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Well I had my sleep study. To say that this was the funniest thing I have encountered in a while does not even begin to tip the iceberg. I guess the lab tech just did not believe me when I said that I will not be going to sleep that it's not going to happen. She looked at me in that condescending manner like, "yeah okay we'll see about this". Well I get all settled in, lights out at 11p.m. She comes in and she is like, "so are you a little sleepy" . I looked at her and I'm like no not in the least. She is looking at me like yeah okay once these lights go out she'll be out like a light. Needless to say I did not sleep one ounce, not one wink, not ONE!!! By the time 6 a.m came around I was like just let me get home so I can shower and get this gook out of my hair and see if I can get a few winks of sleep. My Dr. doesn't want to put me on any medication but I think it's inevitable. Well I decided to do an internal cleansing. I am doing the Colonix cleanse and I must say I think it is sooo wonderful. This product works and it works well. It is well worth the price. I have really bad blood pressure and I take my medicine the same time everyday, every since I have been on this cleanse I forget to take my medicines because I don't have that pounding, blinding, fall to the floor headache anymore that leaves me drained.  To me that is amazing. I'm the type that let's my body feel what's going on. If i don't see a difference, I don't pretend I do, but I really think this is going to help me out some. I'm in the beginning stages, only a few days in actually and I already love the results so far. I just wanted to share that with my friends and everyone else... Hugs

Tomorrow I am scheduled to have my sleep study done. This is something that I have been in need of for quite some time. It was rescheduled so I had to wait another few weeks to see it happen. It's not that I snore or anything it's just that my body does not shut down like it's supposed to. I am awake until about 4-6 a.m. Then when I finally go to sleep. I wake up on the hour every hour. It is horrible. I feel so bad by the time I finally get out of the bed. My life is on hold because I can't get an adequate amount of sleep. It's awful. Hopefully we can come up with some solutions, once I get a little insight on what's going on. I know alot of it has to do with my weight. I never had sleeping problems before. If anything I never needed alot of sleep to make it through the day. I always worked in rotating shifts. My body would adjust rather quickly to any change I put it through. Which brings me to the subject at hand. The questionnaire they have you fill out is really an eye-opener. When they ask, "If you feel sad?", are you disappointed in yourself?", do you look forward to the future?" do you feel guilty?", "do you feel like you are being punished"?  Now if I had filled this out last year I would have answered no to alot of these questions. Surprisingly I ended up answering sometimes and rarely to a lot of the questions instead of never.  I never had these type of emotions so extreme until now, when I am at my heaviest. In the part where you have to give them a little bit more info if you wish I put that my weight is causing a lot of these emotions and that I know something needs to be done and I felt that my weight was causing me to have difficulties sleeping. I was completely honest in filling out the paperwork and it was indeed another notch in my arsenal for needing this surgery..SOONER THAN LATER!!!!!!!!

February 12, 2007 

TODAY IS THE BEEEEST!!!!!!

Today is such a wonderful day to me. I was finally taken off of coumadin. I am so excited. I have been smiling and cheesing like all day. I'm going to keep it short and simple,  I just wanted to share that. This is what I have been waiting for for quite sometime to get off of this medicine so I can start the surgery process. So yay, hello and hooray!!!!!! smiles!!!

February 11, 2007

It's when a calm descends upon you and you feel at ease with yourself and you are finally able to breathe...

I think that is how I am going to feel when I do finally have my surgery. Right now I feel that life is slipping away from me and that it is passing me by. Life is almost taunting me to come back and enjoy it, to be among the living again.  I do not want to be depressed and down and sad. I do not think I have ever before in my life felt so many negative emotions all at one time. I am the type of individual who sees someone who is negative and I am like, I have to get away from them because I only like positive energy. Well what happens when I am on the other side, when I am the one giving off the negative vibes because I am not satisfied whatsoever with my life and the direction it is heading. There is a lot of the old me still left. I still laugh, I still enjoy being around people, but it's slipping away, its becoming far more inbetween. The laughter is not as hearty, and the intereaction is very limited than what it used to be. I do not want to totally lose myself because of the problems I am having due to my weight.  I see myself changing, I see myself being a little snappy and on edge, something I've never been before and it is also being noticed and commented upon. I'm not a bitter person and I think, I really do think that it may be creeping on me, which tells me oh yeah it is time for an intervention, it is definitely time for this to happen right now, before I look in the mirror and not only dislike what I see but can't stand the person looking back at me.

February 7, 2007

I am what you call in limbo, just waiting to get off of this medication(Coumadin) so that I can make a grand attempt at setting the pace to have surgery.  I have a tentative date of February 12th to be taken off of it, I was so excited when the nurse told me that I wanted to scream, fall out and faint at the same time..lol.. I have been on this medication since July of last year due to having pulmonary embollisms(blood clots) in both lungs. This medication is no picnic it does a number on your body whewww. And of course being a bloodthinner it definitely makes any type of surgery very much out of reach. I knew I had a long wait ahead of me. I had already made up my mind before I began taking this medication that I wanted WLS. When I had to get on Coumadin I said oh my, this is going to be a setback. I do not feel that way any longer because it gave me the time to do the necessary research I needed and to be steadfast and firm in my decision to have WLS. So in a way I am thankful I guess you could say. At this point I am still trying to see which route I am going. It's funny because it seems that out of all of the things I have read and researched, the only decision I have made is to have the surgery..lmao took me a few months to come up with that, something I had already decided lmao?? hehehehehe. Just recently I was writing in my journal and I came up with about 50 things that I would like to achieve after WLS, and that list was written down very quickly. But I forgot the most important one. I want a better quality of  life!! Yes that is the key force behind wanting this surgery to begin with.  I have lost a zeal for life and my candle is slowly dimming and almost non-existant and I am too young for that to happen. I know that I am accountable for all of my actions and this is one decision I know I will only be proud of myself for. okay...i guess i've vented for long enough..lol.