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Seems that I love roller coasters on life. One of my favorite things in the world to do is ride them. So when I went to Six Flags last fall, it was very disappointing to me to not be able to ride them. My weight had been ballooning up for a while. The look of disapppointment in  my son's eye should have been enough for me to stop my path of destruction right then and there, however, I used the sadness of it to eat more. I find myself now face with the need for a revision. 2 years and 8 months out and i have gained back every single pound.

I'm writing here today, not as a plea for sympathy. In fact, I don't care if anybody reads this or not. Instead, I'm writing here today for me. I need to find my success again. I need to stop being alive and start living again. Today is just 1 day. Tomorrow I see the cardiologist for my stress test. Once I have his clearance and the the pulmonary dr's, I should be set for surgery. I'll probably be ready to go by October. Until then, I want to make an all out effort to keep track of myself. This site helped me in the past. Then i walked away. Today is a home coming. Kinda like the roller coaster coming back to the start. Hopefully I can make this ride more fun.

It's been a long time since my surgery. At first everything seemed so easy and smooth that I thought for sure I was gonna be a steady 225 for the rest of my life. After a couple stalls in the spring of 2010, I was on to smooth sailing and by sept 2010, I was down 70lbs and was under 300 for the first time in year. However, I had knee surgery and I've been on a downward spiral ever since. I've gained back 40 lbs and I don't know what to do anymore. If there is anybody that can help me, please I'm begging. I feel like I am going do die and I am slowly killing myself and I can't seem to stop.

Well here I am, 21 months later. I wish I could tell you I'm down 110 lbs and I look and feel better then ever, but I can't. Surgery was a huge waste of time. I haven't lost any weight. My eating is out of control. I've completely given up on support groups, on diet, on exercise. I wish I had listened to people that told me RNY was the way to go. I thought I had all the answers, now I just have negative thoughts. I feel lke the biggest failure ever.

I really could use some advice. I haven't lost anything in over a month. I can't seem to get back on track as far as a diet goes and I'm eating everything, and surprisingly, it all goes down. I'm starting to fall into a depression about this since I was doing so well before. This is a serious setback in my eyes! Any advice?

2 weeks and 2 days and it seems like an eternity. Everywhere I go now, seems like someone comments on how good I look anymore. This is part of my downfall. For some reason the positive feedback allows me to think that I have reached some goal. I have found myself sabotageing myself lately and justifying it. It doesn't help that I work around food all day, which allows me to graze. I find myself putting a little bite here and a little bite there. I haven't even been cleared to eat soft foods yet, but I have puked up chicken several times in 2 weeks. I understand, we all make mistakes in this process, but 2 weeks out! I thought I was becoming an expert on how to do this right, but I'm learning everyday is a struggle. Please, if any of you have had similar problems, let me know and tell me what you did to get past this. I almost feel like I hate having my band in even though its saving my life.

We all live in excess. Its a part of life. For us battling obesity, excess is our life. We fight this addiction, and don't let anybody tell you any different, this IS an addiction, day by day, hour by hour, sometimes second by second. This band will NOT change that. All this is, is a restrictive tool. It can't change our minds. It can't process our thoughts and produce better decisions. We need to learn this all on our own.

The excess comes in many forms. For some of us, eating was our excess. We would eat until it hurt, take a 15 minute breather, and then go back for more. For others, just being BIG was our excess. We wanted to be seen, to stand out. Its part of the fabric of who we are as people. Some of us will lose this weight, look great, and find new excess in living. Others will never be completely satisfied. They'll continue to exercise long after they should've stopped, or will look in the mirror daily, trying to find what change about themselves next. Others will just miss the fat, unhappy person they once were and will sabotage themselves.

Tonight, I screwed up. Ever since last Wednsdays surgery, I have felt, not hungry, but like I can get something down if need be. I guess I had assumed that it would hurt just to drink water, and when I realized it doesn't, I felt there was more I could do. I have pushed my self everyday lately. Against Dr's orders, I returned to work, in a restaurant of all places, on saturday. The feeling inside me all day said "you can fit just one slice of pizza in if you really want to!" I avoided the temptation all day. Then late in the night, just 3 days after surgery, I picked up a garlic knot and chewed it into a million little pieces. I told myself, this is it, no more, you got away with one there! No pain, no puking, I'm ok. The next day, it was a pinch of cheese, maybe a slice of ham later. I've been picking! I haven't even realized it, but I've been picking! And worst off, I've been hiding it from my family cause I don't want to disappoint them. Its like I have a mistress that I'm sneaking off with in the middle of the nght and getting back home at the crack of dawn.  A little here, a little there. 300 calories just isn't cutting it I've been telling myself.

I got home tonight at about 9:30. My wife was in the shower. My son was asleep. I could have my mistress all to myself, in the comfort of my kitchen! The joy that over took me! I opened the fridge and there she was, dressed up as a cornish hen! I quickly took a few small nibbles at her suculant breast, it was shear heaven! But I really had my eyes on the her, juicy, plump, thighs! I picked a piece off, then another, but I couldn't help it, I wanted the whole thing. I grabbed it, not thinking about when someone would notice it was gone, heck, I'd just blame it on someone else! I'M LYING ABOUT FOOD NOW!!!!!   I closed up the tupperware and moved away with my thigh and started to dig in. 2 bites in, I hear the shower stop!  What am I gonna do! I can't stop eating this! I don't have time to chew, chew, chew! So I do what I know best, I scarfed it down. 3 bites and the whole thing was gone. I had to hurry up and act normal. I didn't want to tip my wife off, so if I could just sit on the couch and watch tv I'd be ok, just so long as she doesn't kiss me and taste beautiful Rosemary on my breath! I made a Bee Line for the living room, but 3 steps in, I could finally feel my limit. My esophogus felt like a rush hour traffic jam on the Major Deegan Expressway 30 minutes before a Yankees-Red Sox game. I ran around my living room, knowing I only had 5-6 minutes to get this down. Without the band, a few sips of water would've probably done the trick, but this was new territory. I tried the move your body like a snake trick the Nathan's hot dog contest guys always do, nothing. My moms patented " look at the birdie" move, nothing! I was STUCK!!!!!! She came in and tried to make small talk, but I had one thing on my mind, getting it out. It wasn't your normal, painful, out the nose kind of violent vomitting, but it was more humiliating. I was embarrassed to have to explain why I was vomitting.  Nobody is perfect.

Sitting here writing this, I still feel ashamed. However, I decided to keep this blog, not only as a reminder for me, but as a way to help you, the readers, to understand what to expect. Today was a setback that started with that first garlic knot. I know there are gonna be other mishaps along the way. I am ashamed that I screwed up, but it happens. I feel bad that, I put my health at risk for a measley few bites of food. I put my surgeon's hard work at risk for a few freaking bites of food. This is my excess! Much like that guy who's sneaking off in the middle of the night, I was lying, to my wife, to my son, to all of you, Dr. Kwon, even to myself, and I am sorry.
 
There are a few guys in the support group I go to, that are basically the know it alls. I think you can find people like that at any support group, weather its AA, or NA or a baritric support group. I know I shouldn't care, and I know, while they act like they have never had these moments even though we can all bet our lives that they all have, I can hear them in my head preaching to me how wrong I am and how I'm a rookie at this. And they right, but we all make mistakes. Its what we learn from them that matters. I really hope this helps some of you guys. Don't ever think you have this all down, it is a journey thats for sure!

Well, first, let me tell you, this isn't for everyone. Without a doubt, the hardest part of this procedure so far was the first 5 days. Nothing to eat or drink except water, tea, crystal light or diet snapple. And even that, I really couldn't have too much of it. What a pain in the ass. I have always been one to push myself. I decided on friday I would go to the gym, but first I wanted to walk around the mall to see how much I could handle. I walked for about an hour and felt like I was gonna die. Screw the gym! Yesterday was the first day  I really felt like myself again. Getting the stitches out helped. Getting a protein shake in helped even more! Thank god for some nutrition! I started back at the gym today! Not quite my usual workout, but it was a start. I'm down another 7.5 lbs and I'm really starting to take notice of what I look like. I can see a difference down about 40 overall!

I haven't been on in a few days, so let me play catch up. Wednsday was surgery day. I was expecting to not be able to sleep that night, and other then a few winks, I really didn't get much. I needed to be at the hospital at 6:45. Rather then take the highway, which is the longer way, I took the back roads through now whereville, and ofcourse, in the dead of the night, I had to come upon an accident, so my direct route had to take a detour. I was so worried I was gonna get lost on these back country roads in the dark, but it only threw me off about 15 minutes and I got to the hospital around 6:47. I did all my presurgical paperwork and my final weigh in, which I was really holding my breath on, since this would be my last chance to hit the elusive 336 mark.  When it read 335, I was so excited! I knew this would be a great day. I kinda lucked out in that I was gonna be Dr. Kwon's first patient of the day. He showed up around 7:30 and I was in the OR not long after. The whole experience was so surreal. I remember getting on the operating table, Dr. Yu telling me he was gonna give me something to help me relax and then looking at the clock and seeing 8:45, then 8:55, then 9:00. At first, I didn't even realize the procedure was done. I expected to be in pain, but it wasn't there. They brought me to my room a short time later wher emy wife had been waiting for me. It was there, that I began to finally notice the soreness, but I was still in and out of conciousness. Not long after, I was sucking on ice chips and starting to walk through the halls. At about 2:45 Dr Kwon came in to check on me and we were out of there by 3:45.

The first night was a piece of cake. I had zero hunger at all. I sat and watched food shows all night long, lol. Yesterday, was the killer. I wanted to get out and move my legs, but I just had no energy. I got out for a little, even though I wasn't supposed to drive. I just needed to be out. I came home and plopped right back in front of the tv. This has been the hardest part for me so far. I wanna move, but I have no energy right now. The diet of just water, crystal light, diet snapple or tea just isn't cutting it. I know I need to follow it, but man have I been tempted to just have a little soup! There's alot about this whole process that is way harder then we can ever imagine. Hopefully, being able to shower for the first time today will help energize me.

I just got the call.  I have to be at the hospital at 6:45 am tomorrow! Hopefully it won't be a thing where I get there and surgery isn't until 1pm! Driving back from the gym, I could really feel this sense of good coming over me. For the first time in weeks, I feel really happy and at peace with this decision. I went to a support group at my Dr's office and for the first time, I didn't say a peep. I just listened. I listened to peoples success stories, their fears, I just listened. We are all not alone in this journey. We are all like one giant team. I worked out right after the support group and I had renewed enthuasium in what I am doing. Maybe its just endorphins. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I know, for the first time in a long time, I'm healthy, I'm getting stronger, lighter, and overall happier. For weeks, I thought, am I doing the right thing, did I pick the right procedrure, am I gonna leave my wife over this. I can't worry about that now. I have no interest in worrying about it! I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. But today, I am at peace with this. I'm sure I'm gonna be nervous tomorrow, who wouldn't be.

So the plan is, going to work in a little bit til 9pm., coming home and making a second trip to the gym. Then I'll unwind by watching the Biggest Loser on DVR. No mention of food in there. The reason? I don't let it control my life anymore! I'm getting my life back. Could I lose all the weight without surgery? Probably. Could I keep it all off? Never!

Thank you everybody for your support the last few months. I wouldn't be where I am without it! I can only hope for you guys who are still waiting that I can be supportive of you. And for everyone getting surgery tomorrow, look at this as its our new birthday! We will be alive again! I wish you all good luck and  will say a prayer for you all!

I just got back from pre op. I had to be there at 8 so I figured I'd get up a little earlier and got to the gym for an hour. I am so not a morning person. My workout like I just had zero energy, but I pushed through 25 minutes on the elliptical and another 30 minutes of circuit training. I feel better for having done that. The mistake was getting on the scale today. On thursday I weighed in at the gym at 339. I wanted to get down to 336 to assure myself of 30lbs before surgery. I got on the scale at the gym this morning, 341! WTF! I was pissed! Anyway the official weigh in at the Dr was 339, but these last 3lbs dont wanna go away!! I was kinda hoping to sneak in one last Spaghetti and meatballs dinner before surgery, lol. Oh well, I've come this far, I guess I should just keep on pluging away!