THIS WEEK I DISCOVERED ME.....

Mar 05, 2009

I am beautiful. I am attractive. I am a woman. I never said I didn’t love myself. But I did tell myslef I was not worthy of life. I did tell myself that I was the ugliest thing on this Earth. I wen tot my surgeons office on Tuesday. And I was able to look at myself in a full length mirror. I was finally able to see the beautiful women that everyone else had seen. The woman that I had become. I may not be at my goal weight but damn it look at me. I am so beautiful. I sat in the doctors office and had tears streaming from my eyes because finally I could see what everyone else could see. Needless to say I walked out of the office with my head heal high instead of low as I always do. You see I went for so long thinking I was so hidious even when people were attracte dto me I pushed and pushed them away and even now I am exremely guarded because in the back of my head is that fat girl that says hey 17 months ago they wouldn’t have looked at you twice. But I also need to think 17 months ago I probably wouldn’t have been in that place I am in at that time. Rather it is the mall a store or any where else. The hardest part about weight loss for me has not been the eating. It has been the self acceptance. It has been learning me and who I am. Learning what really truly makes me happy and what really puts a smile on my face. I have learned to fall in love with myself without self love I can not have love for anyone else. I have had plenty of nights that I have cried myself to sleep. I have had plenty of days that I have cried as well. But I feel if I never would have cried I would have never tried to find me so I thank God for making me cry. This week I discovered that I am a beautiful woman on both the inside and the outside. I seen the person that I was told was there and had always been there. I also learned that I have continued to grow as a person mentally spirtiaully and emotionally and I am grateful for that. I am still the same person I have another shell but I still have the same heart and I hurt the same. However now I have more confidence and can hold my head up high. You know some times we don’t take the time out to thank those who stood by us no matter what. I am one of the lucky ones. I had family, friends, my dr’s office, and co workers who stood by me threw the whole process. I had friends and family members who went to classes with me and researched when they didn’t understand theprocess that I was going threw. My best friend Penny went to classes with me as well as exercised with me. She kept me at my dr.’s appt on time and wwas there the day I had surgery she has been my rock and I love her so much for that. My best male friend and no matter what still my love has been there for it all althought he was preparing to go to Iraq and actually in Iraq when I had surgery he called each time he could chatted online with me and kept his self active in the process. He was the first one who told me that it would all be okay and that I was a beautiful person both inside and out. He taught me what it really was to be and to be treated like a woman. (Smile for me D) He is the one who managed to keep a smile on my face when times were hard and still does. I will forever be grateful for him no matter where paths separate. The love and undersanding that you have showed me I could never forget or repay you for. I would  never give back one moment not good or bad. You better be taking care of yourself over there and I will see you when you get home. My friends Phyllis and Jayden not only listend to my ranting and raving but listend to me when I was just down and out. They gave me encouragemtn threw the phone eventhough they could nto physically be here with me. Jayden kept me smiling and was my voice of reason. And kept me company on my late night and those many of nights I have spent in the hospital. Phyllis served as my medical advisor LOL if I had some unusal ache or pain I would call her and still can. I love all of you guys and yall just don’t know there is nothing in this world that I could ever give or do for you to pay back the amount of support that I have reeived from you guys. I could never repay you for all of the time belief that you have given to me and showed me. My co-workers all the calls and stopping by to see me chking on me let me know that I had people who cared for me I apperciate that and I am forever grateful. Wow stacey what can I say. That was my personal nurse she nursed me in the hospital on three different stays from 2006 until 2008… she took the time out of her life to come and take care of me she was wonderful and nothing I can do will ever replay her for what she did and what she put up with on my behalf. I will always  feel I owe you something you helped to keep me alive.  My friends out in Arkansas She’Mikia and Tonya first off I miss yall and second I am glad that I was able to call and speka with both of you on occasion and share my life and received suppor to from both of you. I wish all the best and I will be there to see yall soon even if it is just for a weekend. My family what can I say. They may have been in illinois but they were there each and every step of the way calling and researching for their own knowledge. My Mommy and my lil sis Dijah… wow what can I say my lil sis for her age was so understanding and have been my personal maker over queen… lol my mom has been herself supportive in her own way sending up those prayers for me… each and every step… my bother Tony and his wife… wow… I love yall thanks for listening.. and growning with me. My brother Tomy and Magic.. helped take care of me when I had surgery.. there is no amout of thanks I could ever give that could amount to what yall did for me I am for ever grateful .  Anyone I forget please charge it to my head and not my heart. I am grateful for each and every single person who has been here rather they were positive or negative towards me  I still thank you… God Bless…..

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