I cannot remember a time when I wasn't considered in need of a diet by my father.  He was a fat kid until he entered the military and it was tough for him, so he always tried to prevent me from the same fate.  Ironically his efforts had the reverse effect.  I rebelled against the feeling of deprivation and ate anything that satisfied me as an adult.  I have been smaller at times and larger at times, but have never been normal.

Now I find myself facing the reality that as I age this is getting harder.  I used to be able to function as a skinny person, and keep up even though I was fat. Now I find my body aching and my joints hurting, and I just want to hibernate in my home.  

My husband finds me attractive even though he finds other women my size disgusting...weird.  He loves me, but sometimes makes me feel like it is conditional (he would agrue it isn't and I don't think he means to be conditional, he really loves me the best he can given his background).  Our relationship has been quite bumpy.  We will have our 10 year anniversary in April 2008, and there have been many times I didn't think we would make it.  He has a very bad temper and deals with mood swings, making it hard on a relationship.  I deal with my own issues of codependence, and don't particularly love who I am.  I worry that we will not make it if I have WLS, but I don't know exactly why.  I don't stay with him because I am fat and afraid of not being loved by someone else...I stay with him because we are terribly in love in spite of our issues.  I also want to raise this family together...so WLS won't change that I hope.  But I fear it may and have to do this for myself anyway.

So, here I am facing my first WLS appointment with Dr. Ganta.  I am sure insurance will approve me because of my BMI and I also have a long history of problems associated with a couple of herniated disks.  I want to have this done asap, but will probably have to wait until summer so I don't miss work.  I am a teacher.

I have spent my whole life hating myself for being fat and loving food in a multitude of ways, so I guess it is time to face my food demons and learn new ways to cope with life.  I am scared and excited all at the same time.  My family says they support me but I get the feeling they all think I should just diet it off again...but I have and it comes back.  I am tired of losing this war.  So, here I go...


About Me
Round Rock, TX
Location
23.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/27/2008
Surgery Date
Dec 11, 2007
Member Since

Friends 43

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