The screw up/ What not to do!!!!!!

Jan 19, 2010

We all live in excess. Its a part of life. For us battling obesity, excess is our life. We fight this addiction, and don't let anybody tell you any different, this IS an addiction, day by day, hour by hour, sometimes second by second. This band will NOT change that. All this is, is a restrictive tool. It can't change our minds. It can't process our thoughts and produce better decisions. We need to learn this all on our own.

The excess comes in many forms. For some of us, eating was our excess. We would eat until it hurt, take a 15 minute breather, and then go back for more. For others, just being BIG was our excess. We wanted to be seen, to stand out. Its part of the fabric of who we are as people. Some of us will lose this weight, look great, and find new excess in living. Others will never be completely satisfied. They'll continue to exercise long after they should've stopped, or will look in the mirror daily, trying to find what change about themselves next. Others will just miss the fat, unhappy person they once were and will sabotage themselves.

Tonight, I screwed up. Ever since last Wednsdays surgery, I have felt, not hungry, but like I can get something down if need be. I guess I had assumed that it would hurt just to drink water, and when I realized it doesn't, I felt there was more I could do. I have pushed my self everyday lately. Against Dr's orders, I returned to work, in a restaurant of all places, on saturday. The feeling inside me all day said "you can fit just one slice of pizza in if you really want to!" I avoided the temptation all day. Then late in the night, just 3 days after surgery, I picked up a garlic knot and chewed it into a million little pieces. I told myself, this is it, no more, you got away with one there! No pain, no puking, I'm ok. The next day, it was a pinch of cheese, maybe a slice of ham later. I've been picking! I haven't even realized it, but I've been picking! And worst off, I've been hiding it from my family cause I don't want to disappoint them. Its like I have a mistress that I'm sneaking off with in the middle of the nght and getting back home at the crack of dawn.  A little here, a little there. 300 calories just isn't cutting it I've been telling myself.

I got home tonight at about 9:30. My wife was in the shower. My son was asleep. I could have my mistress all to myself, in the comfort of my kitchen! The joy that over took me! I opened the fridge and there she was, dressed up as a cornish hen! I quickly took a few small nibbles at her suculant breast, it was shear heaven! But I really had my eyes on the her, juicy, plump, thighs! I picked a piece off, then another, but I couldn't help it, I wanted the whole thing. I grabbed it, not thinking about when someone would notice it was gone, heck, I'd just blame it on someone else! I'M LYING ABOUT FOOD NOW!!!!!   I closed up the tupperware and moved away with my thigh and started to dig in. 2 bites in, I hear the shower stop!  What am I gonna do! I can't stop eating this! I don't have time to chew, chew, chew! So I do what I know best, I scarfed it down. 3 bites and the whole thing was gone. I had to hurry up and act normal. I didn't want to tip my wife off, so if I could just sit on the couch and watch tv I'd be ok, just so long as she doesn't kiss me and taste beautiful Rosemary on my breath! I made a Bee Line for the living room, but 3 steps in, I could finally feel my limit. My esophogus felt like a rush hour traffic jam on the Major Deegan Expressway 30 minutes before a Yankees-Red Sox game. I ran around my living room, knowing I only had 5-6 minutes to get this down. Without the band, a few sips of water would've probably done the trick, but this was new territory. I tried the move your body like a snake trick the Nathan's hot dog contest guys always do, nothing. My moms patented " look at the birdie" move, nothing! I was STUCK!!!!!! She came in and tried to make small talk, but I had one thing on my mind, getting it out. It wasn't your normal, painful, out the nose kind of violent vomitting, but it was more humiliating. I was embarrassed to have to explain why I was vomitting.  Nobody is perfect.

Sitting here writing this, I still feel ashamed. However, I decided to keep this blog, not only as a reminder for me, but as a way to help you, the readers, to understand what to expect. Today was a setback that started with that first garlic knot. I know there are gonna be other mishaps along the way. I am ashamed that I screwed up, but it happens. I feel bad that, I put my health at risk for a measley few bites of food. I put my surgeon's hard work at risk for a few freaking bites of food. This is my excess! Much like that guy who's sneaking off in the middle of the night, I was lying, to my wife, to my son, to all of you, Dr. Kwon, even to myself, and I am sorry.
 
There are a few guys in the support group I go to, that are basically the know it alls. I think you can find people like that at any support group, weather its AA, or NA or a baritric support group. I know I shouldn't care, and I know, while they act like they have never had these moments even though we can all bet our lives that they all have, I can hear them in my head preaching to me how wrong I am and how I'm a rookie at this. And they right, but we all make mistakes. Its what we learn from them that matters. I really hope this helps some of you guys. Don't ever think you have this all down, it is a journey thats for sure!

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