Week 36

Apr 06, 2011

Weight: 245
4/6/11

DISCLAIMER:  I'm in a funk so if you are looking for inspiration or motivation, you'll want to stop reading now.  I am writing this as a way to vent in the hopes of finding catharsis in getting my feelings out in a journal form.

It is unfortunate that I can't speak completely freely on my blog, as some of this might make more sense and would be even more cathartic, but I'll share what I can.  Some folks who know me IRL may read this and know what I am talking about.  First I'd like to talk about Ms. E.  I consider one of the most beautiful things in life spiritual connections; when you connect with someone and they truly get you.

I am a complex person and it is rare for me that I find someone who really "gets" me.  Sometimes I share things with people that are private.. I sit back and wait for that lightbulb to go on.. for them to sense all of the things I didn't say.. for them to understand what I didn't say, but rarely does it happen.

When I met Ms. E. I found myself sharing some of my deepest innermost feelings.  Not only did she understand, but she understood so deeply that she saw all the implications of the things I shared with her.  I could tell her one thing and she understood by extension all of the things that went with that.  She understood all of the things I didn't say and even things I hadn't even considered before.  For me it was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had.

For example one of the things I have learned about myself in the past few years is that the experiences of my childhood have indelibly written on the slate of my life.. they are ever present and define who I am.  When I was very young I was rejected by other children.

In my heart of hearts I love people.. I love to listen to them and talk to them and watch them.. I am a very social creature.  But people didn't love me because I was not a cute kid.. I was an ugly pudgy child.  I always had a love for myself and high self esteem, but it was hard to maintain at times because my external reality did not match my internal beliefs. 

It hurt tremendously to realize that people couldn't see my inner beauty because they were so focused on exteriors.  They couldn't see the beauty of my spirit and it hurt and it shaped who I am.  To this day I can't judge people for their looks because I know how it feels to be judged that way.. it is incredibly painful.

I also couldn't date people because of their looks.. I felt obligated to get to know just about any man that approached me because I learned early on that attraction was not always just something I could see.

I didn't want to reject a man the way some men might have rejected me for my looks, so I kept an open mind and an open heart. I'm so glad that I did learn this lesson, because I have dated some wonderful men in my life.  To be honest some of them I was not initially attracted to just by looking at them.

But I learned that attraction that is just felt with your eyes is the most shallow of attractions.. it can not match the attraction of spirits. It can not match the attraction that one feels when they close their eyes and FEEL someone's passion and their spirit.  I found that often times while I might not be attracted by sight, I would definitely be attracted in other ways and eventually that became more important to me.

There are so many more senses to use that it's a wonder why we are so reliant on our eyes... touch, taste, smell, sound, the mind.. for me that is where attraction lies.  There is nothing more attractive to me then someone with the desire and knowledge to please, and that has nothing to do with looks. But alas, it seems rare that people really truly live or feel that way, at least in my experience.

I also have many challenges going on in my life.  I often don't write on my blog because if I am honest I think that nobody could possibly be interested in my life.  It's mostly boring hard work and struggles, and I have fears that if I share what my life is really like, people won't like me because they'll think I'm just whiny and boring.

People like the fun, funny, positive people.. and well that's just not me at this point in my life.   As optimistic, passionate and hard working as I usually am, even I have times where the struggles of life seem overwhelming and draining and it seems impossible to keep my spirit up. I am the one always helping others, and have a hard time asking for help myself.

I am working hard towards my goals and it fills all of my time.. it's so hard to do every day and isolating.  I get up in the morning and go to the gym.  Then I go to work, and spend my lunch break running errands.  I go back to work and then I come home and spend time with my son and take care of him.

Then when he goes to bed I work on homework until I am ready to fall asleep.  If I'm lucky on the weekends I get a chance to go out with friends or do something fun, but not all the time.  I usually have to kill two birds with one stone when I go out with friends, like combine friend-time with exercise time or time spent with my son or something similar.

Every day is a struggle to motivate myself.. it is hard to go so long without pleasure or passion or excitement.. those are truly the things that to me make life worth living.  Those are the things that people want to hear about.. those moments where you are truly enjoying life and not just working all the time.. but those moments are rare and few and far between for me.

What Ms. E understood about all of this, is how incredibly hard it is to live such a monastic life.  She understood by extension that amidst all of my work, I've also eschewed much of the pleasures of food as well, in order to achieve long term goals.  Rather than see me as a bad person or obsessed, she sees the passion, discipline and determination that I truly feel are the driving forces behind my behaviors, not obsession. I feel that she truly sees ME and understands me on such a deep level.

So while I didn't write this blog for her, if Ms. E should happen to read this.. thank you... I'm sure you understand, as you have everything else about me, how much it has meant for me to be understood by you. I am incredibly thankful for you.

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