lesley Y.

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So here I am working my way to my five month mark and I feel great. I haven't physically felt this good in a long time. I can play with the kids and love with hubby, but I find myself not loving me. I know that this is all a process and it will come but I honestly hate the way i look. I hat the fat I hate the forskin that is just hanging there and I hate the way clothes look on me. My kids love that mom is feeling good and hubby loves that we can do more but what about me. what do i love? how can i feel this way when I really am trying to be a better person. OK so hormones are probally runing my show tonight but I cant help it. I feel so......lost. But so far I am down to 260lbs and I haven't seen that in so long. I was pregnant with my second kid when I last weighed in at 260.  My legs feel great and I love to walk every where I cant stand to sit still anymore and I just have the need to go everywhere. is this what I have been missing all these years? I guess so. OK so i have stopped the crying and blubbering so I will this I do not regret ever having this surgery and I would so do it again.

So may 13 was my re-birth and I felt great till one morning I got up in owrse pain since surgery. Low ans behold I had not one but two hernias. So add another surgery to my list. Now one week later and I feel slightly better. Why slightly you ask? Well apperently last thursday after doing nothing for almost a week i pulled the muscles in my back. How you ask? Well if you find out please let me know. Went to the dr on friday and she confrimed it. Gave me more pain killers to take away the dreadful pain. Saturday things got better and then sunday was better still untill serving dinner and enjoying things with hubby for fathers day I got mucsle spasms so bad I felt like something was trying to come out of my back. So back on pain pills and heating pads. What gives. I thought losing weight was going to be great and I ahve had nothing but pain since having this surgery. I know Im complaining a bit but damn I hurt so bad.. Does this pain come with losing weight?  Or is this just me? Just a vent for the sheer joy of venting.

Ok so here I am four days before scheduled surgery and all is well right? Yea dont I wish. My 11yr old son wakes up this morning screaming and crying. I mean full fledged tears and screams. Once I clamed hime down I got the terror out of him Apperently he dreamed I died and the dark spirts took me and woulndt let me go to heaven and they kept him from and I couldnt come back to him. So I calmed him down and wiped the tears away kissed and reassured him that I will always come back to hime no matter what., And never worry about any dark spirts because we have angels that will protect us all. So once I got him off to school I have been sitting here wondering "Am I doing the right thing"? Now Im second guessing everything I have sone in the last ten mths. What if I dont make it what if I did lie to him about comeing back what if things dont go as well? these are all the things i am now worried about. i know i know things will probally be ok and things will go well but now with him having this terror im worried. I have decided to let him sleep in my room for the rest of the week just in case another dream comes again. wish me luck

Ok this past weekend I held a goodbye/hello party. I was saying goodbye to all the foods I enjoy and all the of the other things I know I shouldn't enjoy. But I was also saying hello to my whole new life and I can honestly say that I wont miss the old life. I will see it again just in a new light. I partied hard this weekend and even though Im not a drinker by nature some of the soon to be old friends thought it would be great for me to be a drinker that night. It was a good time and I cant say that I regret it because in truth I don't. I loved every minute of it and they all support what Im going to do and couldn't be happier for  me. I know that they just wanted me to have one last hell night before i go. I know sounds like im leaving for war and not wls lol what a fun night i got to meet gingerma from here and she in turn got to meet me and merri also from here and we have made tentative plans for the summer. i got final clearance from the drs today thought i was gonna have to push back the surgery because of my knee but everything is still a go. so may 13th here i come watch out its gonna be a zinger of a day. as my new life unfolds before me i see myself in a new light and i find that im not so worried now about how fat i am or who stares at me while eat or even who that damn camera but i find myself counting the day and loving every minute of my fat life and living it to its fullest.

I recently found myself going through some old boxes of things from my school days and putting things in order. while doing this my oldest(12) came to me and asked me if she too would be a fat girl? well she is a bigger girl but i explained to her that she has her dads height and my weight so she might even out or she may be a bigger girl but tis ok as long as we both watch what sheeats and we both exercise together then we might be able to get things straight for her. then she helped me finish putting things in book and went out to play squirt guns. later that night as i got ready for bed i talked to my hubby and told him about my daughter and he agreed that with me doing the surgery she has a better chance at being healthy.
getting ready for my house inspection this week i started putting up pictures and found that there was none of me except for the one family picture we have. i was ahamed of myself because i know that i avoid the pictures at all cost and now that i have done this my kids wont have many pics of me while they grew up. does this make me want to have a camera and take pics NO!! but it does remind me that im still a mom and that while im fat im making a healthy attempt to make my life and the life of my kids better. so as i have only a few weeks left before the surgery im packing my bags and getting things in order and praying all the while that im making the right choice.

finally after eight long mths i got it. i go the insurence people to ok the usrgery and good news is i got two yrs to get it done yea right like im gonna wait that long. as soon as the office opens tommorow i will be getting that date set. i will be a smaller me by summer yet. go me go me i feel lighter already i cant wait will keep everyone posted.

Ok so I took Merri's addvise and I called and called  and called. Finally I got an answer to what i have wanted to know. my paper work is all filed with the right people and I will know Friday if they are going to pay for my surgery. maybe before then if val gets the answer first.she told me today that maybe april or the second week in may. i cant believe it. im soooooo excited. my life is finally coming together. i feel like this is going to be the start of something wonderful!!!!!!! merri youre a sweetheart and i took your advise to heart and it worked they got tired of me by this morning.skinny lesley come on out!!

I know right. so i did what ever they told me to do and completed everything they wanted me to complete. and so yesterday i called and finally got someone to answer the phone just for them to say no we dont have all your paper work. so why did you wait a whole week before not calling me to tell me this. you know all it takes is one freaking phone call to me for me to get all the paperwork they need. but no they waited for me to  call them to find out how things were. but i figured this was gonna be the case anyways thats why i have decided to call them every week till they tell me yes. that way there are no freakin surprises instore for me. the paperwork is supose to be sent no later then wensday of next week. so on friday when i make my call they should have everything. but my bags are packed and im ready to go. all i need is my date

today i went to lunch with a memeber of the oh board and i had alot of fun. merri you were a great person and i hope that we can meet at least once a mth. today was one of the best times ive had in a long time everything has been so hetic in the last few mths that i didnt know which way i was going. meeting merri today helped me relax a bit and enjoy the moment.it was really nice to sit back enjoy a good meal and good new friends.

so here it is another monday night and i cant sleep. its not for lack of trying but why keep the hubby awake we with me tossign and turning when i can sit on here and do nothing. part of me is trying to keep my mind from wondering if the insurence people are going to approve me and the other part just wish they would hurry. patience is not a virtue i was born with. my mom use to always  say that i could never wait for christmas i had to open my gifts before everyone else. thats why she had to hide my things at my grandparents house until the night before. sorry i jsut want things to come right now and not the next day. and i hate boxes. go figure. if i see a box i ahve to open it or know whats inside of it. mom says thats gonna get me in trouble one day. probally so but who cares. incase anyone reads this im rambleing im bored what can i say. went to the stupid ortho dr today about my foot and  i got the same old story how he cant help me so go have this test done then im gonna send you to someone else. yea me. another dr. and if i have to hear you just need to lose some weight i think i might scream i mean what do these drs thing we jsut woke up one day and said hey im gonna be fat today. well anyways goodnight