Well, I have always been heavy.  As a child I was the cute chubby one with cheeks so big you could just eat them.  I have always had a decent relationship with food (no binge, junk-food, or emotional eating).  I have always loved good, rich, and fattening foods. 

As I entered into my teen-aged years being thick or big boned was ok with me.  My mother would talk to me about losing weight, so I could get a boyfriend (boy, did she miss the point).  I would respond, if he loves me big he'll love me even more smaller.

I've paid my dues in my quest to be thinner: dexatrim, slim-fast, weight watchers, lean cuisine, curves, and jenny craig.  I like everyone else would lose the weight but, always put it back on and then some (about 20lbs), to boot.  I have never been one to work out.  I did get to walk quite a bit when I lived in NY (walk-a-thons, long walks in the park, walking across the B'klyn bridge, etc).  Once I moved to the south and bought a car, it was a thing of the past.

I did start emotional eating as my marriage disintergrated.  My idea of my life did not include all the things that led up to my marriage ending.  I worried and I ate.  I pretended all was well, it didn't matter, you know the usual.  My mom was worried she wanted me to move back home, couldn't do it.  She thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, it was crazy.  Needless to say, I didn't lose my mind but, I did lose some of my hair.  I left my husband after my father died and I figured life was too short. Too short to love someone and not be with them, or them not love you, or simply to be "in misery" , instead of being "in love" . Why deny myself of one of God's greatest gifts.  I deserved to be loved in a non-dysfunctional manner because I'm worth it.  I came to this revelation during my drive home from my father's funeral.  I moved in with my aunt and uncle for six months while I got on my feet.  Well, did I mention my aunt was a baker (hello, 40 lbs). 

Then one day I realized, it wasn't my fault.  None of it was my fault my husband not loving me enough to be with me alone, my marriage ending, my life just not progressing like I had imagined.  So, I decided I'm young, smart, cute, and lovable and it was time to take the next step.  I started going to school, and dating.  I worked 2 jobs, went to school part-time initially, quit my part-time job and eventually earned my associates degree and applied to nursing school (a life long dream of mine).  During this time I probably gained another 30 lbs.  I spent many hours studying and eating.  At times I found it difficult to walk the halls during clinicals, but I pressed on.  Thats about the time I started jenny craig, lost about 60 lbs.  I wasn't working and it was hard to continue to buy the food, so over the next 18 months I put the weight back on.

Which brings me to the present time.  I graduated from nursing school, moved to a new town, started working, life was good.  I felt so good about what I had accomplished and what was on the horizon for me.  I met a woman at work who was going to have by-pass surgery, my room-mate and I looked into it and both of us decided naw, not us.  Time passed and I was diagnosed with diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, managed with meds, no insulin.  I joined curves, lost about 15-20 lbs.  I then started feeling bad, looking at myself in the mirror and liking what I saw, and began considering bypass surgery for me.  My old room-mate decided we should go thru the process together the buddy system.  I then found out my BMI was too high for the surgeons my insurance would pay for.  I sought the help of a bariatric doctor to help me lose the weight to have the surgery.  Things were going well then in Jan '07, I started feeling poorly,  spent about 2 months trying to figure out what it was.  Gall bladder issues.  I had to have surgery well, I made a mad dash to find some to do it all.  Everyone said no, I wasn't far enough in the bypass process to have it done.  Needless to say I was upset,  I had to be cut twice.  It was removed in March, now that I have recovered I started working with my bariatric doctor, Dr Cleek and decided I was going out of network for the surgery.  I mentioned it to my baby brother (who has always wanted me to be healthy), he said he would help me with 1/2 the expenses (sweet kid, right?).  I then made an appt with Dr Bauman, and I am on my way.  I have had my labwork, mammogram, and seen Dr Bauman.  I now need to see the nutritionist, psych eval, and gyn.  I must say, I'm beginning to get excited.   

Side note: while I was going thru this my old room-mate had lap band surgery and a nursing school buddy had by-pass surgery in Jan and Feb respectively and lost 30-60 lbs.  I am so happy for them both and have learned so much from their experiences but, I'm also envious, wishing I was further along in my journey.  Realizing it was their time and my time is swiftly approaching.  I have always tried to encourage and empower them.  As big women they needed to feel comfortable, love, embrace who and what they were, and walk with their heads held high.  Back to my philosophy of loving me big and even more smaller.  Once they as well as I no longer felt comfortable with me, I (we) made a change.  Not to mention I'm tired of taking insulin shots, testing myself several times a day, and constantly popping pills.

Oh, by the way I became reaccquainted with someone I dated some time ago (12+ yrs), he has accepted me the way I am.  He has never made me feel bad about my size and has actually aided in building my self-esteem (like I needed much of that, we could all use a boost from time to time).  He doesn't know about my surgery plans yet (did I mention this is a long distance relationship), I want to see his face when I tell him and I didn't know how long it was going to last.

Well folks that is my story to this point.  Stay tuned for the next installment in my saga called life.

About Me
Clover, SC
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Aug 25, 2006
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