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Well, I knew it was coming, I didn't want to believe it, but I should've ... it's here, my lovely beginning-of-week-4 stall.  It didn't help that I started my period this week, too.  I have been checking my intake averages for the last 7 days, and I think I'm doing OK:

Fat ~ 19g
Carbs ~ 65g  (had two days where I tried foods that were higher in carbs than I'd really wanted)
Protein ~ 61g

I'll up the water, because I feel like I'm not drinking enough ... and trust the process, that eventually, it'll get going again ...

It's been at least 15 months or so since I've seen a number on the scale lower than 220.  Heck - it'd been a long time since I'd seen a number under 230, if I'm honest about it.

But this morning, when I got on the scale, I saw 219.0.   

It's strange, though, I don't feel a sense of elation like I thought I would.  It's more that I feel stunned and shocked that I ever let myself get to a point where I would be celebrating being 219.0 pounds.  I mean, my BMI is still 36.4.  Granted, that's down from almost 40, but still, I am just amazed by what I did to myself over the last few years and how bad things had to get before I realized that I couldn't live that way anymore.

I know this is a very somber-toned message, and I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I am *so* grateful that things are headed in the right direction, and will trust the process to know when I feel most comfortable to start celebrating these milestone numbres a little more.  Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in to that "afraid fat girl" part of my brain that this weight loss isn't temporary.  Even though I am meticulous about my liquids, protein, vitamins, etc., and have developed some really good new habits already, maybe she is still in there, afraid it's all a joke and cynical that I'll be able to stay below 220.

Who knows.  But for today, I am grateful for the decision I made to move forward in this very positive way toward health and wellness, even if I'm not ecstatic over a number on the scale.

Am home, gassy, and walkin ' ... looking forward to getting past the clear liquids phase.  Finding it difficult to find things to eat that are protein-rich and clear.

Am in Texas and will be headed south soon ... definitely feeling head hunger today.  I *know* I have had enough protein and such ... stomach is still grumbling.  

Am praying, staying centered, and drinking water as possible to make sure all goes well.

See you on the other side soon ...

I've begun my pre-op diet ... Saturday, January 8, 2011 was my first day.

Today is day 2, and I'm having some withdrawal symptoms, but for the most part am doing OK.  Bought adorable little baby spoons to help me get in the spirit of "eating small" ... and it's been helpful in that my brain thinks that by bite ~ 10 of Jell-o I may actually have had enough.  Let me just say that while the spoons are adorable, Jello does NOT apparently like to stay *on* the spoons.  

I am having major headaches, not sure if it's from cutting back on coffee (I've not quit completely, but certainly less than before) or the stopping all diet soda (I wouldn't be surprised if I am 'hooked' on all the chemicals that go into making them) or even something else altogether, but so far, I've been successful, 2 days in.

My official weight yesterday before starting my pre-op diet was 237.8 pounds.  That's what I'll list moving forward in all my progress reports.  I'll also remember to record my pre-surgery weight and then maybe 2x/month check in on how I'm doing weight-wise.  The doc says not to check the scale all the time, let the clothes be the sign that weight is coming off ... we'll see how that goes. 

I HOPE I will be able to do that at least in the beginning, although I'm sure I'm going to be very curious to see how I'm doing.

I am really feeling down today.  I am really feeling my morbid obesity in my ankles, knees and butt.  Sitting hurts, standing hurts, looking in the mirror hurts.

I feel like a failure and I feel a lot of pressure from my step mom to EAT EAT EAT.  I have politely turned things down only to be given 2x as much with an expectation I'll eat it all.  

I ran into a HS acquaintance at the shopping mall today, and she's pregnant, and still skinnier than I am.  

My knees and behind my knees ache.

I need to remember days like today as I go through to the process to have surgery and then post-surgery self-care for the rest of my life.

I am ashamed I let things get this far. 

Hoping tomorrow is a better day mentally/emotionally.

With this investigation into WLS, I have basically given myself permission to finally admit I'm MO and in desperate need for help.  In doing that, however, my brain is now accepting messages from my body that HOLY CRAP I hurt a lot.  I went out shopping with my sister today on Black Friday, and while it wasn't too bad out there, it was hell for my feet, knees, and ankles.  Never mind the fact that I accidentally broke a toe yesterday just getting up out of a chair.  My socked foot slipped on the hardwood floor and I stubbed my toe against a wooden chair leg.   This morning it was purple, red and black.  OW!

So imagine 237-240 lbs on that poor broken toe, walking for 4 hours in a shopping mall.  Between the screws in my heels from foot surgery two years ago digging into my flesh from the inside out, the broken toe, and my swelling legs, I have a whole new set of pain signals coming in and with each one, I am more certain of my decision to move forward with WLS.

I told my sister about it last night over drinks.  She, too, is at least obese if not MO as well. She won't tell me her weight, but at 5' 2", she is carrying way too much extra.  Of course she didn't mean to sound mean, but when I asked her if she'd ever considered WLS as an option, she said, "I am going work hard to lose my weight.  I just need to get motivated and stick with it."  Like having surgery is easy.  Blecccch.  Wow, how many times I've been in that same spot, thinking the same way.  I am grateful for the counseling I've received and the research I've done to know that for me, I have to act on and resolve my health crisis I'm in from several angles ...  


WLS - to get myself on the way to a healthy BMI ASAP and relieve some of the direct physical issues as quickly as practical
Counseling - to work through the "why" of turning to food for coping
A support group (or 2) - to work through the "what to do" and taking it one step, ODAAT
My doctor(s) - who agree in principle (although one wishes I wouldn't do this - he's a naturopath) that this is a great idea for me
OH - for the wisdom of people who have gone before me
Exercise - I've been working out 3-4x/week since June 14, and have been making great progress, just not losing weight
Nutritionist - I will work with the one from the hospital near our home, even if I get surgery elsewhere

There's an amazing YouTube video I saw where a woman says into the camera, "Do you still think this is the easy way out?"  I trust that my sister will come to her own understanding of the what & why of my decision someday, and I have no control over that.  I'm grateful that my Dad & Stepmom accepted the news very gracefully and gave me their full support.  

Now I just need to continue to move forward.

Thanks for listening!

Theresa

I posted this in a forum and thought to cross-post it here:

Thanks - yes, I am in a program and and working with my mentor on a list of "bottom line" foods ... ones that just won't be in the house and are "no" for me for now, or forever ... they are the foods that if I have one, I will have 100.

I am also identifying my triggers beyond HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) and then identifying a list of things to do when I feel triggered and want to eat.

I know a lot of this is part of a protection instinct gone awry from childhood ... I was very sick as a little kid, and my Gram was the best baker, and always had a little jar of PB in her kitchen just for me ... and when I would be feeling good, we could visit Gram and she'd make me cinnamon rolls from scratch, or roast beef & dumplings, and I always got a piece of whie bread with PB as "dessert" (unless she made some amazing pie).  

As life got weirder, after my parents split up and my childhood took a yucky turn, I turned to food to medicate all the feelings I was having because my world got pretty scary from age 9 on.  And of course, a key component of that was PB, because PB was comfort, PB was Gram's house.  That, and cream cheese frosting (she'd make it from scratch for the cinnamon rolls) got me through years of abuse.

But now, as I'm facing WLS, I am seeing how this is SO different than a diet.  When I'm going to start a diet, when I'm going to start a program of some kind, I can say to myself ... PB will always be there ... it's an INDUSTRY, for goodness sakes. Or, Reese's isn't going anywhere.  Just don't have it right now...

I am realizing I was always preparing for the end of whatever behavior was dictacted by the diet I was on ... and NOW, I am preparing for a LIFE change.  It's a very different mental exercise, and one that surprised me yesterday when I saw Reese's and PB M&Ms at the store.  

I want to be different, do different, and live different.  I'd like to start these things before the WLS so it's not such a drastic shock to my emotional/mental health ... but I am grateful to know some of you have also gone through that "food panic" sort of thing.  That makes me feel a little better that if you can do it, so I can I.


Theresa

Hi, all ...
I am still learning usernames and such, and may occasoinally say "hello" to you in chat as though we've never spoken before.  I'm so sorry!  That's part of the newbie-beauty of being me.  If I do, please be patient and remind me.  :-)

Thanks,
Theresa

Hi, all.

I am relatively new to OH.com, first a little bit of a lurker, then a commenter, and then I sent out the first little tendrils of connection through friend requests ...

I have been very grateful for all those who have gone before me in this journey and are willing to share not only the good stuff that is happening, but the icky stuff, too.  I'm an engineer by degree, and knowing how things work and the risks has been beneficial.  I'm worried about all kinds of stuff, since what I'm learning from my doctor and the forums doesn't jive with the informaiton I learned as a dieting adolescent (no less than 800-1000 calories a day, etc. ...) and I worry about the malabsorption of nutrients and how that may negatively affect things like brain health, other-random-organ health, etc. ...

But what I do know is that being at a BMI of 40.3 IS NOT HEALTHY and is really contributing to a poor quality of life.

So.  I am taking this one day at a time, and my first doctor's appointment is 12/6.  I'm told by my hospital that the absolute earliest I could have surgery would be 3 months...not insurance rules, but the hospital rules.  I'm sure there's a reason for that, and I look forward to learning it. 

However, right now, I am in a mode of "I want this gone, and I want it gone RIGHT NOW!!" as though I just want to unzip the fat suit I've been hiding in for the last God-knows-how-long years, and step into a much healthier life.  I've been preparing psychologically for the shift, I've been working out steadily 3-4x/week every week since June 14, and ... I WANT IT NOW NOW NOW.  Clearly I have some work to do on patience and delayed gratification.

Like many here I've done the diet circuit, and have had successful weight loss for a period of time only to have it come back on after a traumatic experience or radical life change.  Now, my old methods of weight loss, and new ones I've tried (including working with a NUT) haven't worked well.  In the case of the NUT I hired, I think I resented her more than appreciated her, and for that I will make amends someday...but as a result, I didn't welcome her inputs as readily as I might have had I had a different feeling toward her.

Many life changes are in the works, for which I am working one day at a time to prepare for ... potential job change, potential move, and FINALLY taking care of myself physically ... grateful to be here and have a community of folks around that understand.

Thanks!

T