stellarsan

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Nothing really great to write - it's been a very tough couple of months for me personally - my husband and I have separated and I've moved out of our home to a temporary place, and it has been really tough for me.  My job is quite stressful and I'm not super satisfied with it, so that has added to my stress.

I am so thankful that at least I have this wonderful tool and at least the satisfaction of having accomplished the goal to lose weight and take control of my health this year - it has been my big "win" and is helping me help myself get through this tough time.  I have the energy to exercize which makes my body produce endorphins that make me feel better.  I dont' exercize formally as much as I should, but I am trying, something I never did before.   I have the energy to play with and chase my beautiful little boy who is the love of my life, so our time together is of a higher quality.  These things are what I look to when I'm having a rough day.

I'm not always perfect wiht my diet, but I pretty much stick to the rules and don't waver too much.  I do have a piece of chocolate every day, about an hour after lunch. It helps me with my reactive hypoglycemia that I've developed since surgery, and it's typically dark chocolate and I always stop at one piece (my trick is that I either only bring one piece w/ me, or I take the little minis that are individually wrapped). I buy them for a friend on occasion and she keeps them at her desk so I'm not tempted to eat them all day long.  This 1 piece allowance keeps the cravings for sweets away, if you can believe it.   Other than that, I'll have an occasional 1/2 snack bag of chips, but for some reason I can stop at 1/2 because I give in to the craving occasionally, it doesn't manifest itself into something MUCH bigger.  I don't always give in to my cravings - and never right away - I'll have a glass of water first, then walk around a little bit, even visit with a friend.  More often than not the craving for whatever goes away. If I'm still wanting that food, then I'll indulge myself, but just a small amount.  For me, it works - for others, I can see how this would be too much of a trigger.  I just dont' believe in complete denial for myself - I had this surgery to live a more normal life, and that means that on occasion I get to enjoy my salty chips.  Dont' think I don't look at the labels and try to make the best choices, even with the snacks, though! 

I have tried to eat my stress like I used to when I was very heavy, and it just doesn't work for me anymore.  I just end up feeling sick and nutritionally vacant. I've only had a "stress eating" day 2 or 3 times in the last year & 2 months, and each time, I learn something. Earlier this week was one of those days, and I was able to recognize it and stop it before it got too out of hand.   It made me feel like i'm evolving, still. I know that being this fresh out of surgery, I'm just now REALLY starting to deal wiht the emotional aspects of this surgery and it's up to me now to maintain the loss that I've experienced. When I do stuff like stress eating, that is counter-productive.  But, hey - I'm HUMAN.

That being said, I dont' get hung up on a "bad" day - I am learning to pick my head up, and instead of saying, "Oh, well - I've screwed up this day - might as well eat like shit for the rest of the day, I'll start back again later/tomorrow/next week", whatever, I make sure that my next meal is a light, but very healthy one and get right back on track.  I did this earlier in the week, and by the time a few hours had passed I felt so much better.  I can't explain to anyone who hasn't been through what we have how, but somehow something has clicked in my brain (finally) to say, "OK, I get it" - I think.  I'm going to do my damndest not to forget. It truly is a new day.

Yesterday was my 1-yr anniversary of my RNY.  I can't believe a year has flown by like this - craziness. So much has happened in this last year that it's hard to take it all in. First, I have lost 135 lbs, something that I never thought I would be able to do and certainly would not have been able to accomplish w/o this RNY tool. It wasn't easy, but it also wasn't too terribly hard as long as I followed the rules and stayed focused. 

This weekend, I hit the goal that I personally set for myself - 150 lbs. Though my BMI is still 25.7 and it says I am still overweight, I am completely out of the obese and especially the morbidly obese category.  I am in better shape than I have been in 20 years, and I am now trying to focus on toning and losing just a little bit more to lower my BMI a bit more, but not too much.   I went on a bike ride this week (first one in probably 2-4 years, not sure) and it amazed me how much easier it was to do not carrying around that extra person.  I was in my support group meeting last month and I was saying that on the Biggest Loser they have the contestants wear a suit that weighs the same as all of the weight they'd lost to show them how much harder it was before - I would like to put on one of those suits just to check it out and see - I can't even imagine. 

I look at old pictures of myself and don't even recognize that old person for the most part - still working on that one, on my own and with a counselor - what they say is true - you can lose the weight, but the emotional issues that got you there still remain - at least for me. 

I'm feeling a huge sense of accomplishment today!  

OK, so I just had a major wow moment - I have 15 lbs to go until I reach my personal pie-in-the-sky goal weight! That's was like the ultimate "if I can really get what I want" wish.  Don't get me wrong - I have worked hard for it and it hasn't all been easy, but it has been SO worth it and I am so proud of myself!  I have lost 119 to date, which seriously BLOWS MY MIND.  I will set another goal to get to what my "ideal" weight should be, but if I get there within a year of my surgery or if I never get there, I've never been so close or proud of myself. 

I'm also adding another goal, which is to never gain it all back. I know that at times it is a struggle, but I have truly changed many (not all) of my ways and I have enough faith in myself that I can continue to live a more active lifestle and put more nutritious things into my body. I'm by no means perfect ( far from it), and I am starting to work through some of the psychological issues that got me to the place where I was before surgery now.  I was workign on it for a while before and immediately after my surgery, but I got very bsy at work and money was tight after having to pay my surgeon and anesthesiologist their fee after Insurance paid their share, so I'm am trying to get back on track as far as that goes.  This is truly the hard part, and I just try to keep a relatively hopeful outlook on all of that too.

Best to everyone, just had to share - 15 lbs away from my goal? Craziness. It hit me like a ton of bricks.  possibly the ton of bricks I've been carrying around for so long.

This is a quicky, but I had to share. I weighed myself today and the scale read 184.5, meaning that I am .5 lbs away from a 100 lb loss! I had to pinch myself - I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would reach this goal so quickly! Yeah! I had been at a plateau for a while and this week just lost about 5 or 6 lbs, after increasing my calories and amount of food I'm eating - I've been trying to do that for a while, but I just couldn't eat more oz than 3-4 per meal. I finally just added another snack/meal, and it clicked.  YAY!

It's been 6 weeks since I had my surgery, and I can't even believe that I've now lost 40 lbs!!!  That's with a 10-day stall at 3 weeks out, too. My mind is blown, and my body just seems to be MELTING right before my eyes. I am having a hard time getting in all of my water and protein, as well as enough food. I just don't have the desire to eat because the chewing food at this point is just not that enjoyable when it has to be applesause consistency - especially meat, but I eat minimal amounts of that. I REALLY like FF Ricotta cheese mixed w a packet of Splenda, scrambled eggs w veggies and a small slice of mexican Velveta melted over it, meatballs, string cheese dipped into hot marinara ( it' s like a Mozz stick w/o the breading and frying), and Sugar Free Pudding with Protein Powder - faves are Lemon and Butterscotch.  Even thought I'm having a hard time meeting my eating and drinking goals, I keep trying every day and usually make progress.  I try not to get discouraged, and remember to take my vitamins regularly. 

I'm walking and swimming, but I don't think it's enough - I work full time and have a 1 1/2 year old, so it is difficult to find time to exercise, but I will be joining a GYM in August for my Birthday present to myself, and will go after we put my son to bed.  I am committed to doing it, it's just about making it work for you and finding out how to make myself a priority EVERY day.  I typically walk 2-3 times a week and swim 2-3 times, but would like to add one more evening of walking and a day of weight training to help start to firm up my sagginess, because with the 40 lb loss, it's starting to show! I know I am going to need a tummy tuck/pannus removal, new boobs, and probably some surgical help wiht the inner thighs - they are a running cruel joke in my family. So, I want to do what I can myself and for the rest, I'm saving up.

I've been having some pain where my new stomach is and I'm hoping that it isn't a hernia. I go to my doc's on Monday to find out, and I am really hoping it's just a strain.  Keeping my fingers crossed...

I had my surgery on Wednesday, started at 11, got to rocovery about 3 hours later, and sat in recovery in a broken bed ( wouldnt' go up or down) until 9:30 PM - that sucked, especially for my husband who was patiently sitting there waiting for me to get put in my room all day. He was worried, bored, and wanted to make sure I was ok. There was a crazy man in the recovery bed next to me, trying to get up out of his bed just after havign surgery to fix his fractured pelvis, and he was SO LOUD. As I went in and out of sleepy-land.

I was pretty medicated the first night post op in the hospital, so I was thinking that it wasn't going to be so bad - boy, was I wrong - I woke up in a lot of pain, sore as hell, and I was barely able to get up. I tried to walk the hallway, and made the smallest loop ever, with a walker. I did it again that evening, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I totally could not stand upright.  My nurses took a long time to respond to any calls, which was frustrating, but I made it through to Friday which was going home day.  

My first night at home was ROUGH. I was sore as hell, nauseous, the drive home ( an hour of bumpy roads - yikes) was hell, but Josh was trying to make it as easy on me as possible.  It pretty much sucked, then the gas came, whcih increased my pain and nausea because I just couldn't burp. IT was definitely the worst point of this whole experience. I spent nearly the entire evening going back and forth to the toilet to try to expell gas, and the up and down hurt. My binder was itchy, and I was generally not happy. The only sleep Josh and I got was outr of sheer exhaustion for about 20 minutes here and there. 

We finally had about a 2 hour break on Saturday, the next day, becasue we were both so tired from the night before.  I awoke to the smell of Josh cooking himself some breakfast in theI wondered to myself, "Is it ever going to get better?"   morning. OMG - the smell of other people's food was for sure not something I had considered pre-surgery.  Thought I was going to die, and started up again with the dry-heaves. I was soo nauseous...and gassy. So, pretty much every time I smelled food and woke from any naps, I was in semi-puke mode. Not fun.  I had several posts and calls from friends and family, offering support and telling me how much they cared and what a great thing I was doing for myself and our family - that's what kept me going, and it meant more to me for them to take a few minutes here and there to email or txt or facebook me than they will EVER know.

My dad came into town later that day  2 weeks early and surprised me by bringing by our son Jack, and it totally lifted my spirits, and I can honestly say that was a true turning point in my recovery. I was still nauseous, but much less so ( only had one dry-heave), and even managed to sleep through most of the night.  All day today, though, the smell of food was killing me. Around 8PM, the nausea has pretty much stopped. I have forced most of the gas out of my body, so that helps too.  Now, I'm gettign better by the minute. Whew!!!

Get this craziness - I weighed myself just for shits & giggles around 8, and I've lost 6.5 pounds!  I know it's most likely water weight, but it could also be that I've gone into Ketosis - I'm hoping that's the case. We'll see!

I am so excited I could just explode - I have a date and I am so fired up!!!  I'm also terrified, because I am closer than I've ever been to this goal to take control of my weight.  It's big, and therefore scary but only in the sense that I am sitting here wondering what to expect down the road....I've read a million people's stoies, and I feel prepared for anything, I'm just so damn curious how it will play with/on/through me.  

Back to the point at hand - my date - May 13. I have about 17 million things to accomplish at work before I leave  for surgery & recovery ( I'm a buyer for a big pro beauty distributor), but my personal life is pretty much ready to go - I hope!

I'm super inspired by all of the fantastic success stories on this website, and knowing that there are people in the same or similar (and also those that are not in the same boat at all) makes me feel better and gives me instant infinite wisdom. Love it!

So at this point, I'm sitting here biding my time, upping my protein, trying to get the shit done at work so I don't have to worry about it when I'm off and recovering - that's my time...