v6urak
Fear Factor
Apr 26, 2008
I had investigated getting weight loss surgery a few years ago, but lost my nerve after the insurance declined me. For the past several weeks, I have been thinking about getting the Lap-Band surgery because my doctor sugested that I look into it. She says it is the least risky, least expensive, adjustable and reversible. All the things that appeal to me. So I once again have been investigating surgeons and have decided to make an appointment. I have gone as far as confiding my thoughts with some close co-workers. Psychologically, I guess these are big steps and I think it is starting to freak me out.
A part of me is excited about the prospect of loosing weight and getting rid of my sleep apnea and diabetes. I will look and feel better and should have much more energy. I know this to be true because when I eat right, I have tons more energy and feel great. My whole life will change for the positive. I will be able to live a longer, healthier, and happier life.
There is another part that is terrified of change. I know this because my personality is such that I do not do well with change. Change causes me great discomfort and anxiety. What I am afraid of is the brave new world I would be entering. I was thinking about it last night and the best analogy I could come up with was this: Imagine driving a Toyota Corolla that can only go 25 mph. At that speed, you have total control of the car and have no problems managing curves. It is not an exciting drive, but it gets you where you need to go. Now imagine a Ferrari with the soft leather seats, the awesome sound system and an engine that roars to 200 mph. Going 200 mph you feel like you have less control over the car. Sure, it is fun and exciting, but it is also nerve racking and stressful. Especially since I don't know how to drive a stick shift or a high performance sports car.
So I guess what I am afraid of is not knowing how to live emotionally after surgery. I use food and sex to numb my emotions. If I no longer have food, my emotions will be running 200 mph just like the Ferrari and I don't know how I will deal with that. What if I wrap the Ferrari around a tree?
All my anger will come out....will I hurt someone? All my loneliness will come out....will I act on it with a stranger? All my childhood pain and sadness will come out...will I hurt myself to stop the pain? If I look different (better), people may treat me differently....how will I react to that? Do I deserve to be this happy? and why? If I have more energy and what to be more active (instead of a couch potato), how will that impact my relationship? If I gain more self confidence, will my asserting myself, destroy my marriage?
These and probably many more are the fears I am dealing with right now. These are the things I don't want to think about.
