Feeling depressed...and wondering if this is what I did again.

Mar 29, 2022

I had my first behavioral specialist visit and that was really enlightening. She asked me to tell her how my childhood was and of course the childhood molestation came up (at age 8-14) I was molested by a family friend and that's never an easy topic ,but over the years I've come to terms with it and know that it wasn't my fault. Then she asked me "how did you feel after your surgery and the comments about the new you"? I told her "I hated the comments because I became the attention of men" and suddenly I was thrown back into a world that I felt uncomfortable in, men saw me differently , I knew that they were attracted to me and I HATED IT! My weightloss wasn't about becoming a "piece of ass" for another man but that's how they saw the new me.

Then it dawned on me and I had to ask myself "did I do this to me again on purpose (my original attempt to frustrate my molester was to get as fat as possible, make myself unattractive and maybe he'd leave me alone), so did I do this to myself again? Was the new me so uncomfortable in that new body that she chose to run and hide behind the "fat suit" that protected her from being seen as attractive to anyone? At our next meeting I have to explain to her that the realization has hit me of what I did and knowing this now, the next time will be different. This time I'll deal with the pain and fear before being given the "new me back."

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