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I've scheduled my first appointment with the nutritionist.  This is coming out of my pocket as mentioned and she charges $60/hour! The first visit is a 2-hour extravaganzaa, so I'm assuming she's going to send me home with a bag of groceries for $120.  I hope I'm not disappointed.  She says she has big plans for me.  She doesn't plan to give me a piece of paper and tell me to drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables...and she had better not!  Maybe I'm tripping, but I'm a single woman paying student loans, I don't have an extra $120 - $240 per month to give to someone who doesn't understand my love affair with food. 

On a brighter note, I've decided to join a gym where they offer water aerobics and belly dancing.  This will be good for me because the only water aerobics I'm used to doing  is playing with the bubbles in my bath.  Watch out Janet and Beyonce', your abs are going to look like a bucket of chitlin's compared to mine after my surgery and tummy tuck!

I'm feeling really good today!  I didn't cheat on my diet and I've started a regular exercise program and I'm SO motivated!    I found this terrific website to help me track my food, nutrition, exercise, etc. and it's free!  It's www.fitday.com   OK, I can't take all the credit, I learned about it in the nutrition forum.  OH is so very helpful.  I can find anything and everything I need to know about WLS, exercise, nutrition...it has all the tools I need to finally get healthy.  I've finally come to terms that I didn't do this overnight, so it's going to take a lot of work to reverse all the damage I've done to myself.  I can't think about it, I just have to do it.  I'm excited to get my new tool (WLS) and get this show on the road.

I've also scheduled my appt. with the sleep medicine doctor.  If you're pre-op just know this...don't call the sleep study lab trying to schedule an appt. they will shut you down.  All the way down.  I felt like such a fool!  You have to see a sleep medicine dr. first.  I thought Barix was supposed to walk me through all of this.

Does anyone know how HARD it is to eat 1200 calories per day for someone who loves to get her "scrump" on?  

I know I talked all that trash the other day about being motivated, but I'm waking up with headaches, my stomach grumbles all of the time, and I am mean as a rattlesnake!  I found myself flipping this woman the bird and talking to her like she had a tail when she wouldn't let me merge into her lane in Friday afternoon rush hour traffic! 

It's Friday night and I want to get my slur on....but can I? HELL NAW! Why?  Because I'm already 200 calories over my daily allotment and I'm still on antibiotics from that dentist (Dr. Butterfingers, Certified Wisdom Tooth Fyuck Up)!  That concludes my evening rant, thanx for listening.

I weighed myself at the gym today and I've lost 7 pounds in one week!  I'm feeling good about that.  I can't wait until I"m post-op and I can lose that much in a couple days.

I can't believe this crap!  Just when I start liking working out, I twist my ankle while moving a coffee table so I could do crunches at home while watching tv!  It hurts so bad.  It's not swelling, but it still hurts.  I still did my crunches and a few leg lifts through the pain, but OMG, I barely made it to work today!  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive! 

Now I'm trying to figure out what kind of workout I can do tonight.  If I don't workout I'll revert to my old ways of binging and binging some more.  Working out gives me the guilt and shame I need to keep me in line.  What is a girl to do?  

What really makes me sad is the fact that everything I love to eat is swimming in calories.  I'm really trying to stick to this 1200 calorie thing, but it's getting harder everyday.  I just want to get this tool and get it over with.  I hate salads and I don't stay full long enough to say eating them are worth while.  My appetite is way out of control, especially since I'm counting calories. 

I can say I am working out regularly.  My weight-loss is at a plateau right now.  I've finally received all of my medical records and have faxed them to the Barix insurance people.  When will all of this madness be over?

Lately I’ve been saying that being a BIG GIRL is “character-building” and some folks have asked me why.  Of course I don’t really have the time to go into all of the details, but I’ve been kind enough to take time out of my busy day just to list a few.  Being a BIG GIRL has to be one of the most character-building experiences in the universe.  To be a BIG GIRL, you face continuous condemnation from the media; you and people of your ilk are always the punch-line. Aren’t they tired of “fat girl” jokes yet?  Not yet?  OK, how’s about now?  No?  Not yet, I guess.

• From the word “go” we are taught that BIG GIRLs are inferior in every way including but not limited to beauty, intelligence, stamina, and self-discipline. 

• We must read, listen to, and watch advertisements for products that promise to ensure you will never/no longer be a part of the social caste of “BIG GIRLdom”.  I even read a study in Marie Claire magazine where the majority of American women would rather take a 20% cut in pay than gain 20 pounds! 

• BIG GIRLs are ostracized not only by those on the outside, but also by those from their own camps.  I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve been called a “fat B” by those who I thought loved me, whether it be a lover when things were falling apart, a close friend when we had a disagreement, or a sibling when the rivalry got too heated.  How many nicknames have I had over the years?  They were never names like “Baby Girl” or “Tay Tay”, they were names like “Chubby” , “Chunky Trunks”, “Big Drawers” (never to my face), or “Big Tay”.  Yeah, now that feels sexy. 

• As a BIG GIRL, I’m always reminded “that’s why you’re so big” on holidays when the rest of the BIG GIRLs in my family notice how I’m slamming on holiday food just like they are….but it’s OK for them because they’ve had children, or they’re over 50 years old.  How kind of them to watch my calorie intake for me during that festive time of year…I’ve obviously forgotten myself over and again. 

• Typical women don’t consider BIG GIRLs competition, for anything.

• As a BIG GIRL, I’ve noticed that me and other BIG GIRLs seem to always be left to date the scrubs….you know who I’m talking about..pick 3 or more of the following:  no job and not looking, lives at home with Mommy, has more kids than I have cousins, he’s EVERY BODY’s baby daddy, no car because his license is suspended or he doesn’t have enough get up and go to save and buy one, tries to move in with you because he’s sick of Mommy being all up in his business, not only is dating you, but he’s dating at least 3 other girls on your side of town and not to mention all the ones he met online while you were at work, no skills, no savings, no clothes, no style, if he has a decent garment to wear you better believe you or some other woman bought it for him.  He’s a stereotype, and when he’s confronted about being with a BIG GIRL, he promptly reminds everyone he is just using you for (money, sex, a place to stay, your ride, fill in the blank).  If we’re not dating them, then we’re dating the one’s who treat us like we should be overjoyed that he would even bother with us.  He definitely doesn’t want to be seen in public with a BIG GIRL, and you always have to entertain at home…your home….because his real girlfriend/wife/lover may bump into you in the streets. 

• Even though the men we date can be under-achievers, we had better have our stuff together or it’s lonely nights at home while everyone else is living their lives.  

Needless to say, that is where the character building comes in.  A BIG GIRL has to have something extra.  She’s already got a pretty face (blah), but she has to have personality, charm, and charisma (they’re not all the same).  She’s got to dress especially nice, and that’s a demanding feat because finding something age-appropriate  AND figure-flattering is sometimes a grueling task for even a shopaholic like me. She’s got to have tough skin and be extra cool because you’ll have more friends who just happen to be boys than boyfriends.  You have to really display your inner beauty because everyone says you don’t have outer beauty.  You have to be a little docile because you have to be careful not to become that overbearing stereotype.  

You have to know who you are inside as a BIG GIRL because you WILL be heckled in public by complete strangers and people in your inner circle…completely unsolicited heckling and health advice.  Get ready because everyone knows the latest diet, or who lost “all that weight” and "how you should try it too”.  You have to be diplomatic because you can’t just say “who asked you” or “mind your business”.  Question: do we give unsolicited health advice such as “you need to work it out then maybe you wouldn’t look like you have cancer” or “maybe if you weren’t always screwing you wouldn’t have full blown AIDS”?  Why is it OK to do this to BIG GIRLs?  I’m getting off subject.   Point being is this, as a BIG GIRL you gotta be bold, you gotta be bad, you gotta be stronger, you gotta be cool, gotta be tough, gotta be wiser…is that how that old Desiree song goes? 

Well I’m tired of overcompensating; I’ve paid my fair share of penance for this character building experience.  Maybe after my surgery I can be the Bitch on Wheels I always wanted to be. 

OK, that last entry was pretty vicious.  This diet is grueling.  It has made me the meanest I have ever been in my life!  I'm not going to erase it, or take it back b/c that is how I was feeling at the moment.  Just wait until I have the surgery and I really start to go crazy.

Yesterday I had a visit with the sleep medicine dr.  He was really cool (Dr. Paresh Timbadia).  I didn't feel as if I disgusted him with all of my "girth".  Of course he's going to diagnose me with sleep apnea, right after my sleep study.  Have you ever known anyone to go to a sleep study and not be diagnosed with sleep apnea?  I haven't and can't say I care...whatever it takes to get this show on the road.  That was my final exam.  So all I have to do is finish the sleep study and the 6 month diet. 

October 24, 2006

I went to see my family this weekend.  It had been a while since I last saw them.  They oooo'ed and ahhhh'ed about the weight I've lost, they even suggested I just stick to this diet and maybe I won't have to have the surgery.  Yeah right.  Then I went to my pcp for my monthly weigh in yesterday and I've lost another 6 pounds!  HA!  She suggested I stick with the dieting and don't have surgery either.  I feel great about the weight loss and all because I've had candy for dinner 2 or 3 times per week last month and the other nights I had pizza and all the things I use to indulge myself.  I just didn't eat as much because I can't.  It's funny because I haven't had surgery, but I think "how long is it going to take me to burn this off at the gym?"  and I feel full.  It's not because I'm motivated, but the less time I have to spend on the eliptical, the better!