tara-b

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well lets see where to begin ,

since my last post , i have fallen in love . moved my mother into a suite in my basement , maintained but not lost any weight since july of this year due to some choices i made that i dont feel in the least bit guilty over , but i do feel the struggle to get back on track and continue on with my journey of weigh loss.

even though i didt really lose any over the summer my body did go through some pretty cool changes that i didnt notice until about 2 weeks ago when i finally had to admit to myself , that it was too cold to wear shorts and i needed to go out and buy some new pants and long sleeved shirts to keep me warmer. so im on my way to the fat people store and im not sure why but i detoured into a regular size store and tried on jeans there first and to my utter astonsihment they fit. all be it there were the largest size they carry a 36 inch but gone are the days of 26w , 4x ect clothes. that made my day. i bought 4 pair . brought them home , had them hemmed and off to my surgeons office to ensure there was no prob with the band like being to tight as i have been having issues with vommiting. well what i found out was this , my band is fin , restriction is great so the problem with the vomitting is me all me nothing more than me not eating small enough bites , chewing enough , slow enough what ever the case but it is all me. what a relief to know that im not to tight , but what a blow to find that it is me that is causing he problem , by my habbits and not following the rules to the T.
so what to do.
get back on track , easier said then done im finding. i do fairly well all day till the evening , then the head hunger hits . i want ice cream or gelato . not cookies , not cake , not chocolate bars (although i have indulged in a chocoalte bar or 2 ) . i sit at work . all my clients in bed , house is quiet and i have 2 hours to go what do i want to do ??? you got it EAT!! even the house doesnt have much that interests me in the way snacking on bad foods , yet im still looking and by the time i get off work , i have worked my self up to the point of a near frenzy wanting the gelato and because i cant have it as the store closes early i have talked my self into an icecream sundae from all place mcdonalds , and admittengly have stopped and got one. so far over past 10 days i have only indulged 5 times , i have changed the route and speed in which i drive home so ensure that they are closed by the time i get there so that i cant indulge . but it isnt stopping the want for it. thats what i need , to stop the want.
maybe its time i make an appointment to see my councilor again and see about getting his take on it and help to stop. it could be stress , as i have recenlty moved my mom into a suite in the basement of my house and it has not been an easy transisition. could be work and me not know it. could also be this new man in my life i love him to death and he me. but i keep waiting for the fall out. i have never been in a helathy relationship so have nothing but bad relations to learn from and things are so good , im so happy , i keep waiting for the shoe to fall and me to screw it up and all that.
god i sound like im a mess , but it really isnt that bad. just sounds like it when i write it down.
anyway anyone who reads this , pls respond if you feel you have some encouraging words for me.

tara- out

ok here goes ,

nearly 11 weeks out.
have had 1 fill scheduled for the next on the 31st of march.
im losing weight al be it very slowly . this past week has been in the toilet for me. have been having one hell of a time , not snacking. specially in the evenings. i have been snacking on healthy things tho , like chesse strings or grapes , or weight watcher treat. well not entirely i did get into the easter chocolate at work the other night and the worst part was it wasnt even the good chocolate. i felt really gross after too. i have put it down to crappy chocolate and the fact i have had no sugar other than what might be in my meal that i eat.

ummm lets see. oh yeah , i have completed a 10 week course on body image that has  helped me greatly in accrting my body and appreciating it as well as hopfully being able to adapt as i get thinner. frankly i think that was part of the issue with not being able to stay on track this past week. people are telling me im looking good and healthy and not as puffy and thinner. i tend to sabotage myself when i get compliments and try to do anything i can to not have the compliments paid. i  have made an appointment with my councilor to go over this again and i will bring it up again with those at the wlls centre when o go there next week. maybe they will have some tips for me as well.

have notcied recently that im having probs with a few foods and it has me a bit concerned as im sure it is cause im not chewing enough or im justnot going to be able to tolerate them. the biggest is raw carrot. i love raw carrot. in fact almost all my vegies i eat are raw or eldente. how ever the carrot just wont stay down and dumb dumb me keeps trying thingking "today will be different" and it isnt.

ummm what else , oh the gym thing is a new thing for me. i joined on feb 9th just 3 weeks shy of my surgery and have been going everyday since or at leat 5x week. sometimes my shift doent allow me to get there so i have to rely on my own devices to get off my butt and do some walking and ab work on days im not in the gym. i have hired a personal trainer , let me tell u ladies , it is the best  thing since reese  peanut butter cups for me anyway. my trainer kicks my butt at least 3x weekly for 30-45 minutes at a time and the results are really starting to show. i am down in weight and inches although i dont know how many inces as we have not measured since i joined the gym. we are doing that on thursday the 27th just before i go down o everett for my fill on the monday. but i am down from a 3x to a lg/xl in shorts , a 3x to a 1x in tops , i can no longer buy bras at the fat people store they told me they dont carry them small enought , the bathtub water totally empties and doesnt pool behind my butt when i let the water drain out before i climb out .i can walk 8 kn which is 5 miles in less than 90 minutes in the neighborhood andnot wheeze to badly (im asthmatic) my blood levels are near normal (im pre - diabetic)
and some said i was sexy the other day.

so lots of changes going on.some good some not good. emotionally im struggling with the changes , trying very hard not to slip up and think positive thoughts through this. im not sleeping better like i had hoped , still needing to rely on meds for that , but the pain meds i h ave been able to lessen the amount i take , due to less pain and smaller pouch so effectivenss is less since less room to melt or what ever.

umm what else , im still planning a new life after the band and once im closer to end of summer i will look at school and hopefully know if i will be going for massage therapist or family councilor or perhaps even obesity councilor. so much depends on whether or not i can strengthen my back and shoulders and neck enough to be able to do massage or not , how ever i must admit the healthier i am becoming the more i want to help others in a counciling way, so we shall see as they say.

weight wise i am happy to announce that i have left the 2-teens and entering the 2-10's 2-9's ect so my goal of hitting wonderland by my birthday in early may is still deffinitely obtainable.
i want a bike both a motorcycle and a peedle bike. i want a peedle bike so i can ride to work on day shift and a motorcycle so i can ride to work on eve shift and not get killed on my peedle bike on the way home at midnight b the drunks on the road. the path from my house to work is 7 miles and a direct route for about 11 bars and night clubs , not a great thing to be on a peddle bike when the pubs are closing as im riding home.

ok so i think thats about it.
thanks for stopping by, feel free to leave a note if u are so inclined.

tara- out

im sure im losing weight but not sure how much and thats kinda bugging me.

im still unsure as to how much i should be eating.

i dont feel im eating all that much how ever i am snacking a bit (healthy but maybe to many calories )
maybe im starting to feel like what people refer to as banster hell , i dont know.

what i do know is this. im eating small portions , and helathy foods. breakfast keeps me full till lunch about 3-4 hours. then lunch doest quite last as long , now that could be cuz im walking after lunch so im wearing it off or my activity is pushing food through faster or something but i tend to want to eat around 4. so i snack. today i had 10 rice crackers and 5 dates.
now im getting ready to have supper , which will be 2 fish pieces , and some steamed gr beans. this will fill me up , it always does , but i know it isnt enough as im not getting a grain or what ever in . i save that for around 10 pm or so so i have something in my tummy to take meds with as well. so i guess im not sure if im eating to much , not enough or if the eating inbetween which i dont do every day and usually it is only once. but is this a problem. im not to concerned cuase i know this is to be time for healing and i know im not GAINING , but i am a bit bothered by what this may to do me and my success once i start in with fills. will it go away and ill be fine and full , or will it be a problem.

for any of my friends who may read this , feel free to contact me via email or leave a comment if u have any ideas

tara

last night , just as i was getting ready to go to bahai pot luck , sedona got out and ran undermy car. i tried and tried to catch her , but my tummy muslces are just not strong enough to not hurt with all the bending , and stooping and crawling under cars to get her. after almost 30 min  and 4 other people helping me , she got so scared of everyone she ran in the house, safe and i could go on my to the potluck. anyway i knew as i was crawling under the truck for at least the 3rd time that this was not gonna be good on my tum tum and sure enough m it really hasn settled much today. mostly at the blister site as my jeans are rubbing on it , but also tummy muscles are sore.
so now its 11 pm , i had supper at about 6 and then about an hour ago i ate again , a couple dates , 2 tablespoons soy nuts and few crackers. now i ate this not cuz i was hungry , but i needed something in tummy to take meds so they upset tummy more but now i am feeling so uncomfortable. now im pretty sure i havent gone over in caloric or serving counts as i purposely didnt eat all the protein or grain foods at supper although i didnt starve myself either , but i cant wait till i dodnt need to do this as i know it just isnt good to eat b4 bed and specially after supper. 
anyway tomorrow im not gonna do this , i think if tummy this sore tomorrow , i will take the meds at supper and then a sleep aid so that ill fall asleep eary in evening and not  have to get up and take pain meds again.
i didnt even walk today as muscles so sore in tummy today. i felt i need to rest the area. so now im feeling a bit guilty as i havnet really walked other than at costco in 3 days , not good i know , but also i know not bad as this is a time to heal not run a marathon.

ok go that written and said , so im done fot the night here.
i need to go journal as i had body image counciling tonight and i have some writting to do regarding that session today as well

tara-out

it isnt clarly said but i just reread it so thought i better make it clear.

this womans post made me realize until i read her post i wasnt 100 percent committed to this band. i still was not positive in believing it could and would work for me.

now i know it will.

the anger , the sorrow  , and all the other emotions that that blog brought up for me , have made the stubbornness in me come out and say u know what , u are going to make this work come hell or high water so get of your ass and believe it. dont let past beliefs and garbage about you not being worth it , sabbotage even this tool and gift u have to help , take the bull by the horns and use it. be successfull , and show your dad and everyone who doesnt believe in you , that it doesnt matter , cuz i did it and i believed i could

ok now its clear!!!

now im done- with this blogg anyway
not the weight loss

tara

wow 20 minutes or so later and im still crying and feeling very overwhelmed over a realization i just had when some one posted that she had been denied the surgery from her insurance provider. i have read many many posts about that , and im not sure why but this time , when i started to tell her to keep her chin up all these tears started to flow about me and the surgery and how i was self pay and payed it from money i got due to my dads death this past august.

what an eye opener. now i finally night even be able to grieve his death. i think i am finally forgiving him for things that i havent and i know have kept me from being able to to really greive his loss.

i know my dad loved me in his own way , but there are so many snide comments that were made , so many jabs not even necessarily stating your fat that he said over the  years , that really made me resent him and not like him very much.
my dad was an alcoholic and although it is no an excuse  for him for his bahvaior in my books it sure was and is for others , just as his  having spina bifida was an excuse.
my dad quite frankly was quite an asshole if you really want know. he thought he was above the law because his balance or lack of due to the spina bifida got him off several drunk driving charges , and more , thus in his reality telling him he was the best and even above the law. he had no respect for anyone of authority. while i can and do commend him on so many things he was able to achieve despite this challange he had been born with , he also was an ass plain and simple.

all my life he never ever told me he was proud of me , or that he loved me , or that i was a good person. He told other people when i wasnt around , but never me. if i came home from school with an B which  was very unlikely especially in math or english since i am dyslexic , he would want to know where the A was.
i was never good enough for him. he comments i heard from him were always about weight, and how fat i was , and how i would never marry as who would ever want to be with some one so fat. so i learned not to introduce my boyfriends to my family , so much so , at one time , my brother (dead now ) had a concersation with me asking me if i was gay . my mom thought maybe i was , since i never had brought a boy home and she had my brother ask cuz he and i were very close and he was gay so mom thought if i was he would be able to find out. If my dad did meat some one i was invloved with which did happen but it was very rare , he would always say to them , as he fluffed out his chest , you know , my daughter is quite a catch if you marry her. when i die and her mother dies , all this will be hers. just think , you ________(fill in the guys name) will have a boat , cabin on the lake , new cars regularaly and well maintained so no worries about breakdowns.
collector cars that i (dad talking) have restored over the years ,,,,,so yeah , you could be in for a lot if you stick it out with my daughter.
when i would hear this , all i could think of was how , my own father felt that he had to SELL me inorder for me to fall in love and marry. he didnt think that anyone would ever marry me or love me cause of who i am , but only of what they would get if they stuck it out with me. At times my mom would get caught up in this too. so when the relationship ended , it was always what did  you do  why did you break up , cant you talk him into staying , does he remember what he loses if the 2 of you break up.always my fault then of course the weight came into play , if only you werent so heavy , you have such a pretty face if only you werent so heavy , blah blah blah im sure we have all heard those lines.

ok ,,,,so , my dad died in aug of /07 . and many other things happened between may of 07 and nov of the same year to bring to me to the point where i had to make some choices about me and my life and what i wanted. so in may i put my self very heavily into counciling , both in group situation and private. The team i saw and still see helped me endlessly to heal and become helathier. it was during this process that i realized so many things about me , that i was unable to change cause i was so emotionally screwed up , no slef esteem , no self confiedence o nothing, till i started doing the work i have been doing.
it was thorugh this transition that i AGAIN started contemplating WLS but couldnt commit to either financially or emotionally as to whether or not it was for me.
just before going back to work after taking an unpaid LOA over all these personal issues i was going through including my dad death , i looked on line saw that there was a seminar in spokane about the lap band surgery. at this point i still was undecided as to what i wanted to do with my life and whether or not i thought the surgery was for me or not. but i wanted to go away for a few days before i went back to work and this gave me the reason to take off for a few days. little did i know how profound that seminar would be for me.
the woman who spoke was what did it for me. she said many many things , showed pic of her 160 pounds heavier than she was before banding and non of that seemed to say anything to me either way about it being a good thing or a bad thing to have the surgery. That was until she said 2 words.."self confidence". that was like a blomb going off in my head. i knew right then that no matter how i had to do it , i was having the surgery and i was having it right away.
my mom went with me and she was still well its a lot of money  , and all these other things not sure about it , but for me , it was the catalyst tha pulled me in. i told her i didnt care what i had to do , i was having that surgery and as soon as possible. she said well wait till the sring when the weathers better, i said no, its no or never, if i wait i wont do it. i have to do it now.
and as for my journey , that is when i became more active on the board and made friends here and stuff.
so i finally have my story here , and it took one person talking about her insurance being denied to open this can of worms. she will probly never know or understand how muh her post helped me to realize just how committed i am to this.hell even i wasnt 100 percent until this haopened that it would work for me. and i have been banded 10 days now. go figure.
she is an angel for me and im thankful i saw her for that or i might havemissed the chance to see what was right in front of me.
thanks........you helped a lot and dont even know it. mybe someday ill feel i can send this to her , after all its all here for those to see if they choose to. why not the one who opened it all up. infact she should be the first.
i will ave to send her a friends invite and invite her to read this story , maybe it will help her in some way

tara-out

he really is the best.
yesterday i was in so much pain i cried most of the day .specially in the evening and late afternoon.
i called his office and knew he would not be in till after lunch but that was ok as i still wasnt sure he would even be able to adjust me as i cant really lay on my side for long and the tummy is deffinitely out for laying on still.
anyway , we decided to try and i went into see him at 1030 this  morning. he set aside extra time for me since neither one of us was sure if he would be able to do much and wanted as much time as possible to try a few things if one thing didnt work ect.
well , other than pain in my left shoulder that seems to now be in the front not the back of shoulder like it was the adjustment was a huge success. no low back pain since seeing him this morning. its even easier to take a deep breath. the pain in my left shoulder is quite noticeable probly cuz i didnt really have much of it before and what i did have was in the back shoulder blade now it is in the front, After the appointment i went to wallmart for a few things , and  then it was off to the multiplex for my daily walk there. i walked a bit faster , and deffinitely with less pain , i even walked a bit longer. 
i will go see him again on tuesday to keep on top of things how ever i do have his home number too should i need to see him sooner. he says it isnt often he gives out his home number or his cell number but i have both as i have been a  patient of his for a number of years and he knows id have to honnestly feel like i was gonna die b4 id call him at home or on his cell. in all the years i have been going to him (about 8  years) i h ave only called him twice at  home. he has given me hell for not calling at times as i have gone in almosr crawling onthe ground i have been in such pain , and not called , so he knows i have to really be hurting o call him.
anyway had to post this as i think it is important to doccument not only for my own progress and such but for others who may experience the same thing , and not think they can get relief. i wish i had gone in sooner to be honnest. anyway im just glad i feel so much better now.

tara-out

ok for those of you who have been waiting for the story of the surgery and my meeting chelle. im  home now and more alert and stuff so will tell.

firs of all flight down was a nightmare. there were like 2 people in front of me before hitting security screening , and there comes an announcment that my plane has been canceled due to mechanical issues and that i can TRY to get on later flight. Well cause i had to get there and stuff i went to another airline to see what they might be able to offer me. she says , mam (i hate that) you would be better off getting on first flight from any airline to vancouver then onto seattle as we are a small airport , and chances are if you wait for the plane you were to be on you may not get out today as it is the same plane as the 2 pm flight and 5 pm flight. soo three hundred dollars later , im on another plane diff airline to vancouver. then i have a 3 hour lay over there to get plane to seattle. it took 12 hours to get from my house to the hotel. i could have driven there faster.
so , i get to hotel ,, we settle in then go get a few groceries , tv bed and wednesday (16th) is surgery day. i get there as requested at 0715 , surgery 0815.
not sure how long it took but eventually dr. came in , said it all went well , that i had a standard band put in and other than it taking a it longer than ususal to wake me up , nothing exciting to report. i was dressed and home by 1230 home meaning hotel. thursday i slept most of day.Friday was feeling pretty good , went to mall and wandered it for a while (3 hours) before i was wiped out for the day.
i got a call from chelle later that evening after supper and she was in town and on her way to hotel, so i got up out of bed and put on clothes and chelle was banging on the door almost right away.
she nad her daughter in law visited for a couple hours then they were off to take her son supper at work and see him. sat i was busy visitng family and chelle was busy as well. sunday night we got together again for a visit. chelle looked tired but good.

was so weird , cuz meeting her after all these years was like we just handt seen each other for a while and we were catching up. sos tupid thought forgot to take pictures.
anyway meeting her was great.
sunday during the day went to northgate mall and bought 2 pair of shoes from the new balance store there for the price of 1 pair here at home. the guy chris , was really nice and helpfull. i couldnt believe the difference in price and he was saying they have been getting a lot of canadians in there buying shoes cause of the price difference. soi asked him , how many people i had to send to him to get a free pair of shoes , he said that was negotiable and to just have people tell him the gal from canada sent them in and we would figure out something. so any of you in area needing s hoes go to north mall in lynwwod to the new balance store ask fo chris tell him i sent ya so i can work on another pair of shoes. yesterday before heading home , i had post op appointment , surgeon said i was doing well , no suprises and could slowly move onto soft mushy foods that could be broken up with a fork. but im still a bit concerned about the caloric intake as it seems quite low what im taking in, but im not overly full or overly hungry and it is lasting , so im just kind of listening to body asking questions and doing what i want to.
i also called toni o the night i go into everett and spoke with her. she sounded great. didnt get the chance to talk too much tho as it was long distance and she needed her rest , then i had mine and got busy with chelle and family and  my own healing. but it was great to chat with her.
so thats the story.
how much do u remember? there might be a test after i write a bit more about post op appointment.

i burned my belly with heating pad. it has blistered now but isnt a nasty red color , just a pinky red and then the blister. wendy from the dr. office is kinda freaked out over it all , but im not. i emailed the nurse just incase i should do something or not do someething , cuz of location of the blister and port , but im sure its fine.  yes im blonde. dump pain medication all over bathroom floor thanks to child proof lids , one night and then burn my belly.

ok so here is the test?

am i blonde or not?

tara-out

ok for those of you who have been waiting for the story of the surgery and my meeting chelle. im  home now and more alert and stuff so will tell.

firs of all flight down was a nightmare. there were like 2 people in front of me before hitting security screening , and there comes an announcment that my plane has been canceled due to mechanical issues and that i can TRY to get on later flight. Well cause i had to get there and stuff i went to another airline to see what they might be able to offer me. she says , mam (i hate that) you would be better off getting on first flight from any airline to vancouver then onto seattle as we are a small airport , and chances are if you wait for the plane you were to be on you may not get out today as it is the same plane as the 2 pm flight and 5 pm flight. soo three hundred dollars later , im on another plane diff airline to vancouver. then i have a 3 hour lay over there to get plane to seattle. it took 12 hours to get from my house to the hotel. i could have driven there faster.
so , i get to hotel ,, we settle in then go get a few groceries , tv bed and wednesday (16th) is surgery day. i get there as requested at 0715 , surgery 0815.
not sure how long it took but eventually dr. came in , said it all went well , that i had a standard band put in and other than it taking a it longer than ususal to wake me up , nothing exciting to report. i was dressed and home by 1230 home meaning hotel. thursday i slept most of day.Friday was feeling pretty good , went to mall and wandered it for a while (3 hours) before i was wiped out for the day.
i got a call from chelle later that evening after supper and she was in town and on her way to hotel, so i got up out of bed and put on clothes and chelle was banging on the door almost right away.
she nad her daughter in law visited for a couple hours then they were off to take her son supper at work and see him. sat i was busy visitng family and chelle was busy as well. sunday night we got together again for a visit. chelle looked tired but good.

was so weird , cuz meeting her after all these years was like we just handt seen each other for a while and we were catching up. sos tupid thought forgot to take pictures.
anyway meeting her was great.
sunday during the day went to northgate mall and bought 2 pair of shoes from the new balance store there for the price of 1 pair here at home. the guy chris , was really nice and helpfull. i couldnt believe the difference in price and he was saying they have been getting a lot of canadians in there buying shoes cause of the price difference. soi asked him , how many people i had to send to him to get a free pair of shoes , he said that was negotiable and to just have people tell him the gal from canada sent them in and we would figure out something. so any of you in area needing s hoes go to north mall in lynwwod to the new balance store ask fo chris tell him i sent ya so i can work on another pair of shoes. yesterday before heading home , i had post op appointment , surgeon said i was doing well , no suprises and could slowly move onto soft mushy foods that could be broken up with a fork. but im still a bit concerned about the caloric intake as it seems quite low what im taking in, but im not overly full or overly hungry and it is lasting , so im just kind of listening to body asking questions and doing what i want to.
i also called toni o the night i go into everett and spoke with her. she sounded great. didnt get the chance to talk too much tho as it was long distance and she needed her rest , then i had mine and got busy with chelle and family and  my own healing. but it was great to chat with her.
so thats the story.
how much do u remember? there might be a test after i write a bit more about post op appointment.

i burned my belly with heating pad. it has blistered now but isnt a nasty red color , just a pinky red and then the blister. wendy from the dr. office is kinda freaked out over it all , but im not. i emailed the nurse just incase i should do something or not do someething , cuz of location of the blister and port , but im sure its fine.  yes im blonde. dump pain medication all over bathroom floor thanks to child proof lids , one night and then burn my belly.

ok so here is the test?

am i blonde or not?

tara-out

I  have been catching up on the message board since i got home from work and my walk and the last pos i read was really quite scarey in some ways. they are talking about fills and whether its better to be aggressively filled or non aggressively filled , some of the comments are kind of scarey and rather than post my fears there and be told im over reacting or not ready to "give up the food" i writing it in here instead. it kind of scares me that people are wanting to be and or believing that being so filled you are never hungry is a good thing. i cant see that this is a healthy way to be using the band. if you are never hungry , u wont eat and there fore all food taken in will be turned into sugar and stored making you gain weight not lose. i have been there done that with out surgery , that is part of why im so heavy now. i used to think if i didnt eat at all i wouldnt gain weight and i would lose and the opposite worked i got heavier and heavier so im not quite sure if never being hungry is a good thing , cuz if u arent hungry then u dont eat hence the circle of a fat anorexic. Orrrrrrrrr regardless of whether u are hungry or not , do u eat by the clock?? im so confused. i hope some one can help me on this before i end up in this situation. another reason im not posting this in the site is that im not there yet , so maybe im misreading what they are actually saying.this is deffinitely something i will hve to discuss with dr. and or NUT as i was  under the impression that the restriction wasnt there to make u never hungry but to make u satisfied with less food there fore u eat less not eat nothing at all.
ok im done for now

tara - out
and confused