22 weeks out

Dec 28, 2010

Weight: 280
12/28/10

It has been 6 weeks since I've updated my blog.  Despite continuing to lose weight, albeit slowly, I continue to have fears of failure and sometimes I don't want to write on the blog because I feel as if I'm just whining.  Do I really want to write down all this whiny stuff for people to read?

Don't I want to write uplifting positive stuff because I think that is what OTHER people want?  These thoughts show that even as I journal my OWN thoughts there is a strong people-pleaser vibe going on.  So I will try to just be true to my thoughts because this is MY journey and I need to write what I truly feel not what others want to read. I still have regular fears of failure.

I still daily think that I need to appreciate what I have lost and not hope for more.  I still see others who get to single digit sizes and think that won't be me.  I'm still too afraid to hope for success, no matter who believes in me, says I can do it.. I just don't believe it.  I know that I've put my heart, soul, blood sweat and tears into various weight loss efforts in the past.

I worked my ass off, once losing 150 pounds only to gain it all back.  Trying everything under the sun.  Once even fasting and NOT A SINGLE BITE FOR TWO ENTIRE MONTHS.. NOTHING BUT WATER!  Why should this attempt be anything different.. why should I wish for success when I'll just be disappointed as I have so many times in the past no matter how hard I tried?

So that's the negative stuff.. but for sure there is TONS of positive stuff for me to write about, that's real!  First off I am now in a size 22.. these are fitted pants that someone from my Dr.'s support group gave me that she outgrew.

I know people that weigh a lot less than me that are in size 22's, which I feel really shows how muscular I am and how much of my weight is muscle.  I've worked really hard on my weight lifting and fitness so I can't help but feel proud of my muscles. My body fat percentage is 48% with a lean body mass of 150, which means that even if I was zero body fat percent (which wouldn't happen) I'd STILL weigh 150.

I'm doing a lot of strength training so I don't want to lose any of my muscle.  Calculating what would take me to a "normal" body fat percentage if I ONLY lost fat and not any muscle, shows I'd weigh about 208 pounds at a normal body fat percentage.

I really want to get under 200, but is that possible or desireable while still keeping all my muscle mass?  I'd have to really get under a normal body fat percentage range and stretch myself or lose muscle mass (which may well happen anyway).  Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it... no sense looking that far into the future and not enjoying the here and now.

At my highest weight I couldn't stand or walk for long.  My mobility was so limited, there was so much I didn't do.  I wouldn't go to a movie that I'd fear would have a line.. I wouldn't be able to wait in the line.  I would send my husband grocery shopping for me, I'd hide at home as much as I could.

Just physically I was so limited... well not any more!  I'm actually JOGGING at 280 pounds!  A few days ago I took my son ice skating.. I hadn't been ice skating in a decade.  I made four laps around the rink, not including several attempts to get my son to ice skate.

He really kept trying to skate, but I'd have to have one hand holding the wall to steady myself, and one hand constantly lifting him up because he kept falling.    Then my son's two friends, twin girls, who were with us ice skating, wanted me to take them around the rink, so I did two of those laps with them, one 6 year old twin on each hand, constantly having to hold my own balance and help them when they lost theirs.

Wow.. the ice skating was physically intense!  This whole ice skating thing was after an hour with my personal trainer in the morning, where I regularly invite her to kick my ass!  I actually do 2-3 reps more than what ever she asks just to show her how serious I am and get points with her.

For me it is these physical triumphs, more than any number on the scale, that I treasure and make me feel I've accomplished something and I've come so far.  Coming from such limited mobility, these physical triumphs are astounding for me.. they give me incredible joy and make me want to work that much harder.

If only I could set my final goal in a physical triumph over a weight on the scale or even a body fat percentage, I think I would be much more motivated.  You know like I could say that I'd be at goal when I could jog for a full hour or something like that.

Unfortunately nobody else seems to see that as a final goal but that is something that would inspire me much more.  In the mean time despite my fears of failure I continue to experience joy with regards to my increased mobility and continue to love my sleeve every day for this opportunity.

I continue trying to work hard every day to improve my behaviors to increase my chances for success.  I continue to want to eat too frequently, and eat higher fat foods.  Thanks to advice from Elina, I have managed to reduce my calories some, so that even when I eat more frequently my calories aren't so high.

Elina also gave me some great tips such as drinking hot tea between meals to keep from eating too often.  These tips have really improved things for me.  The biggest remaining struggle for me that I have made little prorgress with is night time eating.  I tend to want to eat to "medicate" myself to sleep.  Eating before bed makes me sleepy, and I sometimes have trouble winding down by myself.

I can do well all day but after 9pm is when the grazing monster rears its ugly head. I've tried a bunch of things but nothing has worked yet.. I continue to keep trying. Even though I still am losing weight, I wonder if that grazing monster will ruin my chances for success later on down the road.  I believe it's because of my struggles with behaviors like these that I continue to fear failure.

I think that I have to fix all of my behaviors in order to be successful, and I fail regularly at this behavior of night time over eating.  I manage to avoid carbs, plan my meals, make healthy choices, etc. but after 9pm it seems like all the good work for the day is erased by my need to eat before bed.

I've made so much progress in other areas.. it frustrates me that I can't seem to get this one under control, and it makes me feel like a failure. I'll keep working on it and hoping for the best.

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