Tristabelle
A little peace at last
Apr 28, 2011
Sunday at the park with the family I couldn't help but think how much better life has been since I started exercising and trying to be more active. I let my weight hold me back from so much in life always writing myself off as too fat to do anything. I was afraid of the judgement and stares that people would pass on me and so I sat on the sidelines of life. This time last year I doubt I would've been running back and forth across the field with my kids trying to get a kite into the air, or taking everyone to the Y for a swim. Yesterday I went swimming all alone for my workout and even though I still had twinges of embarrassment I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my mind and focused on how great the water felt and how wonderful it is to be taking care of myself. I've come a long way already but it hasn't been an easy road by any means. I sometimes wonder if I'm going through a cycle of grieving over the upcoming loss of favorite foods. I know when I first thought of gastric bypass I cried at the thought of losing mashed potatoes and cheesecake. I spent a few weeks worrying about the loss of ice cream. Quite literally my heart broke a few times. Last week I was angry about all of this. Angry that I've been working my a$$ off at the gym, eating the right things and am still unable to lose weight. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have gastric bypass. I know there are lots of obese people who would love this opportunity but can't afford it or insurance doesn't cover it. I know it's going to be a long hard battle but I know what I'm in for and what I have to do to be successful in this. I've spent months agonizing about the what if's. What if I lose the weight and gain it all back? What if I lose the weight and I have all kinds of lose skin? I've decided it doesn't matter. I've come to realize that I don't have the slightest idea what my future will bring but I won't know unless I try and so I'm going to try my hardest and be proud of my efforts. Of course I'm worried about complications too but I can't dwell on those. I know about vitamin deficiencies, strictures, gall bladder problems, death, and others but I also know that I'm in a good place. I'm severely obese but I'm not the category of obese where most complications occur. I don't have any co-morbidities and I've been working my butt off exercising and dieting and have put my liver in a good position for this surgery. In five days I will go into my primary care physicians office to be weighed. That number will then be faxed to my insurance company for verification that I haven't put on five pounds. Then the approval will be faxed to my surgeons office and finally the surgeons office will call me with my date. It's scary not knowing what kind of a time frame I'm looking at. Will it be two weeks? Four weeks? I'm so thankful for this six month waiting time. It's been really hard to wait but it's given me a lot of time to practice things like paying attention to when I'm full. I don't belong to the "clean plate club" any longer. I've given up all soda. I've learned appropriate portion sizes. I've learned to pay attention to if I'm really hungry or am I eating for some other reason and I've learned that I can do anything I like no matter what size I am and that is an enormous gift to myself.
