Vanessa_Renee
Hi, my name is Vanessa, My BMI is approximately 43. I weigh 271 lbs and stand about 5'7". My entire life I've always been the fat kid. I come from a fat family. Both of my parents, my aunt, and my cousin have had the Roux-en-Y surgery, and I have another cousin and an Aunt that have begun the process. For my family, anyone under 225 lbs is small. I have multiple relatives that weigh 500lbs+, and even more that weigh between 300-400lbs. I look around me, and of course, that's not what I want to be. I've tried SO many diets. When I was in the 3rd grade, I missed out on our trip to the Washington DC Zoo because I had to get tested for diabetes. I never thought about how sad that was back then. Thankfully, I am not diabetic. I was diagnosed about a year ago with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and that is directly linked to obesity and diabetes. So, every 2 months for the past year my doctor checks up on me to see if my insulin levels are out of whack, and if I have diabetes. At the age of 10 or 11 I joined a support group [which at the time, i thought would be the answer to my prayers] called TOPS [Take Off Pounds Sensilby]. I just knew that having to weigh in every week and having to tell people what I've eatten, and even writing down would be the answer to everything. I was bound to get thin before I was a teenager. Again, I hadn't thought about it at the time, but I was in a support group with women ranging between the ages of 25-50, and at least 1/3 of the women were family members. During that time I tried eatting right [which was incredibly hard..my dad weighed in at 425lbs, and my mom was about 250lbs, so our meals were always hefty]. I found myself feeling more and more hopeless at each weigh in. Our weight loss group seemed to be okay with a gain here and there..and I guess in a way, that hurt me. I started feeling like it was okay to gain a little bit of weight. And of course, those little gains here and there add up. Eventually, I gave up on the support group. I didnt want to go anymore, after all, it wasn't the miracle I had hoped for. I didn't stay determined like I thought I would, I just fell hopeless. High school gym was my worst nightmare. I always gave my all, and that never seemed like much to anyone else. I would run 1/4 of the 1/4 mile track, and feel like I was about to die. It always took me a minimum of 20 minutes to finish, I'm just glad I had friends that were right there beside me. My feet would hurt so bad after gym..and finally I had a friend tell me about the Atkins diet. She had done it, and lost about 100 lbs, quick. So she challenged me to the Atkins diet for 2 weeks, and if I didnt lose any weight, I could go back to eatting "normal". So, I did it. It was so easy at the time, my friend was depending on me, and I didnt want to let her down. And, I could eat as much as I wanted! I stuck to that diet for about 5 months, when I hit an all time low with cutting and suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with manic depression while staying in a behavorial health facility. In this facility they told me that the Atkins diet wasn't healthy and it would affect the way the chemicals in my brain acted, and could ultimately be the cause of why I hit rock bottom. I had lost 50 lbs at this point, and at least I had felt good about losing weight, and then I was told it wasn't good for me. The effect was like someone who has been encarcerated for 10 years... when they get out they wanna run wild and do things they couldn't do before. In turn, I went off the diet and ate like I had never eatten before. It was carbs & sugar galore. I fell in love with having sandwhiches and ice cream and mashed potatos again. I quit caring about my weight, it was just so much easier to say forget it and eat what I want. So within a year I had gained back the 50 lbs, plus 10. My best friend was also overweight, weighing about the same as me. We had both started trying different diets again. I did the slimfast diet, tried not eatting hardly anything, I once thought about becoming belimic, but I found it difficult to make myself throw up. My gynocologist wanted me to try the South Beach diet, but it was only about 2 weeks before I gave up on the diet. It was very similar to the Atkins diet, except you got to add in carbs after a week. I felt so hopeless. I tried the Atkins diet about 3 or 4 times in the past 4 months, and each time, I fail. I work at Arby's, and believe it or not, it's not too hard to turn down eatting bad. We have a lot of healthy choices, which is easy to go by at work, because I am the fat kid--the only fat kid--and I don't want my Arby's friends to think "wow, look at what shes eatting, she really needs to lay off the food." so I eat healthy, but then come home and eat "normal." So essentially, when I work I end up eatting an extra meal. I never feel full, so that's never an issue for me. I could eat until I'm blue in the face and not feel full. My best friend and I, about 2 months ago, took pictures of ourselves and made a collage and put all the mean things we've heard on there..thinking that each time we looked at it, we'd stop eatting. I carried mine around in my bra, everywhere I went. And when I got a craving for fast food or anything, I'd look at it. Eventually, i quit looking at it, because it made me feel horrible, and want to eat more.
My dad always tells me I'm fat. All the time.. yesterday he called me a blimp. I know he means well, he wants to help me..but he of all people should know that doesn't work. Because my Dad used to be fat.. [425lbs] he struggled all his life, so of all people I would think he would understand what its like to be fat and know how to lose weight, but not have the ability to do it. It just makes me wanna snuggle up on the couch, with 10 candy bars, and watch TV.
My mom had the surgery..and it's always felt like a competition between me & her to be smaller. Just little things she says here and there make me feel horrible.
My knees hurt all the time.. i can't really straighten them out with gettin an intense pain on the underside of them. Especially when I work an 8 hr shift. Eight hours is a NORMAL shift..but I feel like the lower half of my body will die at the end of it. My feet ache and my knees KILL me for days.
This is getting incredibly long. Thanks for reading this, whoever you are
