sylkieasset
Nearly twenty years I have spent trying to control my weight. I have tried everything, bought thousands of dollars worth of exercise equipment, have been a member of a gym for over ten years, counted fat grams, calories, carbs and protein. Used diet pills, trainers,Weight Watchers and everything under the sun.
Every time I lost a significant amount of weight, it came back plus some more. In the past ten years, I have lost a total of over 300 pounds, at my highest being 375, my lowest 175. The weight always comes back, I know exactly what to eat, it's the amount I cannot control. I am an active person, although less and less so as the weight comes on as it becomes harder to move. I power walk to work, lift weights and used to take dance classes before I got too heavy. This is probably the reason why I'm not 500 lbs. Yet.
Every time the weight comes back and I reach over 215 lbs, I get full-blown POS. My back and neck hurt so that I cannot work for weeks at a time, I am unable to bend down and put on my shoes without great difficulty. I could go on.... When I go under 200 lbs, all these symptoms disappear. When I gain the weight they come back worse.
At a smaller size, I feel like I am on top of the world. I am outgoing, love to dance, feel sexy. My personal relationships are great and I am able to make friends with ease. As I put the weight on I am not as eager to go out and see people as I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like that person is not me. The real me is trapped inside all of that extra fat, suffocating, screaming to get out. And I eat more and more to shut her up. I also start treating myself very poorly, like the looser I feel like I become, because , once again, I lost the battle with food.
This last time I put a 100 lbs on I was already married to my now husband. I think I hit rock bottom when he told me he cannot be married to me anymore, because of how I was treating myself. He did not mind the weight gain, but he was no longer able to sit by and watch me abuse myself and be helpless. It was the hardest thing I ever had to hear. My husband, the man I knew to be the one I was to grow old with was driven away by my pain. I knew he was right, I was miserable all the time, I never wanted to go anywhere. Sometimes I would break down and cry, calling myself fat, ugly, disgusting, telling him that he would be better without me. Now, looking back, I am glad to have found out the truth about how he felt instead of living like that for a few more years and getting to the point of no return. As hard as it was to admit how impossible of a person I had become, it gave me a huge wake-up call. I had to do something once and for all. I had to attack this beast from all sides. Not only am I getting surgery, I am going to be figuring out why there is this war inside me with food. My hubby and I are also working it out. In the past it was always just about the weight. I felt like if I loose weight, everything will be fine. It never was and the weight came back. I had it kind of backwards I guess.
