
Wow... what changes can come about in a week. Last week was filled to the brim with pre-op testing. I went in Tuesday to do all my cardiac testing... a cardiolite, treadmill, and echocardiogram. Damn! I thought i was going to die on that treadmill... I was shocked at how fast my heart rate zoomed up there and how high it got... had my echo and all the testing... took a lot longer than I expected. So on Wednesday I followed up with my ultrasounds and x-rays. And just when I breathed a sigh of relief the phone rang... the cardiologists office... please call to review tests... oh oh not good. Called and they said the results of my stress test were abnormal and they needed me to come in for an angio. I was like....uh uh.. i will get back to you... after talking to friends decided to go right to the office... they wanted me to check into the hospital the next day and get an angio...and sign consents at that time in case they needed to do an angioplasty, stent, or surgery! WHA!!! Damn! Turned my world upside down. So Friday I ended up on the table for a cardiac angio... the team at DRMC were WONDERFUL and they treated me well. Turns out - no blockage - I am good to go!!! Hopefully meet with surgeon tomorrow and get my clearance for surgery. And then when I came home, I checked the caller ID and Parview Hosp tried to call... that's where I want to have my surgery... hmmmmmm? Wonder what's up there. My paperwork has been submitted.... waiting for approval. This week should prove to be interesting again!!!! (At least I am all clear in the heart area!)
10/18/04
I am approved!!! at least by the insurance company... I am waiting now for the hospital for approval. Waiting for my dietician consult and my date!!!! Oh Wow! This is becoming so real. I have sent for some books on the pyschological aspects of weight loss... this is oh so much more than a physical journey!!! My walls will come tumbling down... and all those defenses I have spent years buidling and reinforcing will come crumbling to the ground!!! Talked to the cardiologist today... all labs, all tests ... angio included look good... I am cleared for surgery!!! Here we go folds... now the ride really gets bumpy!!!
B
11/04/04
Oh boy, a lot has happened and I haven't even documented it here. Well, it didn't take long at all before I was approved!!!!! and then now I have a date.....November 17th!!!! That is less than 2 weeks away. I have been on the massive shopping trip to get the stuff I think I need... but I just seemed to be filled with a lot of frantic energy and little constructive being achieved. Went to support group this week.... didn't strike me until it was over that I will never attend as a pre-op again!!!! Went to dietician meeting... what a reality shock! I won't have regular real food until week 12! That will be after Valentine's day! All of a sudden this is very, very real and very, very close!!!
11/06/04
I continue to be stunned by the thoughts, feelings, and writings of my angel seem to strike a chord and set my heart strings vibrating. I realized today that I have kept up a frenzy of activity to keep from thinking and feeling. Ironically, because I am stopping my ibuprofen and took my flu shot this week.... I have been in more physical pain on a daily basis than I have been for a long time.... did I say physical??? OK Ok... I realize I have already begun to mourn the anticipated loss of my best friend who has been there when no one else was.... I don't even like steak and found myself craving a hunk of red meat simply because it became apparent I could not have any for a long, long, time! What a strange and mournful journey this has been so far and the big event hasn't even occurred yet -- I know this is much, much, more than a physical thing for me. Angel of mine, you have indeed been sent for me!!! (Jeannie Granata has graciously consented to see me through this journey and impart her wisdom and understanding to a newbie....thanks jeannie....so glad you are here!)
12/1/04
So much to tell ... how can I remember. Well up until the day of surgery I kept myself so frantically busy I can't even remember what I did. Worked up till the end... stayed up the night before washing etc. Tried to do a bowel prep... but my hats are off to you guys who choked down that citrate stuff... YUK! Fortunately, my surgeon did not require it... just liquids the day before. Checked into the hospital in the morning... accompanied by a friend... seemed like they took forever to do anything... was finally ready to walk out... when I got a cell phone call from a friend of a friend who didn't even know I was going in that day to tell me I was making the most wonderful decision of my life... talk about timely???? No, talk about God... do believe that was pure divine intervention... walked back into the hospital and they called my name.... His plans are perfect. Well got all prepped and ready... was the second case for my doc that day... and the person before took 5 hrs in surgery instead of 1 1/2 - 2....Wow! the waiting was excruciating!!! Kept asking the surgical team if they got lunch... did they need a break? We could just as easily do this tomorrow??? They laughed... pushed something in my IV and wheeled me into never-never land!!! Next thing I remember is waking up biting on the ET tube in my lungs and trying to get someone's attention to take the tube out!!! Don't remember a thing after that... How they transferred me? How they put that catheter in? How they put the NG tube in... don't remember a thing! Next thing I know I was in ICU...screaming... couldn't get the pain, nausea under control... Miserable... loud, cussing, was out of control!!! (Had to apologize profusely to my nurse for that day... what a trooper!!!) Miserable first day spent in ICU.... much better the next day!!! Next day, more comfortable, allowed to sit up and get out of bed... what wonders that worked for me... even went for a quick walk... and presto/ chango... out of ICU and to the regular ward. And then the miracle of Toradol!!!!! what a great drug... in combo with the morphine I was FINALLY able to get the pain under control!!!!Lots of walking and moving around then!!!!Life is a lot better... finally could have some ice!!! Yum! (how sick is that?) On a roll now, met a friend from support group who had her surgery two days before mine.... she left me in the hospital, but my kid came to visit.... Got my catheter out...progressed to juices and broth.... I was bucking to get out. Rumble, rumble, rumble... is that me making all that noise??? It hurts again??!!!! (Come to find out they didn't bring me the toradol... once that was given again ... was good to go... started passing gas... dr said I could leave early and go home after 3 days (with an open??!!! not laporscopic). I was outta there!!!! Went home with my girlfriend who was also taking care of my son!!!Pretty miserable... can't get comfortable at night... and my god... don't try to change positions in your sleep... nasty way to wake up... moaning and groaning... pretty damn miserable! In no time Thanksgiving is here... I am tortued by the luscious smells in the house so I pretty much stay in the room.... watching the Food CHannel..... at least Emeril is having fun!!!! I am determined to learn something along this path... If I am only going to be able to eat 1/2 cup ... by god it will be the best tasting 1/2 cup ever!!!!! I cannot afford the luxury of bland or tasteless food!!! I call all of my friends so i can live vicariously through their menus!!! Thank god that is over.... another 5 days of clear liquids.... I am truly tortured!!!! Damn! I would damn near kill for a protein shake I think!!!! Two days later I get swollen lips.. please don't let my lupus flare now??!!! I am doing so well. Finally the first drs appointment comes.... Yea! I can have full liquids now which means I can add milk, protein shakes, thin liquidy mashed potatoes... I am estatic. I am down 8 lbs???? (without eating anything solid for 2 weeks??!!!). I am a little disappointed but we are moving in the right direction!!!! and I am out of the 300's !!!!! Drain is taken out.... half the staples are taken out.... If I feel OK enough to slam on the brakes I can drive!!! Life is good!!!! First day of liquids... had my first protein shake 8 oz 2% milk 1 cup ice 2" banana chunk 1/8 tsp nutmeg 1/2 tsp vanilla extract 2 scoops of Isopure Creamy Vanilla Have I died and gone to heaven? I lap it up... finish it... do well... runs right through me.... 3 hrs later in the bathroom... all gone.... but for the first time since surgery I don't feel hungry anymore!!!!! The next day I venture to Barnes % Noble for Christmas presents and they offer a free sample of coffee... guess what? It is just my size. Most might think it is a thimble full, but I am full, delighted and happy! and it was FREE!!! Oh yeah, life is looking up!!! and miracle of miracles... I spend a lot of money... not a penny on food??!!!! .... and I don't feel hungry all day... right now i am wondering if I should make a shake or call it a night!!! Damn!
1/3/04
Well I am sorry for being so negligent...mostly because I am a little ashamed of how little I have lost. Others have talked of drastic weight losses... and I have lost about 22 - 25 lbs to date since surgery -- with the scale stuck in the same place for a little over 3 wks. When I have posted about this, I have gotten some sympathizers who are in the same boat, but mostly drink, drink, drink, protein, protein, protein, exercise, exercise. Its painful to think that I may be failing at this as well, and that I can only blame it on me doing it wrong. I really thought I had been doing a good job with the protein, water and even the exercise. Compared to pre-op I should have dropped 50 lbs by now! LOL! Today I finally called my PCP. It seems he is concerned that perhaps my thyroid levels are low and that since surgery I may not be absorbing them as well..... oooops.... I should have thought of that and known better. Well, we will see tomorrow ... I get blood drawn and see him on Thursday. Then guess what happened. I finally get my period... been wondering about that one.... and the scale finaly begins to move!!! Boy - some things that are so obvious get stuck in this ol brain! I am no longer a puking virgin. I forget about the no drinking rule.... that caused the first one.... Took one sip too many.... the second time I thought I would try spinach pie... I am thinking eggs (protein), cheese (protein), pignoli (protein) and spinach (vitamins and iron). NO WAY!!! BEWARE!!!! the spinach no matter how well I thought I chewed - wound itself into a little knot that stuck in my stoma. It took filling my stomach five times with water.. making myself puke 5 times before it puked up... I actually could see the little ball there in the toilet... plop!!! YUK!!! Don't think I will ever eat it again!!!! But the good news is .. I avoided a trip to the ER and an endoscope!!! Since that time I have puked on several occasions... Christmas Day was a drag in that regard. At least I am not deathly afraid of puking now. My head and my stomach are definitely not in synch. I can hardly wait until I see my doc on Thursday... he says I may be able to move to eating anything I can tolerate.... I can hardly wait for real meat... protein not in a powder. I did cheat once and have some imitation crab... it was GREAT and went down so smooth... no problems at all. Hoping all else goes that well. I'm still addicted to FOOD TV ... but hey, this is the time of year when everyone is cooking for health... low carb, low fat etc. I am learning a lot... and Iron Chef America starts in a matter of weeks... I have definitely been off work too, too long. Date Weight # Lost # since surg Total# Lost BMI 9/1 consult 0 0 0 50 11/17 op day 15 0 15 49 11/30 1st postop 9 9 24 47 12/9 2nd postop 10 19 34 45 12/16 3rd postop 3 22 37 45 12/29 home 3 25 40 44 1/6 home 2 27 43 44 1/13 home 3 30 46 43 1/20 4 34 50 42 1/27 1 35 51 42 2/3 4 39 55 42 I won't promise that I will update this more frequently, - I hate to break promises - it simply amazes me that someone even reads this... once work and school start again I am sure time will become very, very short ... I am a single mom with a 5yr old with special needs.
2/6/05
Oh boy, oh boy.... I have started back to work and things are incredibly hard right now. I thought I was going to die the first week. Fortunately, I have the most understanding boss in the world and she has allowed me to cut back on my hours. That has helped, but all this fatigue has kicked up my lupus and I am in pain a lot. So I am resorting to any kind of alternatives I can think of. I am getting body work and going to try acupuncture next week. I am fairly religous about moisturizing in the hopes that I won't look like a worn out dishrag as this progresses. The great news is that I have reached the 55lbs mark since my highest weight.... now things get really fun. I actually had to give away a bunch of work uniforms since they were way too big??!!! I had to hike them up to my chest and everything... that was truly wonderful. The bad news is that I have nothing to replace them with!! Oh well, there could be other dilemmas.
3/27/05
I can't believe time has slipped away from me and that so much time has elapsed. I don't know how to fill in the blanks. What can I say? I have had labs drawn again..... iron levels very low, hemoglobin levels very low, potassium levels critically low. That was near the beginning of this month. At least I now have a concrete reason for feeling like I am dragging! The month goes on and I get labs drawn again.... and they are lower. The potassium level is the scariest since I know that too low can result in cardiac arrest. I am really dragging now and a little discouraged. I am on medical leave again from work... I can't keep up.... and I have a one hour commute to tack on to any work day!!! Can't afford to take off again.... and can't afford to drop dead either!!!! go figure! Oh well, I know enough to know to be scared and careful at this time. My primary doc is an angel and really a lifesaver. A very mixed month for me.... I have crossed the 70lb mark..... and am officially just "obese"..... which is definitely better than "super morbidly obese!!!".... DAYYYYM! I am off work again and struggling to keep a roof over my son's head and food in our bellies.... and why did gas have to go up now??!!!! That time of the month is looming near which always seems to add some water weight and some gloomy feelings.... neither of which do I need now. My primary seems to think I may be flaring with my lupus right now as well so I had better be careful. Watching the California Board has been mixed right now as well. Erin O had a brief relapse and I am thankful she has recovered and come home. I must admit that fact that she is a fellow lupie hit a little too close to home for me. Now Terri Lynn is in the ICU, comatose and on a ventilator..... damn.... my little pity party seems inconsequential right now. It is hitting home that I have so much to be grateful for, and that I may not be out of the woods for a while. On the other hand, I have been able to discontinue all blood pressure meds!!!! YEA!!!! The only real med, other than my supplements.... is my thyroid.... which I know I will take for life since I have no thyroid gland anymore. That is truly remarkable. Sometimes I look down at my legs and wonder whose they are.... as if I am not really connected to this new body.... and I look in the mirror and do not see the changes..... even though intellectually I know that you can't lose 70 lbs and not show it somehow.
4/2/05
I will share with you my post on the board for today. Very quiet and "deep" day for me. There have comments made about "negativity" on the California Board lately.... and after my attempt to at least reconcile my part in creating some of that drama I stil have some nagging thoughts and thought I would share......
1. Isn't some negativity a part of life? without the rain I have no real appreciation of the sun..... and to live totally in the sunshine also contributes to an atomosphere that will eventually destroy a healthy environment where I can grow and thrive.
2. I think OH has created a family - virutal or not .... and we have had much tragedy amongst our family recently..... I think its reasonable to expect some rebound and reactions to that - while prayer vigils may be depressing to some - it was an expression of love from those who are helpless to do much else to help as well as a way to acknowledge that this was not just being swept under the carpet quickly as one of those "unfortunate" incidents that remain that anonymous 1% statistic .... this was one of our own and we embraced her as such.
3. If I can't express negativity to my fam.... where can I??
4. If I always paint a rosy picture..... doesn't the person who encounters really negative stuff feel totally betrayed and very, very alone...
5. Wasn't I forgetting some very important underlying needs when negativity was expressed - for example - the person who doesn't like the "what did you eat today" posts obviously has some needs for concrete examples of well-balanced diets designed for post-ops - did that need get met?..... the person who had her profile shared with a business contact felt violated --- newbies and maybe even some not-so-newbies have a need to know how to balance protection of their very personal data and the very real psychological need for honest sharing - did that need get met? At the end of the day did I help?
6. Although the loss of pounds, dress sizes, etc is readily shouted from the rooftops and celebrated (as it should be) ..... there are also many other issues that seem prevalent with this surgery such as loss of relationships and jobs that need to be talked about honestly as well - they might not be as rosy but they are things I and others struggle with and truly need "support" for.
7. My response to a negative comment can set a tone and create a mood around that comment. Did I bring thoughtfulness and sensitivity to where it was needed? At the end of all these rambling thoughts where did I finally arrive?-- at the bottom of every negative comment there is a need that isn't being met.... I realize now that for me that means I have to not react so immediately....slow down..... consider carefully before I speak.... consider the hurt... and who is being alienated....and think creatively about ways in which I or others can help meet that need.... To be silent or give a positive affirmation and ignore the need may be as damaging as reacting too quickly..... Just my rambles with the hope of getting better at being supportive....
B
4/22/05
I can't believe it is almost another month that has passed. A lot seems to have happened though I cannot point to any accomplishments. I am back off work and hopefully on disability. My labs slipped into the toilet - I just couldn't get going -- felt like ka-ka. Well, when my labs came back.... everyone knew why. My hemoglobin and hematocrit (the red blood cells which are primarily responsible for oxygen transport) were pathetically low, my iron level (needed to make more red blood cells) practically non-existent, and my potassium even worse than before. No wonder I felt like crap - I knew it was bad when my doctor asked his nurse if I actually walked my labs in. Another doctor was surprised I was actually able to drag myself in for an appointment. The good thing is I got referred to another specialist who can give me intravenous support to help me through this. I am also battling what I call "old lady periods".... those peri-menopausal hemorrhages....so what little iron I absorb and what little red cells I make I seem to lose them all on the very next period.... so time will tell if this fix will do it. Things are very scary for me emotionally.... not being able to work and trying to keep a roof over my family's head and food on the table has been the new priority in my life - however I realize now that building in some support and sense of community is to be essential if I am to remain well over the long term --- one of my girlfriends pointed out that she has never known me to take a vacation (unless it was one where I took someone's elses place so they wouldn't lose the money). That's kinda scary.... who put me last on my own priority list?! Also getting down into weight territory and numbers that I haven't visited since I was in my twenties.... over 25 yrs ago. Fat does make you somewhat invisible... almost a non-person.... so who am I as I shed these layers? Have I stopped losing? Ironically, as I lose I feel worse physically ..... when I stable for a few days or weeks I start to feel better. Kinda bittersweet victory eh? Must I punish myself for every bit of progress I make??? Do I not deserve to be healthy, thin, and happy without suffering???? Becoming more philosophical as I get lower in weight..... made my first appointment with a shrink.... imagine that! I think I just need some validation.... and perhaps a little steering as I navigate these waters??? I think there are a few things that give me comfort during these tough times. 1) I knew I was in trouble without surgery and was headed to permanent disability or death -- so buyer's remorse doesn't sit long 2) I found others who had a hard time doing this -- so I don't feel so all alone, and I can freely talk about how truly hard this can be at times --- I do truly believe that one day I will achieve homeostasis and things will be great! I am just so filled with questions? Will I ever be able to work like I did before? How much weight will I lose? Will the life after surgery be better than the one before (as I watch my world crumble into pieces)? Peace until next month! B
6/10/05
Where did May go??? Damn.... the missing days of my life. So where am I now....my labs are still up and down but trending up finally.... except for iron which is slipping into the toilet again.... boy! I am incorporating more fruits and veggies in my diet and that seems to have helped my potassium considerably! Sometimes I get so focused on protein that I forget the importance of these natural foods as well... Protein is not the be-all and the end-all! Well, in therapy, I had a couple of break throughs - wow realized I have probably been self-medicating depression for about 35 yrs of my life!!! dayyyyyymmmm!! Also, think that somehow I have to learn to say "no" - clearly, unequivecobly, and for myself. Staying fat has protected me for many years - it is amazing how invisible you can become when you are obese - people don't take you seriously and men just plain ignore you - has that been the master plan all these years???!!!! I am getting down into scary territory for me.... reaching the weights I was when in college... and that has been about 30 yrs ago...so being reborn can be scary as well. Trying to get stablized on meds and supplements enough to go back to work.... Also been on a very spiritual and philosophical journey... its about living in the now, having faith in a higher power that has your best interest at heart and following a path that brings you peace and joy. Not such an easy thing it seems... and harder as we get older. Have been meditating on the Rosary and asking for help.... sometimes a hard thing for me to do. I have been used to thinking that just about anything could be solved with hard work and creativity.... what a humbling experience to realize I couldn't finesse this one... somethings just take time and are out of our control. Just crossed the 90lb mark.... wondering if I am nearing the end of my loss... pre-albumin levels have normalized... oh well, I guess if that is it - I have come a long way. I can fit in an XL t-shirt - its kinda snug... but no way could I have done that 6 months ago. It's coming up on 7 months since surgery and I am looking for the joy and the energy.... so far, that has not come - although I am off all BP meds, lupus looks like it is totally in remission, and cholestorol etc look extremely good. I am on thyroid medication.... and supplements - ahhhhhhhhhh freedom! B
8/3/05
Boy, such a lot has changed. New job!!!! YEA! No commute!!!! Just saved about 10 hrs every week in travel time alone -- not to mention gas.... used to fill up about every third trip...now I can go almost 2 weeks on one tank!!! I am truly amazed! Just crossed the 100lb mark.... Century club here I am!!!! I can now fit in pants that no longer have an "x" as part of the size!!! Imagine that!!!! Have yet to see how labs are doing this month.... but at the end of my time at home, everything normalized..... labs within normal limits... lupus completely in remission!!!! Now we get to see what happens when I incorporate working and a normal activity level in everything! Feel like I am eating everything in sight.... not having to think too much about what I eat.... I do try and avoid processed sugar as much as I can... but other than that... I eat anything that doesn't eat me first!!!! and I keep losing... I love this distal!!!! I can actually buy clothes because I like them... and in the color I want them.... not just because they are the only ones that fit!!! Almost 9 months out.... things are finally starting to fall in place.... I didn't think it would take this long... but here we are.... reality is... my doc says he allows up to a year.... A YEAR!!!! (how did I miss that in the pre-op phase... just goes to show - you hear what you want to hear!) Caution pre-ops... your life can get turned upside down ... and you can't guarantee you will one of those lucky 4 -6 wk people!!! More details later... got too much to do :) Oh ... by the way.... this is my recent WOW moment... took my son to Disneyland.... it got cold at night.... actually able to walk into one of those little shops and buy a Disney sweatshirt.... and it FIT!!! How about that!!!! Changes I notice now ..... rings are getting very loose... actually see cheekbones.... wear a size scrub bottom that does not include an "X".... could fit in all the rides at Disney.... could walk through the turnstyle without going sideways...can shop at Ross and Target! for clothes!... Emotionally.... glad I changed jobs... no preconceived ideas at this one... amazing how threatening losing weight can be to others??!!!! Truly took me by surprise. Not really interested in dating but nice to be called "pretty"... twice in one week!!! Preoccupied with many other things other than food and my weight... YEA!
B
9/18/05
Well things are just click, click, clicking along.... it seems like things are moving so fast now. I barely have time to check in the the boards and definitely don't have time for some of the drama I see happening. It's true this is a support board... but geesh... if you are a newbie... do some research, read the boards for a while before you ask a question that has been asked a million times already that day....and don't complain because no one has answered yours??!! No one owes you a response!!! Just my humble opinion....lots of anger seeming to come to the surface for me lately... maybe this comes with the territory and I have never felt confident enough to speak my mind openly. It just seems that sometimes we have a lot of people who just keep asking the same questions on several different boards hoping to get the answer they had hoped to hear.... keep asking - you'll probably get it sooner or later - but is that really helpful or supportive to you??!!! THIS IS MAJOR LIFE-ALTERING SURGERY FOLKS....not a botox injection or having a tooth filled ... your life WILL change permanently!!! and not all of that will be positive. For god's sake research, read, ask questions, and try and be the best prepared that you can... and that means more than having broth and pudding in the house post surgery. One person wanted to go on rides in an amusement park.. (don't we all) - and claimed that it was not because of major health issues that she wanted to lose weight - there is a reason they call it MORBID obesity - but I shudder to think what her family and friends would be saying had she died on the table.... for an amusement ride??!!!! I see a lot of people jumping on for the ride... but not as many of us see them when they are spending lifetimes regretting...and those that do regret seem to be blaming their surgeons, the dieticians...etc etc... this is YOUR responsiblity... you should not lay down on a table and let someone rearrange your guts just because.... Now that I am finished my tirade... I notice that I am seeing a lot of anger surface as I shed this weight... my tolerance is thin....as my body becomes closer to being so... I refuse to put up with a lot of BS that I did before. I am finally OK with being alone. I am finally OK with where I am career wise (some of which would have never happened without surgery). I still have my struggles and there are days I come home crying from frustration and exhaustion for one reason or another, but I have a second chance. We don't get too many of those in life... thank you God for my second chance! I recently ran into someone at a professional meeting who greeted me with "hello skinny!"... that is a FIRST!!! Been called a lotta things in my life... HA! My progress: I am down about 105 lbs from my highest weight... my levels on my labs are stablizing so I may be finished with weight loss... but we are still not sure. I have gone from a size 28-30 to a 16 -18.... damn... haven't been here since high school....I can eat anything I want to... I need iron infusions periodically (3 so far since surgery)... I have to keep close eyes on my labs since they seem to drop like a stone every so often.... my lupus is flaring, but mainly because of my increased activity and stress level... you can't keep me down these days!!! I am a little nervous about the upcoming holidays....and my eyes are still a lot bigger than my stomach... and end up wasting a lot of food still. I fit in the front seat of my car comfortably.... I cross my legs all the times....I have an abdominal hernia... but hoping this will help me get approved for a TT or TBL later. I hope this journal helps someone beside me... I am not all sugar and spice... and it is not all pretty wonderful pictures here... but I try to keep it real... because for some of us... it's just not that way!
10/2/2005
This is a wonderful thread... and particularly pertinent for me today (a post I made to the over 50 BMI board... sometimes the only place I feel comfortable) I just got back from a professional conference out of town. How did I do??? It was exhausting and exhilirating and liberating!! Did I lose??? Don't know - don't care! Did I eat??? Yes, yes and yes.... anything I wanted... but joy oh joy... i could eat a little of everything and feel satisfied... take home a doggy bag and still not finish it all.... and life is GOOD!!! For the first time in my life...I was not obsessed with food!!! I Did not stress over how many carbs or how much liquid... or how much protein... I ate exactly what I wanted to... and made relatively good choices.... I did not feel like I was on a diet... former work colleagues didn't recognize me.... i had my cake and wine and ate it too!!! LIFE IS GOOD.. and my clothes still fit me when I left... as a matter of fact, some are a little baggy and I may have to retire them soon!!!!! I guess from here on out... any weight loss is gravy... I may not be under 200.... but hell, I can move a lot better than I ever could... and I don't intend to diet again!!! I am down to where I was in early college... and hell that was over 25 yrs ago... and I thought I was cute then... so damn I must be cute now!! : ) Purple is my favorite color and i actually fit COMFORTABLY in a purple size 16 suit this week!!!! Actually today I don't care about goals... especially those set for me by other people or charts - as far as I am concerned - I reached goal today... i was able to maintain - without standing out in a crowd - enjoy good meals - and keep up with the rest of the crowd - I was not stuck in a chair - I didn't worry which chair I sat in - I went to bed early because I chose to do so!!! Life is truly good!!! I'm still obese too... but havin more fun than the whiners I hear that are 10 lbs from goal Have a good one!!!
10/2/2005
This is a wonderful thread... and particularly pertinent for me today (a post I made to the over 50 BMI board... sometimes the only place I feel comfortable) I just got back from a professional conference out of town. How did I do??? It was exhausting and exhilirating and liberating!! Did I lose??? Don't know - don't care! Did I eat??? Yes, yes and yes.... anything I wanted... but joy oh joy... i could eat a little of everything and feel satisfied... take home a doggy bag and still not finish it all.... and life is GOOD!!! For the first time in my life...I was not obsessed with food!!! I Did not stress over how many carbs or how much liquid... or how much protein... I ate exactly what I wanted to... and made relatively good choices.... I did not feel like I was on a diet... former work colleagues didn't recognize me.... i had my cake and wine and ate it too!!! LIFE IS GOOD.. and my clothes still fit me when I left... as a matter of fact, some are a little baggy and I may have to retire them soon!!!!! I guess from here on out... any weight loss is gravy... I may not be under 200.... but hell, I can move a lot better than I ever could... and I don't intend to diet again!!! I am down to where I was in early college... and hell that was over 25 yrs ago... and I thought I was cute then... so damn I must be cute now!! : ) Purple is my favorite color and i actually fit COMFORTABLY in a purple size 16 suit this week!!!! Actually today I don't care about goals... especially those set for me by other people or charts - as far as I am concerned - I reached goal today... i was able to maintain - without standing out in a crowd - enjoy good meals - and keep up with the rest of the crowd - I was not stuck in a chair - I didn't worry which chair I sat in - I went to bed early because I chose to do so!!! Life is truly good!!! I'm still obese too... but havin more fun than the whiners I hear that are 10 lbs from goal Have a good one!!!
I have been lurking and occasionally posting but something has been knawing at me. In the midst of brewing controversy I am trying to remember why I thought this board (the over 50 BMI board), out of the many others, would be helpful to me. What makes us different from those who just tipped the 40 BMI mark??? (or even the 35 mark!!????)? Do we have the same struggles?? Do we have the same losses??? Does the playing field get leveled when we reach goal??? or do we carry additional baggage??? Are we more desperate in our attempts to garner affection? hide from the world? ARe we more vulnerable when we shed our skins?? after having been so well protected and invisible for so long?? What made us so much more obese in the the first place?? and what does it truly take to achieve "normality"?? Do you ever feel scared as you near a certain weight??? Does your weight loss stall at that point until you are emotionally ready to handle it??? A fellow struggler in the fray.... a number of people answered and were very interesting and honest in their responses ... and that I truly appreciate... Here is my response I have been struggling with these questions for myself and truly you have demonstrated in your truly wonderful, honest ways why I come here again and again.... You get me... you really, really get me!!! (the following are only my opinions and are meant to be presented only as such) Yes, I do think we are different... I'm not exactly sure of all the ways that make us so, but I gotta tell you I feel like I am venturing into foreign territory and have to ask myself daily if I am truly being me. Do we have the same struggles??? No... I think ours are more intense and run along different lines... it will almost be a year now, and I still cannot judge accurately just how much I will want to eat, or what it takes to make me feel full. I am doing much better at leaving things on the plate (don't know what made me think I was the garbage disposal for the entire family but hey, I was)... but my eyes are still WAY bigger than my stomach... and it is almost a comfort thing... I feel much better emotionally if my plate is full... even though I know I'll never be able to finish it.... Do we have the same losses??? I was surprised at the unexpected losses.... friends... job..... that nice person I used to be.... I'm much more fiery... but I think I am having a lot more fun! Does the playing field get leveled when we reach goal??? Hell no... at least for me it doesn't seem so... I will always carry the memories and experiences of a SMO person for over 30 years... they have colored and shaped my world.... if only I could have 30 more to see if I can begin to put them into perspective! Are we more desperate in our attempts to garner affection? hide from the world???? ARe we more vulnerable when we shed our skins?? after having been so well protected and invisible for so long?? I'm am so timid to answer these questions... they seem to evoke shame in me... but I think yes... affection any way I could get it probably caused me many more problems than I bargained for. Being fat made me invisible... from molesters, from unwanted advances, from people who were jealous of my talent or my beauty... all of those things sunk beneath walls of fat made me able to blend in more effectively... and become the "nice" "non-threatening" "wonderful" person I used to be. What made us so much more obese in the the first place?? and what does it truly take to achieve "normality"?? I'm not so sure I will ever be normal... not so sure I even want to be... although I have much pain and avoidance in my past, what wisdom, insight and joy has been infused into my future... you don't get to be me without walking that unique path. Do you ever feel scared as you near a certain weight??? Does your weight loss stall at that point until you are emotionally ready to handle it??? Yes, I get petrified when I get near certain points... right now I am getting near that 200 lb mark and am totally stuck! At least now, I recognize a plateau as something else and start asking myself "what am I so afraid of" and as soon as I can answer that question.. guess what happens.. this has been such an emotional journey for me... so many, many, many things coming to the surface as my bones come to the surface of my body!!!! Well thanks for your answers and your insights and walking this journey with me... it is so nice not to feel alone!!!!! I swear I would go mad if I only was surrounded by the 130lb crowd whining about those last 5 lbs. Love you all.... Don't forget why we come here.
12/5/05 –
I guess it is time to update this profile - inquiring minds want to know. I have passed my one year mark (11/17) and have lost almost 120 lbs - 104 since surgery... amazing!!! (and yet by some estimations I am a slow loser!) I had always said that anything under 200 would be gravy for me, and it seems that I am hovering right at that mark now. I am so overwhelmed at this point with life in general that I don't quite know how to make it work - but hoping and praying that soon I will genuinely feel better - right now I am dealing with feeling dragged out all of the time - and facing the prospect of another surgery for an abdominal hernia. I am going to sign off for now and come back to add more because I am exhausted and still have to get the kid in bed. It is definitely easier to move around and I am still amazed at who looks back at me from the mirror.... B
Soooo November babies.... here I am checking in... it has been 14 months now... and the scale has started to move again?! I don't get it but I love it! I am 4 lbs away from going down another BMI point - which when I do will officially put me as overweight!!!! I can hardly wait!!! and I do believe it will happen now!!!! I am joining the fitness program at work - imagine me getting on a scale willingly in front of people I work with!!!! I am astounded at myself even!!! I am trying out for a national award program - will update you as that takes form. I find myself doing, saying, venturing where I never would have before! New doors are opening for me everyday!!!! 1. How much weight have you lost total from your highest weight??? I have lost 127 lbs..... amazing!!! BMI of 30 - can't even fathom it... lost 74% of my excess weight.... I am now considered a weight loss success!!!! Just have to keep it off!!! 2. How did you do during the holidays?? compare to your previous holidays and not some 'ideal' that has never been you. I did much better in my own environment where I could control what I ate much better! Compared to other holidays... it was great.... I actually got to sit around and socialize... I think before I just ate myself into a carb coma and found the nearest bed or couch to pass out on. I was exhausted but happy. 3. That window of opportunity is rapidly closing - What are your new goals for the next four months? I would like to be able to call myself overweight - that is my new goal... 4 lbs away!!! I would like to get more fitness oriented - looking to add a little more physical activity just for me - if I can stand it that is - the pain from lupus and fibromyalgia is kicking my butt these days. But you know, I think that window of opportunity might be open for longer than I think - I am losing more per month now than for the last 8 months... go figure?? and it seems like I am eating all the time! 4. Did you get a lot of compliments from those who hadn't seen you since last year??? What is really interesting is when I run across someone I haven't seen in a while - who knew me before - sometimes they walk right by me - ignore me, don't even recognize me - that is so crazy to me - and I don't think I have changed that much ... but I guess I have! 5. What is the one best piece of advice you could offer to pre-ops considering surgery??? You guys have all given great advice. My two cents: 1. Don't compare yourself with others - some lose a lot out front and slow down to a crawl - some seem to lose little by little consistently - and me personally I am all over the place - I lost 8 lbs during the holiday month -- go figure???!!!!! 2. Keep in touch with your docs - get your follow ups done - if i hadn't, I'm not so sure I would be walking this earth ... and if you don't feel good - follow up. Keep those appts - get those labs 3. Listen to your doc and your own body - my doc told me that I would probably have to eat more often and like a teenage football player at some point to maintain my weight - I thought that was ridiculous at first, but after following his advice and grazing (what he recommended) I have started losing again - not everything works the same way for everybody. 4. Keep feeling -- for some of us the insulation and avoidance of feeling by eating is what got us to this place, and it is distinctly uncomfortable to hurt again - but sometimes you gotta to be able to move beyond... and great things wait beyond! So glad to have shared this journey with you... At 48 I have finally begun to free myself of a prison that kept me from truly entering the world... oh how I wish sometimes I had done this sooner....(my iron must finallly be working eh?) I haven't been this free since I was fourteen years old... and i intend to get freer!!! Hang in there guys.... this was one of my better nights... thought I had better update quick before the picture changed!!! Good Luck
B
March 5, 2006
- checking in... whew! that was a close one folks! Ended up in the hospital with a Hgb of 5.7%!!!!! severely anemic... in the midst of lupus flare so also on prednisone - pain seems like a constant friend - but just begining to get back to normal this weekend - have put myself down to rest - serious chill party!!! but hey its Oscar weekend... so what better time!!! My word of caution to those of you contemplating this surgery with other medical conditions, and even those without - keep up with your labs and listen when your body says stop! Beginning to consider whether I have substituted my addiction to food with an addiction to overwork?? Just so much to do, and so much I want to accomplish in such a limited time - and have never felt so free to achieve!!! It's amazing what happens when the world starts to notice and listen to you and you are no longer invisible!! Right now I just feel lucky to be alive - have taken a break from school and am trying to heal!! Weight loss?? - well and cruising between 125 and 128 lbs... can't wait to cross that 130 mark - then I will be overweight and no longer obese... but if I stop here I am OK too. Best thing yet, I am not really trying...and the scale is drifting down again.. so this is miraculous to me... B
September 3, 2006
Boy, it doesn't seem so long ago that I was about to go meet my surgeon for the first time... Boy how time flies! Things are bittersweet for me now. Have lost approx 140 lbs.. WOW! Still battling chronic anemia... compounded by an old uterus and fibroids that cause heavy periods. Just heard that a cousin of mine passed away this past easter due to complications of lupus. Has frightened me and depressed me today! Thought I would drop by and say hello... for those of you contemplating surgery... yes, it will change your life... in many more ways than you can possibly imagine! Get ready to be challenged! B
December 6, 2006
Long time since I checked in but just wanted to say hello.. and keep up the good work encouraging one another on this website. It's been 2 years now since my surgery and boy how things have changed. And the changes are much more than physical. But here are some wow moments! I needed a new pair of jeans since nothing seemed to fit... no wonder... by time I found a pair that fit... they were size 12 PETITE!!!! I never wore a 12 even when I WAS 12!!!! and PETITE has NEVER been a word to describe me in any way, shape or form!!! I still don't believe it and keep yanking the tag to look at it!! and the best part yet... I was at Ross dress for less so i got them for practically NOTHING! Yeah.. I am likin that! (they say the average American woman wears a size 12 - 14... Average? .. again, another word that never seemed to linked to me any way shape or form... strange to look around the room and not be the largest person there!!! - but in my mind I kinda still am?) Finally packed up boxes of old clothes and gave them away... prized things like my beaded dress, my leather coat, my dress suits... you know the kind of things you always keep in a box during the diet, cause you know that one day you will need them again... and it took long to find em and too much to buy em. I finally think I might never wear them again!!!! I have stepped out professionally and am surprised at all I see coming down the pike!! Do you ever keep waiting for the glass to hit the floor??!!! The miracles just keep rollin along! Oh well, those old mind habits die the hardest and I will keep sluggin away at that - 2yrs out and occasionally still losing! The most wonderful thing I feel now is freedom... I can cook and enjoy cooking for its own's sake! I can eat some and stop when full. I can throw food away and not feel guilty! I really honestly don't worry about what I eat... eat what I want, when I want it... its just that what I want and how much I want sure have changed too! I look at a menu now as options, and not hard choices.. and sometimes I get a little of everything just because that is what I feel like eating.... what a life! Oh well, I ramble... kid is in bed... feeling like perhaps this year has accomplished something that will actually last! Love y'all
B
