2015 Surviving weight gain

Jan 21, 2015

Ugh....Ugh...I'm so mad at myself.  Current weight - 157.  Scale - 1, Me - 0.  So getting back on track put me more off track.  I'm so dissappointed in myself. 

Anyhow, here I am 2 years almost 8 months out and I have gained 18lbs.  I have posted a fat picture of me at work and....I am not phased.  You would think that, that picture alone would be enough to motivate my tushy to start eating right and stop being so stupid.  No such luck.  This is what I'm doing to get myself back to 351lbs.

1 - Alchohol - hello yumminess.  This crap is packed full of calories so why am I drinking it? (we'll get back to that)

2 - Water - or lack there of.  Hello 64 oz a day, how hard is that? Very, cause I'm not doing it.

3 - Vitamins - See above

4 - Food accountability - How hard is it to type a food into my fitnesspal?  It's not but when I find out that I'm over my calorie goal, I act like a 5 yearold and stop being accountable.  How mature is that?

5 - Speed of eating - I swear that I am the fastest eater on the planet.  There should be a full minute between bites. I have stopwatch on my phone.

6 - Protein, Protein, Protein - See #2 & #3

7 - Night eating - What the hell is this? (I'll get back to it later)

 Why am I killing myself, why am I doing everything wrong? I know the answers and you do too, on three we can both say it, ready? 1...2...3...I am LAZY. This is the most unmotivated that I have been since 351lbs. 

So here's the thing with loosing weight, reaching your goal, being happy etc.  The pouch will not do the work for you.  I always said, when I was fat, that if I could just get skinny then I'd never let myself get fat again! but here I am, slowly climbing the hill back to obesity.

I know your reading this and your thinking "good god get that woman off her pity pot" or "all you need is encouragement".  You're wrong. All I need is to hold myself accountable, stop making excuses and start to do what I need to do.

So let me get back to my list as I promised I would.  Lets start with Alcohol, so yummy! and best part, you get buzzed quick. and worst part, you sober really quick.

Night eating WTF? So I go to sleep, I wake up, and I have to eat.  Then I go back to sleep and I wake up and I have to eat.  This happens three or four times a night. I'd say that I am consuming, in the ballpark of 1000 calories.

So I went to my therapist and I was like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and ran down the list and it turns out that I use alcohol as a crutch and I use food as a crutch (duh).  At night, I fall asleep and I have a dream (that I can't remember) and it sends me into a panic attack.  The attack wakes me up and makes me eat (or I make me eat, whatever).  This happens a million times.  So I gain wait, which is depressing (duh again) so I drink to forget about the weight gain which only makes me gain more weight.  I don't exercise because I am so darn tired because I average 4 hours a sleep a night.

Here's the plan:

1 - don't whine

2 - Myfitness pal

3 - track water, vitamins, protein etc

4 - Join a Gym

5 - GO TO THE GYM

Exercise should be relaxing and make me tired all at the same time.  If not, the tanning booth should do it for me.  Perhaps, between the two, my night eating will cease and hopefully, then my drinking can be curbed.

My ex is a dink, my kids are brats, both are failing - I can deal with that but I can't deal with weight gain.

On a happy note - I quit smoking!!!!

I've had feedback and people ask, why are you so mean to yourself, or why do you say so much about your life?  Because everyone has problems, they don't stop after weightloss.  I talk to myself this way to bring accountability to myself.  If I was all sunshine and roses then I would have never made it to the surgery.  So like me or not...this is who I am.  If you can't be straight with yourself then you can't be straight with anyone else.  Like Michael Jackson said "if you want to make the world a better place then just look at yourself and make the change"

Hugs
Bobbie

PS Never let the scale determine your self worth

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