Unconventional_Beauty
I've been at war with my body ever since I was capable of conscious thought. As a child, I was very tall for my age (5' at 9 years old) and made to believe that I was too wrong, too fat, too big, too tall, too loud, too "much." Then I began to eat - my anger, my pain, my rage. I would sneak food into my bedroom where I would eat, and read, and cry and secretly rage at being invisible to my family. (Strange inner logic - who can ignore a grossly obese child???) This translated into years of extreme self-abuse and self-hatred through the numbing weapon of food. My highest weight tipped the scales at 312 lbs. In between binge eating, I tried every diet possible, from the safe Weight Watchers to the ridiculous "Calorad" which is basically cow collagen and aloe vera gel. HA! It gave me awful diarrhea to the tune of $100 a bottle. And with each failed diet, my self-hatred increased ten-fold.
After college, I moved overseas, found a job I loved, and a culture where I felt at home. Of course, it didn't hurt that I was 4000 air miles from my family. So much of what restricted me, wrapped me in shame, and stomped on my heart was gone!Soon, I dropped 30 lbs, without even trying. I just walked everywhere because every street corner in Europe was more beautiful than the last. Then I returned home and whooosh! All the old demons piled back into my life. Suddenly hiding on the couch with bags of Double-stuffed Oreos seemed the only way to cope. After a lifetime of morbid obesity, I'm putting down my weapons, trading in my shame and stepping out of the cycle that has wreaked havoc on my family. Genetic morbid obesity and unhealthy relationships with food stops HERE, with ME, NOW. I realized I needed help and so, I'm taking the steps necessary to finally be free from shame.
Now I am prayerfully taking it one step at a time and finally feeling hopeful about my future. I have a dream for my future again. Thanks be to Jesus for the wonderful counselor He has sent into my life. My sessions with my therapist have been by far the most life-changing steps I have taken thus far. So I feel solid that I am helping to heal the "head hunger" so many WLS patients discuss on this website. I know WLS will only be effective if I change the emotional and psychological factors that cause me to overeat. So I am working on these areas, too. It's been over a year in coming, with lots of tedious preparation, but the approval came through and my RNY took place on January 21, 2008. Happy ReBirthday To Me!
