4 months have passed- wow

Sep 22, 2012

So just realizing that 4 months have passed since my RNY on May 21st. What a journey! Great, good, bad, ugly and eeeevvveeerryyything in between!! I would not change it, I would do the surgery again and be as vocal as I have been about my journey- maybe even more;-) To date, I have lost roughly 75 pounds, including pre-surgery loss. I bounce between 157-160 on any given day. I had hoped to hit 145# but not sure that is meant to be. My body seems to like it where it's at and I am not sure how I would drop 10-12 more without being destructive??!! The 145 has been a stupid haunting number that popped into my head and I got stuck on- no one suggested it or reccomened it- in fact was told by my surgeon that it would be too low. Regardless, have stressed over it for a month since my 3 month followup. This week, after a moment of commen sense, I realized- what the hell for??? I am in the normal weight range for my height, I am running, doing Zumba classes, using my new elliptical, walking and using hand weights. The fruits of my labor= single digit clothing- VERY EXCITING!!!!! I am a comfortable size 8!! My 3 month checkup was fantastic with the REAL VICTORIES  being in my HEALTHY bloodwork and emotional health overall!!! I have stopped taking paxil after over 5 years of being on it. It was ROUGH- HORRIBLE drug to come off from but the mindset and physical health this journey has given me allowed me to do it!!! I haven't had it in over a month now and the side effects are about gone. Amazing what it is like to fell again- not just the _____________ from the med!! I ran my 2nd 5K today and had the BEST time for me from all of my runs!! 24 minutes, 36 seconds!!! This week, going to start adding distance to the 4 mile runs I do and will be conquering 5 miles very soon;-) Zumba has become a fantastic workout for me!!! SOOOOOO much fun and I sweat like a beast and love it!!! I purchsed an elliptical which gives me yet another workout- different from the others. I LOVE EXERCISE!!!
     So, some struggle and fears; I have some old demons re-surfacing since the honeymoon phase of the first 3 months. Sugar sugar sugar haunts me FAR too often. If I am being honest, sometimes it wins!!! The paxil was horrifying to detox from and I SWEAR I will never touch it again!!! Calories are consistently higher now- almost always reaching the 1000 mark and up to 1150. I have to admit- it TERRIFIES me!!! I know with all of my exercise that its ok but never-the-less, not happy about it. That is something I need to work on!! My choices have not always been the greatest over the last few weeks. I don't like not being in control and at times I feel like the old fat slob binging me- like if I looked down I would see allllll of the weight back:-( Sigh....maybe some things really don't change?? I do not want to fail at this- so many people watching, encouraging me- a LOT of pressure- I am used to eating to calm stress and I CANNOT WILL NOT keep giving in that way.
    What makes me very happy thru all of this are the messages I get from others who have decided to either look into this journey for themselves, those that have actually started the journey and those who have started moving even without the help of our weight loss center.

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