Kaitlin N.
The Camel
Jun 17, 2009
*I posted this on the LW Board, but thought I'd copy/paste it here so I have it as a reminder.*
There’s an old saying that says something along the lines of, “If you let the camel put his nose in your tent, pretty soon he’s sleeping in your bed.” Well, the camel came and joined me in London, and once again I’ve had to kick his sorry butt out onto the street. But before that, I made the critical mistake of letting him inch his way into my room yet again.
I’m three months out from my RNY surgery today, and I had settled into an easy routine at home. I live alone in a one-bedroom apartment, and everything in my kitchen is “safe.” I even do fine eating out. I plan before I go and split with someone or take home leftovers. However, two weeks ago I flew across the Atlantic. I left behind my kitchen and the coping mechanisms I’d developed back home. I landed in a new city with new grocery stores and restaurants and an entirely different method of noting nutritional data. (They make you do math. Gah!) I was also thrown in with a bunch of other college students, none of whom know about my surgery.
When I got here, I was pleased to notice that I don’t stick out like I used to. I’m not the biggest person here; I’m not the biggest girl here. Sure, I’m still bigger than a lot of my friends, but I’m now overweight, not morbidly obese. It gave me a false sense of confidence, a feeling that I was like everyone else. And, despite rationally knowing differently, I had to learn that lesson again the hard way.
I did well my first couple of days, and then the camel showed up. At first it was just a little thing here or there. A bite of chocolate croissant at breakfast, a ¼ cup of ice cream after an otherwise healthy dinner. But, as most of you know, the camel isn’t happy with just his nose in the tent, and my decisions devolved from there.
Luckily, it didn’t take me that long for me to notice my slip and to get things back on track. All told, I spent a week making less-than-stellar decisions which made me feel physically awful. In the two days that I’ve been back on track, I feel so much better. I know this is a continual learning process and the chances are that I will screw up again in the future. For me, it’s all about getting in a routine that works and planning ahead of time. When left to my own devices, I am too impulsive; I go for instant gratification.
For now, it’s back to basics. I skip the cafeteria in the morning and grab a latte instead. I cannot trust myself to walk past the pastries, and the only protein option in the mornings (eggs to order), are cooked in a half inch of oil. Not worth it for me! For lunch, I know I’ll be more successful if I eat a container of Greek yogurt with fruit in my room than if I go out to lunch. And at dinner, I just have to say no to the ice cream cooler. It’s just not worth it. Even though I know that, I have to tell myself every night and consciously make the decision before I walk into the cafeteria. My rational brain just turns off when faced with food. Also, if I try to eat just three meals a day like my friends, I will overeat at those three meals. I will push myself past the point of satiety because I feel pressured to “make it worth it,” even though I know better. Apparently, it’s all a mind game with me, and it always will be. At least I’m aware of this now and know what to look for in the future. It is quite the learning curve.
