Thomie2007

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Excuse me to all my holy rollers...but have u jus had a day when every one got on ur GOD DAMN NERVES.  I don't know if it is me (cause when everyone is pissin u off look at urself 1st) or them....I quickly realized DAMN IT it was them.....It must be a DUMB moon not a full one b/c everyone I ran in to today made me want to say "why did ur mamma drop u as an infant, was she high)....I hate my job (thank GOD that I have one) but these folks, sweet Jesus, don't know they ass from a running hole in the ground.  The lady at the bank boyeeee if I could have gone through the phone she it was OVER....She is lucky that the last time I got UGLY over the phone the police gave me that warning and I promised not to do it again......I am going to drink some wine and Just think about if I am really needed at work 2morrow b/c they might not see my black ass.

Well I finished my first class and I just need prayers......It ended okay.....Didn't get an A but didn't get a D.  I got a C and was happy about it.  I did not think that it would be that hard....it was harddddddd...had to work in groups and people don' t want to do there work....I had more drama with people I never met (on line class) than I do with people I have known allllll my life.  Will take next class after I return from vacay ATL here I come.  

I just needed to say that I did have an incident with my band last fill was to tight and I tried to keep it that way but was getting sick all the time.  Had to go to the emergency room b/c I couldn't keep down water after 4 weeks.  I now have no fluid in my band and boy can I eat...I pick up my excersie and have lost about 4 lbs since than.  I go 2morrow to get my fill I don't think I want it tight at all. 

I truly believe that I am destined to be great..........I have to try and stick it out in school.....i hate it alot......I have to keep tellingmyself you can do one year.....Then I say that I really don't need to.....I think about the 15,000 dollar bump in pay and it is alllllll workth it.......but everything is going well

Well I went back to school today.......I can not beleive that I am doing this...I just have to believe that i will be the only one who stops this process.....I am going to take this on like I did my weight loss and I should be good.

I thought a month ago my world was ending but I am still here.  I may be a little broken but I still work.lol  I have spent these weeks eating poorly and not excersing.  I hope that I am now going to get back on track.  this week I have lost the gained weight and some.  My doctor has put on some medication to help me sleep.  I think I am losing every fried I have because of the lack of patience and attitude I have.  

I also realize that this is the hardest death I have had to deal with but I am getting better everyday.  I loved my cousin but I am learning to realize I have to continue living. 

I woke up today feeling good I got on the scale as I do every morning and it said 229.4....I was amazed because I have not been eating right.....I went to work and I was great.....at about 2:30 I went to see my cousin...she was worst off than yesterday....I talked to her because she could not talk anymore.....she wasn't responsive......I told her I loved her and tears came out her eyes.....she passed away at about 5:30 with her family by her side.....
I LOVE YOU, ALISON VERNELL ISHMAN 06/04/1970 - 01/29/2008

After all the eating I have been doing and excerise that I have not been doing I managed to lose 2lbs.  I am very greatful for that.  I did not overeat today even when I wanted....today was the worst for my cousin....she is not talking anymore....before getting to this point she decided that she did not want hospice so she is suffering alot and in alot of pain even when she is getting alot of pain meds....I made a decision today on what I will now pray for....I pray that GOD will not allow her suffering what ever that may mean....I also pray to GOD for understanding and to be selfless and not selfish.....

I have been eating very bad....I am returning to my old self...I am dealing with sooooo much family stress...my cousin being very sick and my sister not being well still dealing with the death of my other cousin I want to go crazy.... all I do is eat and eat and sleep and cry I hope this changes soon or I will be gaining weight soon

I am down to 233....I am going to bump up my cardio and see if it will help.....I am trying to lay of the carbs at night....always want something sweet....I have started to do 45 mins of cardio before breakfast.....I am proud of the weight loss just looking for more

I had such a horrible day today.......I didn't go to work I just stayed home and ate allllll day long.....Back in late Dec we buried my cousin who was the only relative that my mom had in the state we lived in....her and my mom were very close...she had to children who were the same ages as my sister and I.  Her daughter my age went to the same school as I did and we shared the same friends....We were very close in our teens and twenties....we are now in our thrities and we are still close but I had children and she didn't so we kind of grow apart still talking often but not going out like before.....She was diagnoised with colon cancer a few years ago....A few months ago her doctor explained to our family that she is in the 4th stage and explained the types of treatments she would be gettin and what they were going to stop...she explained that the diease had not spread to her liver and that she still could lead a life because it had not progress to her liver....Well yesterday we found out that it had progress to her liver....She is no loner able to live alone and she has to walk with a walker and sleep in a hospital bed.  I am crying as I write this...I am soooo angry but I don't know why...I don't want to go out my husband asked if I was going to stay in our bedroom for the rest of the day and just eat and now we are mad at each other....My mother told my cousin that she was selling the house that we grew up in and my cousin called me right away and was trying find ways that she could convience my mother to keep it....All she kept talking about was the things that we use to do as children there....GOD I WISH WE COULD GO BACK TO THEN.