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Hello everyone!

I'm still diet struggling.  I am bouncing between 163 and 166.  You know what? Atleast I know and I'm working to better myself.  I currently went back to protein shakes during the day.  I am allowing myself 12 triscuits and a wedge of laughing cow cheese.  Then I am eating dinner.  My problem is snacking at night and lack of exercize.

Kids are good - 15 and 13 now.  Nicole is still cheerleading and Cara is still struggling with her issues.

On the relationship front - I divorced and recently got engaged.  It'll be a long engagement I promise you.

This past year was a bad year for me.  My grandfather died, a week later my other grandfather died, and a week after that my 18 year old cousin took his own life.

I've decided to return to school.  I am double majoring in elementary and special education.  I'm two classes in and surviving.

I've decided I want to have a baby.  We are having infertility issues so it looks like we are aiming for IVF...

I know what your thinking, why did you loose all this weight and have skin surgery to just get pregnant?  Good question and the answer is that I don't know.

Good Morning,

I know it’s been forever since I blogged. All my followers must be looking for me J I hate when I feel abandoned. I had met some really wonderful people on here and they have seemed to just disappear. It makes me sad because I am constantly wondering where they are and how they are doing.

So the whole back on track went down the tubes and I am starting again. Back to basics kids! I’m drinking my G2 right now and staring at the “before” picture that I keep by my desk, which is supposed to keep me on track; supposed being the magic word.

I was finally getting into the swing of things; going to the gym, planning meals, cutting down carbs. I was so proud of myself and then life kicked me in the gut. Both of my grandfathers passed with in a week of each other. Just when I was getting over that, my 18 year old cousin committed suicide. It was so awful and holding my kids together was the worst of it. So sleep eating came back with a vengeance.

I felt like things were beginning to calm down and then I got my Audit paperwork for work. I hate the Audit. I knew it was coming as it happens every two years and its prescheduled but it’s still stressful. I am supposed to be in California right now but my flights got all messed up and I cancelled, which is good, because my kids were an emotional mess.

For the first time in years, I was scared my clothes wouldn’t fit. I didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. I refuse to step on the scale. It’s time to make a change, I know, you’ve heard it before but if I don’t say it out loud then it’s never happened, it’s never been acknowledged.

I’m going to re-read my blog. I’m going to remember why I did this. The weather is getting better, I’m going to walk. I’m going to figure out a gym schedule and I am going to stick with it. I’m going to start going to family functions. I’m going to revamp. I’m going to reset. I’m going to do this!

XXX

Bobbie

Hello happy Readers!

I stayed on track – for the most part – over the weekend! I was only over my calories once. I even excised. My Boyfriend downloaded this dance workout. It was 30 min (and a rough 30 min it was) but it was fun and it was a great break from the monotonous walking outside or on the treadmill.

I could have walked outside but you heard my complaint about my hip flexors so I figured that slipping and sliding on the ice was not a good idea.

We are in for a huge snowstorm! 20+ inches. That’s definitely going to put a damper on my workout regimen. However, we have the dance workout at home and I plan on hitting the gym tonight after my therapy appointment.

My current goal for workouts per week is 3. In March, I’ll move it up to 4. I’m not spending my life in the gym, no way no how. I used to but I missed so much of my kids lives and it’s not worth it. My health is important but once spring starts, we will be riding bikes and swimming and all kinds of good stuff. Back to my original point, if I go tonight and I worked out yesterday then I have 2 of my 3 days in and I’m planning on Wednesday being my third. We’ll see.

So my goals for last week were to exercise three times and I did. I walked outside two days and hit the gym once. I did really well with my calories and actually avoided a lot of temptation.

I was sad that I didn’t lose more weight but I weighed in Wednesday at 157.4 and weighed in Sunday morning at 156.2 which is over a pound. So I really can’t complain to much. Slow and steady wins the race.

Good Luck Everyone!

Hello Happy Bloggers

Alright so it’s day 5 of my “stop you’re whining and deal” and I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been under my calorie goal since Wednesday. I’m taking accountability of what is going into my mouth and I’m working on moving in the right direction.

I had to beat myself to get to the gym on Wednesday. God I hate the gym. Thursday I walked at work which was dangerous because I almost fell on the ice a million times.

I’d rather not walk today and hit the gym but my hip flexors hurt. I think it’s because I got brave on the treadmill and jogged. STUPID!

If I don’t go tonight then I will definitely go in the morning. It was suggested that I go tonight but take it easy. I can’t do that, its just not in me, once I get there I’m like moving into beast mode. Maybe I will go and take it easy, hit the tanning booth, maybe the sauna, and 30 min on the treadmill?

Anyways, I’m surviving.

Bobbie

Ugh....Ugh...I'm so mad at myself.  Current weight - 157.  Scale - 1, Me - 0.  So getting back on track put me more off track.  I'm so dissappointed in myself. 

Anyhow, here I am 2 years almost 8 months out and I have gained 18lbs.  I have posted a fat picture of me at work and....I am not phased.  You would think that, that picture alone would be enough to motivate my tushy to start eating right and stop being so stupid.  No such luck.  This is what I'm doing to get myself back to 351lbs.

1 - Alchohol - hello yumminess.  This crap is packed full of calories so why am I drinking it? (we'll get back to that)

2 - Water - or lack there of.  Hello 64 oz a day, how hard is that? Very, cause I'm not doing it.

3 - Vitamins - See above

4 - Food accountability - How hard is it to type a food into my fitnesspal?  It's not but when I find out that I'm over my calorie goal, I act like a 5 yearold and stop being accountable.  How mature is that?

5 - Speed of eating - I swear that I am the fastest eater on the planet.  There should be a full minute between bites. I have stopwatch on my phone.

6 - Protein, Protein, Protein - See #2 & #3

7 - Night eating - What the hell is this? (I'll get back to it later)

 Why am I killing myself, why am I doing everything wrong? I know the answers and you do too, on three we can both say it, ready? 1...2...3...I am LAZY. This is the most unmotivated that I have been since 351lbs. 

So here's the thing with loosing weight, reaching your goal, being happy etc.  The pouch will not do the work for you.  I always said, when I was fat, that if I could just get skinny then I'd never let myself get fat again! but here I am, slowly climbing the hill back to obesity.

I know your reading this and your thinking "good god get that woman off her pity pot" or "all you need is encouragement".  You're wrong. All I need is to hold myself accountable, stop making excuses and start to do what I need to do.

So let me get back to my list as I promised I would.  Lets start with Alcohol, so yummy! and best part, you get buzzed quick. and worst part, you sober really quick.

Night eating WTF? So I go to sleep, I wake up, and I have to eat.  Then I go back to sleep and I wake up and I have to eat.  This happens three or four times a night. I'd say that I am consuming, in the ballpark of 1000 calories.

So I went to my therapist and I was like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and ran down the list and it turns out that I use alcohol as a crutch and I use food as a crutch (duh).  At night, I fall asleep and I have a dream (that I can't remember) and it sends me into a panic attack.  The attack wakes me up and makes me eat (or I make me eat, whatever).  This happens a million times.  So I gain wait, which is depressing (duh again) so I drink to forget about the weight gain which only makes me gain more weight.  I don't exercise because I am so darn tired because I average 4 hours a sleep a night.

Here's the plan:

1 - don't whine

2 - Myfitness pal

3 - track water, vitamins, protein etc

4 - Join a Gym

5 - GO TO THE GYM

Exercise should be relaxing and make me tired all at the same time.  If not, the tanning booth should do it for me.  Perhaps, between the two, my night eating will cease and hopefully, then my drinking can be curbed.

My ex is a dink, my kids are brats, both are failing - I can deal with that but I can't deal with weight gain.

On a happy note - I quit smoking!!!!

I've had feedback and people ask, why are you so mean to yourself, or why do you say so much about your life?  Because everyone has problems, they don't stop after weightloss.  I talk to myself this way to bring accountability to myself.  If I was all sunshine and roses then I would have never made it to the surgery.  So like me or not...this is who I am.  If you can't be straight with yourself then you can't be straight with anyone else.  Like Michael Jackson said "if you want to make the world a better place then just look at yourself and make the change"

Hugs
Bobbie

PS Never let the scale determine your self worth

Hey Bloggers

1/2 way through day 3 here and I have to say, I hate dieting. The only thing that helps to keep me going is my “before” picture hanging on my desk wall.

I am making myself more aware of my water intake, my vitamin intake, and the speed that I eat food. It’s amazing that those things are making me less hungry. I do miss the goodies. The surgeon did warn me (our surgeon’s warned us all) that this day would soon come. I was hoping it was a lie LOL.

I’d like to blame the weight gain on birth control or any other medicine or the winter or the holiday’s but I know it boils down to unhealthy choices. Blogging yesterday did help me to stay motivated and to stay away from snacking.

Currently, I’m forcing myself to drink my 2^nd bottle of water. That is ounces 21 to 40, one more bottle after this and I am done for the day with water (atleast the tracking concept of it). Have I mentioned that I hate water? I do…

It looks like rain outside and I am trying to decide if I’m going to risk it and walk or play it safe and find something to do to occupy my hour. There are huge consequences to each choice: if I walk and it rains then I’ll be soaked. If I don’t walk – 1) it may not rain. 2) I lose out on the extra calories that I would earn. 3) I have to find something to do that does not involve eating for an hour.

I did step on the scale this morning and I was 152.4 which is a 1.6lb loss. Although my goal is 140, I think I will feel better about myself once I break into the 140’s.

This blog series may sound like I’m whining a bit. I am, I’ll admit to it. My goal, as is everyone else’s, is to keep their weight off. I want my readers to hear that I struggle with what they are struggling with; I want them to know that, if they aren’t struggling now, there may come a day when they will. Bottom line is that if it annoys you then don’t read it.

I’ll try to write more tonight. This blog may be helping me more that it’s helping you. When I started my blog, I decided that it would be like a journal and I would write freely. My goal was to state the facts; be it good, bad or ugly. I never held back, I’m not going to start now.

Talk to you soon J

Hello There!

I know that this post is coming mere hours after the last but it is actually the end of day 2. I just posted late for day 1. I'm trying a theory; if I reflect at the end of the day, will that give me the encouragement that I need to finish the day strong?

I want to reflect on what I've learned so far:

1) I eat too much

2) Food high in protein seems to be high in calories - I need to figure out how to adjust without loosing the protein.

3) I eat slower alone. I time my bites to be one minute apart. This seems to help with overeating. 

4) Exercising helps me to eat less because I am completely occupied. 

5) I still haven't started my 30 day challenge, perhaps tonight?

6) Getting the required amount of water in is hard.  I hate water!!!

7) I am in control of my eating during the day but at night I fall apart.

There it is in a nutshell. I'll probably be back tomorrow! Good Night

Day 1 of operation get back on track sucked.  Litterally, it was aweful.  I eat way to many calories!  Where are the days when 600 calories a day was hard to get in.  I am however, getting more protein then ever before.  I'm about 200 - 300 calories over what I'm supposed to be eating.  Today is a new day and so far, I've eaten breakfast and made it to 2:15 in the afternoon and I still have 1210 calories left as my goal is 1500.  Accountability sucks

Hello Happy Readers!

I've made it 30 months and I'm still doing well.  After loosing the weight that I gained this summer, I have balooned out 14lbs.  Guess what kids...Its time to hold myself accountable for what I am putting into my body.  Enough with the excuses and onto getting back on track.  I have decided to log my foods into myfitness pal. My breakfast alone was 427 calories.  It gave me 25 grams of protein but good lord almighty.  I did manage to pull my bottom outside for a brisk 45 min walk.  I'm also restarting my 30 day challenge. 

Point to my post, watch the scale! It won't lie to you.  Be aware of what you are putting into your body.  Just because your pants still fit doesn't mean that you're not gaining.  You're pouch is a tool, do not waste it.

Honestly with the holiday's we will all put on a few pounds but it will get out of control fast.  Good thing New Year's is only 5 weeks from Thanksgiving!!!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Gosh it’s been 2 years and almost 4 months. I can’t believe it. My life has changed in so many ways since I started my journey in January 2012.

I had a little girl living with me by the name of Abigail. She was 9 years old and a tiny little peanut wearing a size 6/7. Abigail was officially adopted and is now Caroline. She turns 12 in two months and wears a size 14 slim. She is quite a talented dancer. She is working really hard to overcome the trauma that she experienced while with her birth family and in foster care. She has been allowed to take “one” class at the middle school and we are hoping to increase that soon.

I had another daughter named Nicole, also a peanut. She was 11 years old and wearing a 10/12 and is now in a Junior size 1. We were a football cheerleading family and have since moved on to competitive cheer. Nicole is now a freshman in High School and is looking into college. She would like to pursue law. She has started trauma therapy to try to overcome the trauma that she experienced while with her birth family and in foster care.

The year I started my journey, I had been with my husband for 9 years but only married for 3 ½ Chris and I decided to separate shortly after my surgery and the divorce was final this August. Chris was insecure and did not want me to have the surgery in the first place. He didn’t take me to the hospital, my mom and aunt did. He didn’t bring my children to see me. When I got home, he shoved a piece of pizza in my face.

Nonetheless, Chris was a huge part of my life. I still love him as a friend and he is the father of my children. He has visitation with my children on the weekends. This weekend he was stopped and arrested with my youngest daughter in the car. It was tragic for both of them. He is being brought up on charges in Kentucky for not paying child support. He has 100.00 every week taken out of his paycheck. This has broken down my kids and my family. It’s heartbreaking and stressful.

On a happier note, I’ve found love; it was by accident but it’s here. Kyle and I have been together for a year and 3 months. We decided to move in together in May of this year. He is really supportive of me as a mother, as a woman, and as a weight loss patient. He helps with my kids and he loves them.

So, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. With all this change and stress and turmoil I have gained 9lbs and lost 9lbs and then I’ve gained 6lbs and it’s still here. I have begun to sleep eat which is a habit that occurs when my stress level reaches max capacity. It’s there, trust me. So basically, I feel huge, which is both good and bad. I hate myself for gaining the 6lbs but gaining weight proves to me that the pouch is not a save all, it’s a tool. I don’t want to be 6lbs heavier L

Just know, for anyone who still reads this, life is going to happen. I am very honest in my blog and I tend to talk a lot about personal things. I want to show you all that, life isn’t perfect and your weight loss isn’t going to make it perfect. There will be bumps and there will be happiness & stress, loss & gain. Hold onto the reason that you took those first steps, remember what it was like to have your weight ruin your life, remember all those tiny goals, relish in the large ones. If you fall get back up, dust yourself off, and get back on track. You really have no reason to fail.

Last little note before I post – Don’t ever let the scale dictate your self worth.

Always, Bobbie