1 year down... wow.

Mar 18, 2009

It's so amazing to think a year has gone by... and ONLY a year? I swear it feels like 3. With all the clothing changes and increased job responsibilites and change in my relationship at home... it feels much longer - not just 12 months. OK, here are simply honest, candid and unedited thoughts on my progress....

How I feel: 
I feel like I'm the same me.. just thinner... but just as happy and healthy. I snore less, but aside from that, I think since I was active and exercising before surgery, I never really felt slotheny or super out of shape - even though I clearly was. The attention from others has been nice, and surprising as well. I'm just not used to it I guess.

Home:
It's nice having my 4 year old not think of me as fat, or laugh at my big butt (yes, kids are brutally honest like that). My husband is excited to buy me clothes and not wonder if it will fit. It's still a bit odd to go into any store, and find that most of the clothes on the rack are not too big. I even "unsubscribed" to Lane Bryant spam today, realizing I can no longer fit into their smallest sizes now. It's all an odd feeling. I don't recognize myself sometimes in the mirror... And speaking of such, I can't wait for some of this loose skin to go away, even just a little. I realize it won't completely go away, but I've seen some sinch back up! :)  Definately don't have a swimsuit ready body yet - but at least now I can consider wearing one without complete embarrassment! I haven't worn shorts in years, and this summer, I think I have my knees back enough to where I might be able to wear some again..

Work:
If anyone ever says looks don't matter, it's about the skill.. they are wrong. Before surgery, I had my MBA, I understood my company and what we did (I've been there nearly 12 years now) and I'm working with the same folks today as I was a year, two years, three years ago. Last year, I was miserable with the lack of respect and essentially crap work that was dumped on me. Today, I'm shocked that when I open my mouth, I have the attention of the room and what I say is heard loud and clear. I have clearly moved up, have much more responsibility that is definately meaningful and people treat me so much differently. It's a bit sombering to see the change. You could say that maybe I just wasn't as bubbly a year ago.. but seriously, I was. I still decorated my cube, made the same jokes, asked the same questions and had the same personality - just in a body with 90 more pounds on my frame.

General:
By strangers, I've been approached and asked out, or get that extra glance or smile. People will ask their friends, "who is that, is she new around?" Friends who haven't seen me even for 6 weeks see a difference. My grandmother who worried about me before suddenly thinks I'm too thin now (haha!).

Time:
So much change truly feels like years, not months. After years of not loosing anything for a long time, then dropping steadily like I was part of the Biggest Looser on TV, and all of the above mentioned changes - time doesn't go by the same.

Eating:
It's nice eating whatever - just about. I still cannot eat a whole anything. About 1/3 of a lean burger, or 1 small soft taco, and feel incredibly stuffed. Tonight, I cooked up a lean, turkey breast filet (one of those flat slices) and an egg, and it took me an hour to eat. I am happy with leftovers, or meals that take all afternoon to eat. I cannot manage anything that's heavy in fat without really feeling it on my tummy. I cannot handle certain veggies and fruits still. High protein foods make me feel so good. Smooth foods, like yogurts, feel nice and go down easily. I can finally eat cereal, carefully and slowly. Mixing liquids and solid foods otherwise really doesn't go well for me. After two bites, I would otherwise feel sickly full. I'm excited that I made it a year, and never actually puked from overeating (there was just that one time I had the stomach flu - 2 weeks after surgery... that didn't count). I clearly can't drink anything carbonated even if I wanted. Wow, the noises my tummy makes. I still burp - a lot - since the surgery. Overall, I think I'm a gasier person since the surgery. :)  I still can't stand artificial sweeteners for the most part. Crystal Light is about it. Anything else diet or artifically sweetened tastes horrible. I go through some days where eating more than a couple of bites at a time is all I can handle - while other days, I can almost finish a small-sized meal - but that's rare. The more pure a food item, the more I can eat of it. If I attempt to eat a fried item, it feels like a brick in my tummy. I'm happy that a year later, I'm not eating what others may feel is a normal amount. I hope to keep it that way. I don't get hunger headaches, but if I neglect eating regularly, I may feel light-headed or slightly dizzy.

Workouts:
I still enjoy my workouts. I need to incorporate more weights I believe. Aside from being sick (I was sick the past 5 weeks - crazy cough wouldn't leave!!), my goal is 5 days a week for 40-60 minutes a day. On weekends, I try to take walks with my family. I found for a while, that when I worked out, I would gain and when I didn't, I'd drop. So that was confusing... and then I realized - on my workout days, I need to consume more calories, where before I didn't need to. But my body has adapted and now I need to compensate and increase calories so I don't go negative by working out. Then eat fewer calories on days I don't workout.

Moving Forward:
Well, I still have some to go. Another 30 lbs, give or take. It's really slowed down by a lot. I'm worried it'll take me 2 years to drop the last 30. I wonder if I'll really need surgery to remove excess skin. I wonder if I'll beome OK with how my boobs look and feel now. I wonder if the loose skin on my tummy will ever allow me to wear a bikini, or if I'll always be covered up. I want to keep up my workouts, increase strength training and body toning routines. I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle that I can also teach my son.

Those are most of my thoughts for now. I am so happy I went through with the surgery. Even though my insurance refused to cover it, and as much as I thought I failed myself because I needed to even consider surgery... I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I'm a healthier me.

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