Today's post took courage & I don't want to forget that!

Jul 16, 2010

I don't ever want to forget the courage it took for me to post today and the wonderful support and encouragement I received from my beautiful OH family.  Today I am sober because I reached out and shared my pain. Very scary, but oh so necessary! I am as sick as my secrets and I am so glad my Higher Power gave me the courage and strength to push the submit button for me.  I'm still scared. Love you all!

VickyO
Riverside, CA
VSG (08/03/09) Member Since: 03/27/09 Post Date: 7/16/10 8:42 am

It's not the end.  It's the real beginning. (Thank you SUSAN L.)  I read this phrase this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  I hit my personal goal on 7/4 and have been on a roller coaster ride ever since.  I even went below my goal and was ecstatic at 177, but today I'm 182.  In my blog I said it was time to work on "me" now, but I've been doing crazy things.  "Alcohol" takes me where I want to go.  I don't want to feel the feelings right now.  I'm having a hard time dealing with my new body.  I feel numb.  I want to cry. I want to drink to numb the feelings.  I don't know if I can or want to let go of the alcohol and that scares the shit out of me.  Talk about transferring additions.  I don't feel safe. I'm afraid to let you know how I'm feeling.  I don't want to disappoint you.  I want to just hide out and come back when all is peachy again.  That's how I deal with shit.  Pray for it to "just pass" and get through it.  I'm getting so tired of hiding out.  I had my gall bladder removed 2 weeks ago, been off work since, going back on Monday. It feels like too much time on my hands.  I haven't been able to exercise, except for some swimming/walking.  I just know that I'm in a danger zone right now and not sure if I can get out.  I'm so afraid to hit the submit button, God forbid anyone sees I'm not perfect, but I need help! So, here goes....
                                         

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