Tristabelle

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

 Well I've survived a week of this horrible diet. I saw my surgeon on Thursday and he was very tough with me. He was disappointed that I've only lost 10lbs so far, told me that if I gained even one pound he would cancel the surgery, and asked that I lose another eight pounds this week. I started to cry like you wouldn't believe at that point and tell him how freaking hungry and tired I am. He became a little gentler with me when I started to cry and said that a salad won't fill me up for long but that I'd be ok to go ahead and have one so long as I added nuts or meat to it. After the appointment we went to subway and I had the yummiest chicken salad in recent memory. I had no idea this would be so hard. Before we got to subway and after the surgeons appointment I finally cried the ugly cry. I was about ready to call and cancel this whole thing and was cursing it up and down. Since the appointment I've had some time to think things through and decided to trust that there's a reason my surgeon is such a tough a$$. Maybe I needed that because yesterday I wasn't even tempted to stray from my diet, I have my eyes on the prize and I'm not willing to let it go. One week left yeah!

June 30th! It's really really real and it's slowly starting to hit me. I haven't allowed myself to really be excited about it for fear of being let down. In fact, last week as I waited for the insurance to call me with approval I went into a downward spiral because I was sure they were going to deny me. When they called on Monday to let me know I was approved I bawled for over an hour to Virginia with relief.  It still wasn't real though. Then they called me this morning to schedule my surgery and give me some directions and I felt rather numb about it. I don't understand my emotions about this at all but I guess that's ok.  Now my head is wondering what size I'll be a year from now. How will my life change.  Mindy said "Just think. A whole new you a year from now". At the time I thought that sounded great but now I don't like the way it sounds at all because I genuinely like who I am now. I just want to be healthier and feel better and find cute clothes at the second hand store *grin*.   

 Sunday at the park  with the family I couldn't help but think how much better life has been since I started exercising and trying to be more active. I let my weight hold me back from so much in life always writing myself off as too fat to do anything. I was afraid of the judgement and stares that people would pass on me and so I sat on the sidelines of life. This time last year I doubt I would've been running back and forth across the field with my kids trying to get a kite into the air, or taking everyone to the Y for a swim. Yesterday I went swimming all alone for my workout and even though I still had twinges of embarrassment I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused on how great the water felt and how wonderful it is to be taking care of myself. I've come a long way already but it hasn't been an easy road by any means. I sometimes wonder if I'm going through a cycle of grieving over the upcoming loss of favorite foods. I know when I first thought of gastric bypass I cried at the thought of losing mashed potatoes and cheesecake. I spent a few weeks worrying about the loss of ice cream. Quite literally my heart broke a few times. Last week I was angry about all of this. Angry that I've been working my a$$ off at the gym, eating the right things and am still unable to lose weight. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have gastric bypass. I know there are lots of obese people who would love this opportunity but can't afford it or insurance doesn't cover it. I know it's going to be a long hard battle but I know what I'm in for and what I have to do to be successful in this. I've spent months agonizing about the what if's. What if I lose the weight and gain it all back? What if I lose the weight and I have all kinds of lose skin? I've decided it doesn't matter. I've come to realize that I don't have the slightest idea what my future will bring but I won't know unless I try and so I'm going to try my hardest and be proud of my efforts. Of course I'm worried about complications too but I can't dwell on those. I know about vitamin deficiencies, strictures, gall bladder problems, death, and others but I also know that I'm in a good place. I'm severely obese but I'm not the category of obese where most complications occur. I don't have any co-morbidities and I've been working my butt off exercising and dieting and have put my liver in a good position for this surgery. In five days I will go into my primary care physicians office to be weighed. That number will then be faxed to my insurance company for verification that I haven't put on five pounds. Then the approval will be faxed to my surgeons office and finally the surgeons office will call me with my date. It's scary not knowing what kind of a time frame I'm looking at. Will it be two weeks? Four weeks? I'm so thankful for this six month waiting time. It's been really hard to wait but it's given me a lot of time to practice things like paying attention to when I'm full. I don't belong to the "clean plate club" any longer. I've given up all soda. I've learned appropriate portion sizes. I've learned to pay attention to if I'm really hungry or am I eating for some other reason and I've learned that I can do anything I like no matter what size I am and that is an enormous gift to myself.

I've made it through a big hoop. I've been approved by my dr, surgeon, dietician, and psychiatrist for the surgery and everything was submitted on Friday to my insurance company for final approval. I'm trying not to worry too much about it and trust that everything will work out just the way it's supposed to but sometimes it's hard. Yesterday DH came up to me and asked me if I'm sure about this and I stalled. I mean, most of the time I'm sure, I think I'm sure but then again I don't know that I've ever been sure about anything in my entire life so why would I be about this as well? I think more then anything I'm just afraid of the possible complications and the idea of this being permanent scares me a heck of a lot as well. I plan on being around for a very long time after this surgery. :)  I try to focus on my goals, daily and long term. So far I'm still eating very well. I'm at the gym every weekday for at least an hour trying to lose the 25 lbs my surgeon requested I lose. Long term I think about sitting on dh's lap and shopping in the normal clothes sections with my closest friends. I think about Halloween and crossing my legs. I think about swimming without being embarrassed or riding on carnival rides again. I think about living and that's when the fears dissipate.  Everyone I talk to says it's normal to be so afraid so here's hoping their right.