WLS, revelations, not always pretty or complimentary.

Sep 25, 2010

I pass my reflection, in a mirror, a pane of glass, a window to the world...
i catch a glimpse of my cleansed hands as i dry them in the bathroom,
i see the collar bones protrude slightly as i examine my portrait in the mirror...
this cannot be me.

i slide the bracelets on my wrist, easily, as i try them on at the store,
the necklaces hang perfectly along my neckline.
i tug a pair of jeans, too small (according to my eyes) to ever fit my body...
 they fit. they zip, and button without effort.

i grab a belt to lace thru these jean loops,
here we go again, i think...
another belt for "fashion"... this never works...
yet, the belt fits... there’s even a lil extra room... who knew there were more hole in this thing?

i bend down and lace my shoes,
no need to rush. my breath is effortless and unlabored...


i walk thru the aisles of the theatre,
thinking,
these poor patrons,
they must suffer horrendously as i squeeze past them to get to my seat,
panicked visions of spilled drinks and dropped popcorn as i waltz by...
yet, i make it to my seat.
so spills, no embellished apologies needed...
i sit in this seat, relax...
and enjoy my movie.

i join friends for dinner..
an ordinarily excruciating social event,
as i...blaze.. am always the one to get dessert, to get seconds, or finish first.
i decide my meal, i pace myself, i socialize and i sip my drinks.
no one wants dessert as the waitress asks, neither do i.
and when they ask if anyone needs a box... i do. Please.

i drive home, i get to feel the arms of my fiancé wrapped completely around my body,
his embrace of my whole body, making me feel...whole.
our hands intertwined,
without having to maneuver to the unimaginable mechanics of whose arms will fit which way,
just so our fingers may interlace.

i change into my PJ's,
the self-consciousness of my flesh envelopes me...
this is not the taught and tone skin of a 24 year old woman...
these are the stretch marks, and elasticity of a 34 year old woman,
who has had a few kids too many.

it does not matter.
my feet do not hurt,
my knees bend with ease.
my respirations are smooth, relaxed and completely natural.
i get the joy of running with our kids tomorrow,
perhaps chasing my toddling niece for a few hours.
of loving my fiancé,
making my parents proud of all...
and most of all...
walking the trash out tomorrow,
including that damned take out box!
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social networking....

Sep 21, 2010

so, on my facebook page, i have friends (from highschool even) emailing me about how great i look (i have before and after pics on there too)....and asking me how i did it... and this is the latest email...and i couldnt help but go ALL OUT in my response to her!! :)    read..and enjoy!!

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FROM: FRIEND September 22 at 9:17am Report Hey girl! I just wanted to tell you that you look amazing!! You're gonna wilt away to nothing soon! lol Now my question is....what the hell have you been doing?! I wanna play! lol I mean, just the gym and changed eating habits or something? Sent via Facebook Mobile  

 RESPONSE:Blaze Panicola September 22 at 9:28am thanks!! i actualy CHEATED! i had gastric bypass surgery on feb.23.09. i weighed 293 before i had the surgery, and was gaining ALL the time, no matter what i did! :(.... so, as soon as my insurance kicked in, i got the ball rolling with dr. jawad, and had my surgery a month later. at first, i was always ashamed to tell ppl that i had the surgery, becuase i know some ppl see it as the easy way out.. i even knocked the surgery in the beginning... but, my thought was.. i was 23 at the time, steadily gaining 20 lbs a year since highschool, my feet and knees hurt, i didnt have a normal life... everything from clothing, to work to travel was SO difficult for me (i had gotten to the point, for about 3 years that i wore nothing but SKIRTS cuz trying on pants was just too stressfuly, a skirt only has to fit ur waste ya know)....SO... ive lost a lil over 110lb.. im 180 right now... i have NOT met my goal weight yet... and i need to get back into the gym more often. its a constant battle... but i could not have done it without the surgery.
i go to planet fitness, $20 a month for unlimited tanning and gym, with unlimited passes to bring a guest with me... i love this gym! i recommend it!!
btw, a HUGE thing about eating, just a tip that i have to use becuase of my surgery, yet is a HUGE help out in the real world withOUT having the surgery... ALWAYS watch ur portion size... use smaller plates and silverare (it really works lol), in restaraunts-get a togo box, and box up some of ur food as SOON as u get it, so u wont b tempted...and always try to eat ur meats first.... ur belly gets physically full, and mentaly u r satisfied most....then go on to the sides or salads.... and desserts! ;)
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kinda grim right now...

Jul 06, 2010

things seems kinda grim right now for me... but, one thing that i am using to keep me grounded is my goal of healthy eating and weightloss.... my fave thing right now, that i just discovered... GRANOLA!!! i make fresh frozen fruit smoothies all the time, and i just bought some DELISH granola and mixed that it, its a great snack...even a meal!! also.... activia light (as i am having some digestive problems lately) but i  add granola to that also.... its so good!! YUM!!

doing good for my health and body ALMOST makes everything else ok. :)
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June 2010...

Jun 09, 2010

So... this is june of 2010... im almost done with my surgical technology program (july 7th is my grad date).... i had my gastric bypass roux-en-y  17 months ago... i have lost apx 105lbs... and i know i could b doing SO much better!!!  

being in the OR at MRMC, i have had the please of working with dr.hoddinott, a vascular surgeon who does the bypasses in ocala (along with the other surgeons of course) hes an amazing surgeon, a great personality.... yet, just being a PART of the actual bariatric surgery process reminds me EVERYday of the gift that Dr. Jawad has given me (yea... even tho i paid for it, and still am lol)....

i keep saying, that when i get out of school, i will work out more.. i will eat better... well, that is my promise to myself, my health, my beauty, my fiance, my step kids, my mother and family... yet, as i listed first, most of all... to myself. my goal if a HEALTHY weight.... not a specific weight or BMI or pant size.... i feel close to my goal.... yet, im not there yet...

i was given a tool... and im using right now, and everyday, yet not to its full potential...its hard, as all of us know.. and especially hard since i do not particularly have a great support system with this life change.. ..

i can do it... i know i can!!!

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sooo

May 26, 2010

may 27ish.... got engaged in february.... like 5 more pounds since last month (been stagnant for a while, so im VERY thankful) down to a BMI of apx 30 right now, i can do better!!! 105lb gone, could be so much better.... yet, other matters of life have grown of more importance for right now... my health and happiness as always come first... so, school ends in july...and im back on regime for my fanstic weight loss progression! wish me luck... and look at my new pics!! may '10!!! comments, PRETTY PLEASE
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so disapointed in myself...

Jan 09, 2010

im at work right now, and cant talk much... but i would really LOVE some input here.... so, its been almost 11 months since my roux en y...and i have lost 100lbs.... some days a lil more, some days a lil less...but i pretty much hover around the 190 range these days...which, DONT GET ME WRONG, is AMAZING! and i am incrdibly greatful that i no longer weigh 295.... but it seems as tho i have ALREADY hit a plateu!! im so disapointed in ME! i have just been SO incredibly busy with school and work lately... i have NOT been to the gym at all, in months, and have picked back up some horrible eating habits...advice!words of encrouagment, or light a fire under me...  i need somthing... i feel like a failure and a disgrace to this wonderful chance i have been given :.(

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less than 9 months..100 lbs GONE!!!!

Nov 12, 2009

HELLO!!! so, long story short... its been a lil less than 9 months since my surgery....and i have officialy lost ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!

im so incredibly excited!!!
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my oh my....

Aug 13, 2009

so... it is now 6 months past my surgery..... i ihave lost apx 80 pounds.... ive been bouncing around with my weight.... but thats mostly cuz i weigh myself daily, i cant help it lol.....as of this morning (when i weight the least is morning lol) i am at a total weight loss of 84 lbs..... the number is overwhelming.... yet the results are so much better!

i know looks arent everrything... but as most of your may know... when you LOOK great, you FEEL great..and my feelings and emotions concerning myself have been in such tatters for years... the boost i get from daily compliments and congrats are well needed... one great thing, i can wear PANTS now..... pants? you ask...lol.... i never wore pants before....strictly skirts and scrub pants only for work... i never liked wearing, let alone trying on pants....cuz if they fit my legs well, then they were extremely tight on my waist, and made my wasteline look terrible, i felt like the michelin man lol   , and if they fit my waste, then they were SO incredibly baggy on my legs...so... wearing pants.... i never looked well kempt....always obese, and just looked haggard.

WELLLLL.... i have officially bought 2 pairs of pants!!! lol..... my mother kept asking me to buy pants, saying that skirts simply made me look wide all over... so i gave up, and gave in..... to a positive outcome!!! the pants i bought are size 16.....yes..... fucking SIXTEEEEENNNNNN!!!! i have not worn a size 16, since i was 16! honestly! its so crazy for other people to fathom, but wearing pants is like a totaly new experience for me! lol.... i love it, i feel fantastic.

NOW... on to the BAD side of things.... i am losing hair like CRAZY!!! from what everyone says, i should realy UP my protein intake, that this is the main cause of loss of hair right now...and i dont doubt it... i think on a good day, i maybe get 30g of protein, cuz i havnt been doing the drinks or n e thing....so.... losing hair, eew..... i dont think its noticeable to n e one tho... ive always had realy thick hair....so, im the only one who notices it now, especially when i am spending 24 hr a day picking stray strands of  hair off of my self and clothing lol.

number 2.. on my bad list..... i get so lightheaded/faint/dizzy sometimes! there can be a million different causes..... what i have narrowed it down to..... not enough water, not enough electrolytes, low potein intake, and/or blood pressure changes due to any of these items or more.

so.... im going to force some more water into my system, and see if that helps. its not too bad to where i think i will actually faint, but bad enough that i need to lean on a wall for a moment or two to gain my footing, and i know thats not normal. lol

well... thats all in my WLS world.... i start my surgical technology program next week,... the awesome part... i might actually get  to scrub in on some gastric bypass cases with my surgeon!! THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!!!!!

i hope everyone is doing fantastic...and i hope everyone feels great!!!! LOVE YA!!
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Back home from my Rome and Greece trip....too much food~

Jun 18, 2009

HELLO! or CIAO! lol.... so, i am back from my 10 day trip to  Greece and Rome....it was a fabulous trip, and i have posted some pictures of it (mostly of me, lol)...but, what i realy want to talk about right now is my WEIGHT! (imagine that! lol)

i ate a LOT of food....not so much eating all of the portions, but trying everything (which is one of the joys of a great FOOD capitol like italy, right?)....well, no. i did not pay much attention to the foods i ate....too much junk and carbs, not enough fruit and health! so, i knew when i got home, it would be some serious "rehabilitation time" for me.... i stepped on the scale, and saw 232 (When ileft, wasa 27) NO problem.... i can fix this, easily. with just ME being at home i can reallign my thinking to my diet an excercise... i weighed myself this morning, and i am 223, WOW!! well,  DID just wake up, which is when i weight the least....

so, i put on my gym clothes, and am ready to work out this morning! I CAN DO THIS! ..... hey, this will probably be the only time i can say "WOW, i had quite a few gelato in Italy!" lol
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100 days post op...uh oh!?!

Jun 03, 2009

so, im a bit over 100 days post op....and i weighed myself today at work (surpirsingly, i havnt weighed myself at home as much....but i know i havnt been controlling myself too well with food for the past week)....sooooo...,the scale says 235! WHAT? how did i GAIN that much? well, i could make excuses like "well, i just ate dinner" or..."i havnt pooped yet" lol......but, SCREW THE EXCUSES!!! i am about 4 months post op, i am just in the very inches of a very long LIFE LONG journey, and i cannot start with excuses.

my bf took back his old job...which means i am COMPLETELY ALONE for an entire month at a time...and i think this is a blessing in a VERY SAD disguise...because with no one around but ME... I am the person to rely on, and i can COMPLETELY CONTROL and maintain my eating and gym habits.

NO EXCUSES! i am going to the gym when i get out of work.... i am eating GOOOOOODD food, not junk food....and i am EATING ALONE so i can concentrate on WHAT and HOW MUCH i am eating!

UGH!! i wish i didnt skip the last 2 support group meeting! :(
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About Me
Location
29.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
02/23/2009
Surgery Date
Jan 21, 2009
Member Since

Friends 38

Latest Blog 29

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