vickijeff

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Its been almost 2 years since my last post and I have no good news to report... I have struggled with my band on a daily basis , I have restriction yet I binge and purge at every meal , I drink sugary drinks , ice cream( cuz it goes through well and tastes grreat ) I have lost some weight and gained some weight at christmas this year I weighed 310 lbs , right now I stand at 299 lbs and in october of 2008 I was at 276 lbs which has been been my lowest weight to date... I  feel like I'm losing control , I have wanted nothing more in my life then to be small and feel normal yet I feel like I lack the desire to get there  and I cant understand why ... I know its hard work and requires persistence but I just seem to get lost so easily and I feel like I'm constantly starting over and gaining NO ground !! I'm frustrated !!! I have no job right now and I still want to get pregant and the Docs keep telling me you have to lose weight .... I feel pressure to lose weight to get a job because I feel self conscious and feel like the skinny girl will undoubtedly get the job over the fat girl !!and I want a family more then anything yet once again the weight is in my way ....for as long as I can remember weight has been in my way it seems like every aspiration I've had has been dashed by this... I'm soo sick of being a victim to this and I want to gain control... Today I've decided to begin ..not begin again... I  hopefully will keep this blog updated and stay true to myself...

Well here I am 32 lbs lighter but still woring hard to see small results . I've regained most of my control back when it comes to cravings and food choices . y exercise regime seems to be working well but I am so impatient with the SLOW weightloss ... I definitely feel better about myself  and notice my clothes are fitting much better . My next short term goal is to lose another 50 lbs by january 1st , i really need to do this to feel comfortable enough to go back to college , I want a career change I want to be productive and enjoy the work that I do , and I'm hoping this is the new start I need ... Things are looking up I'm in control and it feels great !!!

It has been several months since I've written ,probably because I am ashamed of how I've regressed  back into old eating  habits and dont really feel like sharing !  As of april 1st I have started over ... I have rediscovered my passion to lose this weight ... I dont want to be fat anymore , I'm tired of feeling like a hideaous looking fat person with no self  esteem .. I dont want to feel self conscious about my weight , I Just want to FIT IN   I dont want to eat until I feel sick  and I dont want to crave food to the point where it almost drives me crazy ... 
Short Term Goals 
25 lb loss by june 30
size 20 pants comfortable 
walking 1 hr at least 3 times a week 
Drinking 64 oz water daily
ZERO carbonated soda
See my physicianfor band checkup



Long Term Goals
Feel good about how I look
feel equal 
Have the courage to go to school in January 
Change my career
Continue to be in control
take care of my family 
Learn to like the person I am

Well Christmas is fast approaching, and normally I would be elated about the holidays , but it is almost impossible for me to control my appetite this time of year .... i am so mad at myself  I hate Chocolate it is the devil !!! I dont understand why I cannot control my eating .... it boggles my mind , its like I'm completely focused or I'm totally off track ...theres no middle ground for me and it pisses me off ... I finally got my lazy but on the treadmill today not before I ate a quart of ice cream and a huge piece of angel food cake though !! grrrrrr  Anyway  it seems  to be a routine with me I'm doing good , I post , i 'm doing shitty , I post .... Well as long as I keep posting I can keep track of my progress.... whether it be good or bad...

well not much to report, I have spent the last 2 weeks re evaluating and tweeking my bad habits ... Ive been walking 30 mins daily  and doing sore core strengthening  with weights  and I've seen a 7 lb loss , which is great . I didnt however reach my year goal of 100lbs  I'm currently weighing in at 278  which leaves me 11lbs  short , but its not the end of the world , I have lots of time to get this weight off considering it took me 30 yrs to gather it all in the first place .... so far this journey has been  a mixture of great and infuriating , a real roller coaster of emotions , there so much more to it then just taking off the pounds .... the mind is a strange  and wacky thing at times .... But alas I continue on this ride  I call my life .

Well it has been a long time since I last updated .... where to start ... my weightloss over the past 3 months has been Slow to say the least .. I have lost and gained ... currently I am attempting to get off the 6 pounds I gained  to put  me back to where I was.3 months ago !!  I am a little disappointed to say the least  but I am now finished pittying myself and its times to get back on track ... I went for a small fill Aug 14th , I got way too much  I had 2 ccs added  which put me at 11 ccs in my 10 cc band  I was able to swallow immediately after  but  by  hour 2 I was completely blocked , I couldnt swallow my own saliva .... OMG  talk about  stressful ,I've never felt so uncomfortable !! then I had to make a trip to the ER  and of course nobody knew what to do ..I was so upset  and pissed off ... I then returned to the ER again the next morning after a night of unbelievable reflux, and after 5 hrs of waiting I had my defill .... 1 cc removed  and instant relief ...  I was soooo happy to be able to get something down ... so  all is good in my world again, All I need now is  some motivation to get active again.. but I know that will happen !! I have a cruise coming up in March of 2008  and I want to lose another 80 lbs at least .... So here I go again !!! 

well its been almost 2 weeks since my last fill and I'm once again struggling with restriction, the fist week or so i thought i had pretty good restriction but now here i am again with very little resistance ... I'm very frustrated and when I get this way it really seems to influence my food choices , grrrrrr, last night i thought about every excuse to eat everything in sight , I did limit it to some extent but i still ate way too much , grazing continually all evening ... Im also having a hell of a time exercising , I have walked for 3 days straight but it takes every bit of energy to get my ass on the treadmill and just do it ! God I feel so lazy !!....This is not a good day for me !!

Well i went for my 4th fill today  and  I have to say it was painful ! I almost had to speak up and tell the Doc it was getting way to uncomfortable , but thankfully it didnt last long and I was able to tolerate it ... I now have 9cc in my 10 cc band ... I know everyone seems to think I've been getting fills to frequently  but I've had absoloutely no restriction and finally I'm feeling something ... yipeeeee. I also have a really bad chest infection and havent been feeling great but I cant eat , and I'm happy about that , now I need to make good choices, i'm limited to what i can get down so  I have to get the best bang for my buck so to speak !!anyway I'm ready to start losing again , its been 2 months with no movement !

Well I went for my 3rd fill today , got another 2 cc's in my 10 cc band for a total of 7cc... I think I may be feeling a little something , I've only taken fluids so far but I havent been overly hungry , Had a yogurt drink which I sipped slowly and I had some pureed pear and thats it (water of course) the radiologist showed me how my band is restricting my stomach and I even got a chance to see the fluro as I was swallowing a little barium, the fluid no longer rushes through my stomach  but now looks more like a faucet only turned on a little bit  with a little more then a trickle going through, its neat to actually see the band in action ...I weighed today too I'm down 3.4 lbs  yeaaaaahhhh... its been a very slow month not much movement in the scales but hopefully I've busted this plateau .... I'll keep posting  cuz I'm sure one day when I'm a skinny minnie  I'll want to see how it all unfolded and also remind me of the strugggles I faced to get here .....

well today I had my second fill of 2 ccs  for a total of 5 ccs in my 10 cc band. I had mostly liquids all day  and by supper time I was plenty hungry .. I did have a green salad with some grated cheeseand sour cream ... I know it probably wasnt the best choice but for some reason I was craving salad... I had no problems with getting my salad to go down so I guess everythings ok .. I have had no restriction  as of yet ... I did have one episode of pbing  and I did vomit a small amount of food ... this event was totally my own fault ... I was eating chicken, way to much way to fast and then bam  it got stuck ..I thought I was gonna die , felt like I was choking  and then all this thick saliva starting coming up into my mouth , after jumping up and down and attempting to burp  I finally had no choice but to go to the washroom and entice it to come back up ... Blaaahhhh
Hopefully I have learned  though I am very stubborn .. I hope I have some restriction this time ... If not I'll be goin back for another fill within a couple of weeks ....