Who would have thunk!!!.....

Aug 06, 2008

Here it is August....8 months after surgery and I am only 3 days away from running my first 5K.  I'm down 125 pounds and I feel "FABULOUS".  Bonus...I'm wearing a size 10 pants and small tops.  I look at myself with such respect and admiration now.  I understand all those events that happened in my life before surgery and know that all the hardships have brought me to where I am today.  I lived how God had intented and I accept that...and now he has brought me to this new life,  that will be filled with excitement, adventure and alot of love for who I am.  I know we all will look back and say we didn't like who we were before but kept going on that same track like a train with no direction.  Now I have a new road to travel on and I want to become that person the Lord has blessed me with.  I have in my life a wonderful caring man that is my "best friend" and his love and kindness is bringing me to the women I have never known before.  I admire him for who he has become from his journey in life and understand that if God willing we will be together for the rest of our lives.  I am truly blessed and I see the world and this time as the colorful canvas it is and I am here to paint my life beautiful.  AMEN!!

ONE YEAR AGO......as the story goes....

Jun 09, 2008

I can't believe it's been a year already since I had my first appointment at Kaiser and was the beginning of my new life. One hundred plus pounds ago I had no road to walk upon, no dreams that would come true, no light at the end of my tunnel and no love for myself in my heart. But here I am today exercising daily, eating properly and taking my vitamins and experiencing life to the fullest....and I have this wonderful friend that keeps me alive and feeling like a women....yeah not him...it's me!!!! I am my best friend and I love who I have become. I love that I can work out and know the muscles are toning, I love eating what I should and have the stength to say no to what I shouldn't, I love that I wear such cute clothes and can go to any store and buy something off the rack..I love that when people see me they notice me....not just my eyes or how nice my makeup looks today. I am so proud of myself for turning on my blinker and taking that road brought me to this point. One year ago I had a dream....today I am living that dream...thank you God for blessing me with all the wonderful sunrises, sunsets and for being alive.

How I've missed so much....

May 12, 2008

Here I am 106 pounds lighter, the way I carry myself is different, The way I feel is incredible, my passion for life has been enhanced and yet I find myself wanting those things the sun, rain, moon and stars just can't give me.  The touch of a strong hand on my face, the warmth of arms around me, slow dancing and hearing his every breath, the feel of his face against mine, how it feels to hold his hand, looking into his eyes and knowing he is seeing me and not thinking about someone else.  Sitting close and the warmth of him next to me, his laughter at something funny, the way he looks at me from across the room.  These things I don't have...and yet I wish I did.  Calling it as it is....I'm lonely!!  My life up to today has not had this....one with substance, one with emotion, one with passion, one with encouragement, one with direction....I'm one without.  What is it God has intented for me?  Where is this companion I long for?  What part of patients have I not succeeded at?  I know that in this life you must be completely prepared for the existance of this wonderful - true love that has been waiting for you....but I am in such an emotional wave - What I think I need and what I want are battling it out in my heart.   

Dear God,
I ask of you nothing but to bring to me the love of a man like no other.  His strong hands to hold me, his arms to warm me, his smile to comfort me, his patients, understanding and support while I continue my journey, his laughter to make me smile, his eyes to see me and love me for who I am and who I want to be, his unconditional support, to have him be with kindness to open all doors for me, to allow me to give to him as I receive from him, to want passion displayed in public and to give to me the same, to have him as my "handyman" to fix what is broken and not blame,  allow him to be beside me though the hard times as well as the good times while we are together, his ability to care for my family and my loved ones, the way he brings me gifts - just because, and to know that he will be the love of my life for the rest of my life.  If you feel I have not asked for too much or my request is too unrealistic, please let me understand what you have intented for me.  I pray for these things Father.
AMEN

Is it possible the turtle is turning into the rabbit???

May 08, 2008

I have been in the "zone" and running my tail off so I can continue to lose the weight....tone the muscles and feel fantastic.  I'm on the treadmill 5 nights a week, and on the bike 2 nights a week.  Yes I may find myself taking a day off just to regroup.  I also use weights 4-5 nights a week...depending upon what "I" choose to do.  So why is the turtle running scared? because she is finding that running this much....I'm feeling like the slow turtle shell may be shedding and the rabbit is coming of herself.  I love to run on the treadmill - I find that I can leave all the other stuff somewhere else and just focus on me for that one hour time.  Close off the world and let the music play.  
I am so blessed and grateful to be able to run and enjoy what I am doing for myself.  I am proud of who I am becoming and love all the changes my body, mind and soul is accomplishing.  I am in a new spiritual enlighten level and enjoying the company of an old friend.  I don't question anymore when is Mr. Right coming into my life because I am more important than anything else...anyway...why a Mr. Right you ask?  well love, when it arrives will only enhance my life not create it.

So...now that I've lost over 100 pounds - feeling fabulous - looking marvelous - sexier and loving my shopping trips and finding new clothes...look for me to only get better...I am reaching for new begginings and enjoying all my "Wow" moments everyday.

Turtle has found a faster pace!!

Apr 10, 2008

After surgery, my 49th birthday, losing my Mom and finding myself - I have discovered that getting back into running or "turtlerunning" is just what I love to do. It took me a while to realize how much I have missed the simple pleasures of running, dressing up, and having men pay attention to me in "just that way".  I'm so not ready to be a "hoochie mama"....but I do dress nice to show off what weight I have lost and to make my new shape look smarter.  I love going into any store and picking out "off the rack" clothes.  

Ok now  back to my "turtlerunning"....I am up to 2 miles on 2.0 incline at 3.5 speed...this is where I acheive those ultimate goals.  I do weights 4-5 times a week...so my workouts are about an hour 5 times a week.  4 mornings a week I get up at 5am and ride the stationary bike and do 50 crunches, butt lifts and whatever else I want to do.  Loving every minute of it. 

What can I say about getting attention from men.  I think at some point in my new journey of life I realized that my "before" life is not the same as my new life and I had to come to the understanding what happened before will not happen again.  I will not allow it.  I had no respect for my own feelings before - I allowed men to treat me a certain way and said it was ok just so they would pay attention to me...now I pay attention to myself and allow only those who are genuine to be allowed into my world.  *It's all about me* now.  What do I want...what do I like...!!!  


After the loss.....finding yourself.

Feb 25, 2008

It's hard to imagine my world without my Mom, seeing her everyday and just to hear her voice again.  Funny thing is...I can hear her voice again because I have her on video tape and cassett tapes.  I again can see the lines on her face, her smile and remember how I felt when she would say "I love you baby"...those are the things I thought I would never have again.  But it's her touch I miss the most.  The softness of her hands, the warmth of her hugs or all those times I would sit up with her while she had her nose bleeds and just try to comfort her throught them or when I would take her on a "Road Trip" to wherever she and Dad wanted to go and we would sing Gaither Gospal songs.  Mom & I harmonized real good....we just had it.  

Here I sit at work trying to be the trouper I told her I would be and get on with this so called Life....and she waited to pass till I had my surgery and was sure I would be ok.  How amazing my Mom was and in my heart she still is.

Finding ones self after a death is like trying to find the needle in the haystack.  How do you do that.  How do you put this emptiness behind you and find love.  Mom said that I will have my happiness, the one I put a side to take care of her.  Maybe the card I sent him will bring me this happiness she spoke of....or will it be someone else.

I know my Mom is with me and watching over me...Mom....I miss you.

One week ago....

Feb 18, 2008

Your heart breaks into so many pieces, your soul can't comprehend the loss you feel, the void that will never be filled, and the sorrow of losing your best friend, your inspiration and the only person that truly understood you. I lost my mom on February 11, 2008 to Mylodisplactic, a blood disese. She had this for 14 years and to the surprise of her doctor lasted 7 years longer. My mom was a true fighter. She had the strength to always come back from a battle, nose bleeds, ulcers, and so many times in the hospital - I lost count. The last year or so was the turning point for her. She was in and out of the hospital almost every month. It wasn't until the last few months when she started having blood transfusions a couple times a week - then you suddenly realize...this could be the one time she won't make it. I took her to the emergency room for the last time a few days before and it was so clear to me that something wasn't right...my mom would not be coming home. On Saturday her doctor came to us and told us that there was nothing more he could do for her. Her choices were, Hospice, continual transfusions or comfort. Mom was tired of what was happening to her, the shots, blood transfusions and all the pain associated with it. She and my dad choose to leave with comfort care and ease her pain. I miss my Mom so terribly. Today I cleaned out the closet and her drawers so that Dad would find peace. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I promised Mom I would take care of Dad. To everyone who reads this. Hug your Mom and tell her every day how much you love her. Never let a day go by without taking time to call her, take her places and just be the best daughter or son you could be. No matter what she may have done to upset or piss you off...it's just not worth it to be mad at her. A mothers love is so important to each of us. I love you mom and I miss you so.

Two weeks after surgery

Jan 02, 2008

Here I sit at work, two weeks after having gastric bypass surgery and feeling so good.  Wow, what an amazing experience that was.   I hardly had any pain, except for the pains from the gas.  I just got up and walked and felt better soon after.  Burp - fart- whatever.  

I'm learning so much about my own personal strenghts.  My ability to understand the processes that go along with surgery, the things people don't tell you, the way your life will change in so many dramatic ways.  The strange things you think about while your walking, the way you  notice the food others eat, the clothes and the styles.  I think I'm more excited to put on a "sweet" outfit then I am about the attention I will be getting.  I have always felt that I was a kind, generous person, but now add that with a nice bow and I am the full package. (now doesn't that sound really stupid?)  

So from here on, this is going to be the "E" ticket ride I have been needing to fullfill the life I look forward to.

Sit down, buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Last "Fat" day in the city

Dec 10, 2007

I had such a wonderful time in San Francisco on Saturday with my daughter and sister.  We met my cousin Eric for the best Brazilian lunch.  But the kicker was while walking around - I started realizing this will be my last time being fat in the city, having lunch, and had the best cupcakes at the Marina district....Kara's cupcakes....so as much as it was a silly thing to say...I was so excited that I only have one week till my surgery. And the next time I go to the city...which will be in a few months...I will be thinner and not huff and puff while walking.  This is so amazing.


got'a date, got'a date, got'a date, date, date

Nov 25, 2007

Oh heavens, my heart is racing so  bad...I am so exicted to finally have my surgery date....good bye fat, good bye the old me, good bye to not having the energy or the endurance to walk a 5k or hike Alston Park...good bye to not being able to wear cute sexy clothes and have the ability to walk into a clothes store and not look for 2x or above.  now i will be able to walk into any store and say...wow, i want that....and watch our H&M  I'm headed in your direction.  Oh yeah!!!
Surgery date is December 19th.  What a wonderful Christmas present.

About Me
American Canyon, CA, CA
Location
39.4
BMI
May 10, 2007
Member Since

Friends 8

Latest Blog 30
Who would have thunk!!!.....
ONE YEAR AGO......as the story goes....
How I've missed so much....
Is it possible the turtle is turning into the rabbit???
Turtle has found a faster pace!!
After the loss.....finding yourself.
One week ago....
Two weeks after surgery
Last "Fat" day in the city
got'a date, got'a date, got'a date, date, date

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