Desperately Seeking Skinny

My whole life I felt like the fat kid.  Was I REALLY fat?  Looking at pictures from back then now ... the answer is NO.  But I was always tall for my age and developed early.  Bras by 3rd/4th grade ... 5'8" and size 10 shoes by 5th.  Taller than all the boys until about high school.  It is also true that I was much larger than my little sister.  Really, she's my half-sister ... and to this day she probably weighs about 109 soakin' wet.

So essentially, I grew up feeling larger and more awkward than everyone around me.  Even in high school, when I was captain of my dance team, practicing 2-3 hours a day 6 days a week and competing on the 7th -- when I practically disappeared when I turned sideways -- I felt fat.  

So what am I left with?  It's all in my head. If I really look back, it all stems from self esteem issues.  There are a laundry list of reasons for them:
- My mom and dad divorced when I was about 3.  
- I didn't see him again until I was 18 and looked him up because I heard I had 3 half sisters in Vegas.
- I never really felt I belonged anywhere.  Technically, I was an only child, surrounded by a swirling cloud of half- and step-siblings. I was the only redhead, and the inevitable "child of the mailman" and "redheaded stepchild" jokes followed
- My mom had me young, and we have a complicated relationship.  She had (and still has) extremely high expectations.  If you had a B, it should be an A ... all A's, it should've been A+'s.  I love her to death and she is probably my best friend, but I have never felt I could please her, no matter how hard I tried.
- I married young. BIG mistake.  Major anger issues and abusiveness.  Divorced.
- I married the 2nd time to a man who was his opposite.  Kind and gentle ... sensitive.   At least I thought.  He started screwing around on me about the time I was hugely fat, delivering our first daughter.  Divorced.
- Lived in sin with another man for about 3 1/2 years.  He and his two sons seemed to fit perfectly with my daughter and I.  We were blissfully happy, got engaged 3 years in ... and then, "POOF!"  He left me for someone he met on the internet just as I quit my job to go back to school, was facing melanoma and had gained some weight.

Seeing a trend here?  I started out early with a gaping hole that I desperately wanted someone or something to fill.  And, unfortunately, each traumatic event made the hole bigger and added more weight to my shoulders and my hips.  Nothing like a good, old self-fulfilling cycle, eh?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder exactly how I ended up here. Other than my weight, I am a successful and engaging person in every way:  wildly successful career, two BEAUTIFUL kids and a very loving, patient and handsome husband (it only took me 3 tries, but it was worth it!).  I just wonder where it all went wrong ... and more importantly, exactly what it will take for me to get my life back where I want it.  I'm looking at this surgery as a first step -- a TOOL to getting my life on track.  I know the rest will be a long, hard journey.

About Me
Kettering, OH
Surgery Date
Nov 24, 2007
Member Since

Friends 112

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