subacloud
Update
Jan 01, 2012
I was gone for a few months and for that I apologize. I went back to graduate school, which is awesome and I love it. One of my classes was the hardest one I'll take. Yay, it's over and I got an A. The class replacing it next semester is going to be one of the easiest. I hope that's true.
A lot has happened to me. My divorce became final. I celebrated my 50th birthday, which was fantastic! I went back to school. I continued to disentangle myself from my ex. The divorce process is over, but there were still property issues. The custody agreement is fine, but I find that he tries to negotiate small issues several times a month. It is wearisome.
Weight wise.... well, that has been less than stellar. I hit a stall, which was not my fault, but have done a lot of emotional eating, which is. I have gained weight, which is unnerving. My counselor has pointed out that I am "over-functioning". This was a habit developed into an art form during my marriage. The ex under fuctioned and I compensated. I was exhausted. After the divorce, this "normal" feeling way to cope got transferred into my life, specifically my education and work. What suffered was my attention to my body's needs and my weight loss. SO, it is time to stop over-functioning and bring balance into my life. My eating plan, my weight, my too busy-ness are all symptoms of my need to slow down and do less.
It is the time of the year to make resolutions. Last year, I think I had about nine pages of goals. I'm going to try to streamline that to one page this year. At the top has to me my health and weight.
Here are some NSV (because that's all I've had for several months ):
I have gone swimming in public.
I can sit in a theatre seat with my hands by my sides and still fit.
I cross my legs all the time.
I recognize that my weight loss is tied to my emotional healing and vice versa.
I can shop anywhere (but petite shops and that one's not going to happen anyway).
I have bras from Victoria's Secret.
I can walk without getting winded or tired.
My joints feel great most of the time.
I've gotten hit on a few times.
I am happy for the first time in decades.
Blessings to all who read my blog posts. I appreciate you! Happy 2012!
I'm Back
Dec 28, 2011
Blessings to everyone who reads my blog. I appreciate you. Happy New Year!
The Skinny
Aug 02, 2011
I've warned my children that should an earthquake occur, albeit unlikely in this region, that they should not stand near me. All my extra skin would beat them to death.
I knew with a beginning BMI of 70 that I was going to have loose skin. I decided to embrace it and just roll with it, having no other choice but to live with it until I can get plastics and that's a ways down the road yet. At first, it was encouraging to lose enough weight to have some loose skin. Then, it became funny to watch it wibble, wobble, and wiggle. I like scaring my children with it. "Be nice to me or I'll show you my knees!" "Look at these arms!" Their screams amuse me.
Now, the skin is taking on a life of its own. We share space. I do what I want, the skin does what it wants. Come winter I'm going to suck it all in with Spanx and Squeezy T's. But, it got up to 113 degrees in my town today and I am not interested in wearing spandex. I can't wait for cooler weather so I can whip this skin into some kind of shape other than the droopy one it now assumes.
My job requires that I occasionally film myself working with one of my clients. I used to hate to see myself on video because of my weight. I'm not at goal, so I was worried I'd still hate seeing myself on video. Nevertheless, I set up the camera and did my work. I made myself watch because I knew it will improve my skills. But, here were my initial assessments. "Oh god, there's my butt." I braced myself. "Hmm, not bad, at least with clothes on." "Oh no, there's my gut. Hey, not great, but not bad, not bad." Then, I began to relax as I watched myself work with my client. Then, "WHOA! Look at that flabby arm skin! Why didn't I wear longer sleeves? I'm so glad I didn't slap that child silly with all that flab."
The world is not perfect and I am imperfect in it. All in all, I like my imperfection on this side of WLS.
Blessings to all my gentle readers.
My Life is a Backwards Country Song
Jul 21, 2011
Q: What happens when you play a country song backwards?
A: You get your wife back. You get your job back. You get your dog back.....
I'm getting my life back and I love it!! It has be T-O-U-G-H these past few months. Transitions, by nature, are always hard. Since I separated from my husband, I've had to adjust to a great many things. There have been a lot of emotional roller coasters to ride.
Financially, it has been scary. A roller coaster would be preferable in that arena. However, I feel like I'm conquering some fears and facing the hard stuff in regards to my finances. My 2010 taxes were not filed and I was having trouble facing them, even though I'm set to get quite a good refund. I self-paid for my surgery, which will help with the refund. But, doing the taxes meant having to ask my soon-to-be ex for information and help, which I had already done and gotten only a half-hearted response. The tax refund would get me out of my current hole, but for some reason I just wasn't able to face it... until a couple of weeks ago. I just decided to break "The Taxes" into smaller tasks and to assign a date to get each task done. A week later, I turned in the information to the accountant. Woo hoo! It may seem like a small thing, but it was a huge victory for me.
Today, I went to two, count 'em, two banks to ask for help restructuring my debt. The news was not so great at the first bank, but the second bank is pretty promising. There is a solution out there and I am working toward it. After I get the debt restructured, I have someone who is going to help me with my monthly budget (which will be workable by then) to help me set goals and achieve the financial status I desire.
What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything. Taking stress out of my life, creating a financial plan, living within my means... all of it helps me to get free of head hunger and emotional eating.
I send blessings to all who read my blog. I am grateful for you. You inspire me to live a better life. I hope you are loving yours as much as I am loving mine right now.
A Year in Pictures
Jul 03, 2011
Highets weight before WLS Before liquid diet Two months post op 3 months
4 months 5 months 6 months
7 months 11 months Surgiversary
200 Pounds Lost
Jul 01, 2011
Last week was absolute hell for me and maybe I'll blog about it later. But, for today, I am celebrating a good life, a changed life, a new life. It's not just the pounds I've lost but the return to the life I've missed for so many years.
Blessings to all of you who are on this journey with me.
Upside Down, Inside out
Jun 17, 2011
I finally broke my stall, Praise Jesus! :-D
I'd like to blame my approach to onederland for my stall. I'd like to blame my body for compensating and readjusting to my weight loss, but I think that might be untrue. Okay, it's more than thinking, I know it was my emotional eating. It was me, not my body, sabotaging weight loss. Last month was a tough adjustment time for me. I ate too many carbs. I gained weight. It wasn't significant, but it happened.
However, back on the wagon again, and I broke my stall... Yay!
I am five pounds away from losing 200 pounds since the beginning of my journey. 100 pounds came off this past year. Amazing, it was exactly 100 pounds from pre-surgery weight to surgerversary. I like symmetry, but I didn't expect that. I had lost almost 100 pound from my highest weight to pre-surgery. The really startling fact remains that I have a ways to go yet. But, I began this journey with a BMI of 70. I'm almost half that now. I am almost half the person I once was. Enough numbers, though.
Who I am today is the person I want to be. Weight and body image are only a part of that equation. I am not the person I hope to become, but my feet are squarely on that path to become fully me, my best self. What a blessing. The cherry on top? That would be the broken stall.
Blessings to everyone who reads my post. I appreciate all of you so much. This past month, the support I've gotten on OH has carried me through some really tough moments. You inspire me to be my best self. :0)
One Year in Pictures
Jun 10, 2011
Before Now
May 2010 (surgery 6-7-10) (6-7-11)
- not my highest weight -
Before 7 weeks 2 months
3 months 4 months 5 months 6 months
8 months 9 months One year
Surgiversary Day
Jun 07, 2011
May God bless all of you who read my blogs. I am so grateful for all of you. Everyone on this site helps me find my way through this journey of weight loss. May you be doubly blessed for encouraging me, supporting me and making my life richer and fuller.
Fat Head
May 28, 2011
I've been doing a lot of emotional eating. I have been pretty emotional.
I knew when I filed for divorce that my life would radically change, people would leave it. I didn't expect to have to divorce my church, which I am for all intents and purposes. I was told that I needed to "rest from worship". I am a musician and am passionate about worship, so resting sounds ridiculous to me. I told my pastor that this was a punitive act, that it quietly, but publicly shames me. I was told that they know best and I should trust them. I don't. So, a support system that I thought would be in place is not. I have taken my flute home and I am worshiping without a congregation. Call me stubborn if you want. I just thought this was an ill-timed insenstive thing for my pastor to do.
I love God. I'm not too thrilled with his people.
I am in a stall. This is no surprise given my eating. I am grateful not to have gained overall. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I have been through a lot the past few weeks and I just don't feel like pretending it's been okay.
Still, I wish you all the best on your journey.. Blessings.