Food Addiction and It's Grip On Me

Jan 17, 2010

Okay, so here I am...up too late again. Today (well yesterday/Sunday) my focus on my relationship with food was to try to work at making my stomach, as it is now, smaller. This is really embarassing, but I'm going to put it here in case it can be of help to someone else.

Two nights ago I was sitting here, at my desk, late at night, frustrated and confused, with a bowl of snack food that I'd originally poured for my two kids and one of their friends. It was a snack mix of pretzels, cheetos, corn chips, and dorito-like chips. I never even bought a barrel (yes barrel) of snacks like this before. Anyway...

The original intent was to take the bowl from the living room and pour them back into the barrel or the trash...but I stopped at my desk....and here's what I did...this was alarming to me...but here it is in all it's disgusting ugliness:

As I sat here, online, I was eating the contents of that bowl as if there was not going to be a tomorrow. I'd be reading and ask dot com-ing, and all that that entails and I noticed I was so full that I was unfomfortable, right? Well guess what I also noticed about my fine self? I still kept eating! Yeah!! I'd literally be eating those chips until I had to stop, sit up taller, and breathe in deeply, and yet I'd still eat some more. (Talk about self destructive behavior!)

It really disgusted me and surprised me that I would eat crap to the point I was so full I had to breathe in and sit up to try to (I guess) make room for my expanding (internal organ) stomach...and yet still shovel some more in...even as I was taking note of my stupid, disturbing behavior.

Well, needless to say...the next day I took it a little easier on my body and when I was out shopping I was really stuck in the baby food section. Staring at the tiny jars, thinking about WLS, smaller (tiny) portions, etc, and I bought myself three stage 1 fruits. Not entirely for the food, but to have the three (adorable) little jars. (Silly...yes, I am, I know.)

So...this morning (well actually today is now Monday, so YESTERDAY morning) I had stage 1 apples for breakfast with this little spoon I have. I tried not to even scoop it, but rather dip the spoon into it and then eat what was on that spoon. I worked at eating slowly, and just wanting to see what I physically felt like after consuming 2.5 oz of pureé. For my coffee, I used this little tiny coffee mug and saucer a dear friend of mine sent from Germany. It can't hold more than 3.5 oz...and I just sipped coffee. I had a total of three cups of coffee in that little mug throughout the morning. And I really noticed if you have tinier portions, I could sip and savor it just fine. Of course I was making the effort. Most day's I'd down that coffee as if it were a shot!

So...anyway...I'm just writing to get it out. To have reference to it for the future, and maybe, it may help someone else. Who knows. I'm just really amazed at how I'd still eat knowing I was uncomfortably full. I mean, I know I've done this over the course of my life, but usually, since I know I can eat something whenever I want, I don't really usually stuff myself to a very uncomfortable state.

Oh, okay and let me share this, too! haha...at lunchtime I made totino's pizza's for the kids with the intent, yeah keep reading, this is a doozy, to pureé some crap pizza and see what it was like. The kids turned their noses up at the pizza so what did I do? Miss nutrition over here? I cut up and put an entire small pizza into the blender and added hot water to it and puree'd that sucker up. No kidding! It tasted kind of good even though it looked like sheer vomit.

I ate a baby food jar full of it. Oh yes I did, not to mention that I also ate a slice of it while I was blending it up. 

Yes, I know we shouldn't eat junk food in pureé form. I do. I really do. I just wanted to see what a small pureéd portion would look, taste, and feel like. Never ate anymore of it throughout the day.

For dinner, I made seasoned pork chops, mac n cheese, and asparagus. I used a small plate, small fork and small glass. (As if small untencils will make me tiny) And I did well. My kids were even like "you need to eat more." Oh yeah, I did have seconds...but still...even with that, it was less than I would have eaten, so I felt good that I did a little positive on the eating less today "thing" I am trying to do.

But here is something that steams me about myself...it's the middle of the night. Here I am. Up. And it's a problem because that's when I can add the calories of a meal or two into my life where it should not go.

I was in bed two hours ago. I was awake and feeling hungry. I sipped water. I refused to get up. Until I thought about the fact I had some protein powder in the pantry that I never openned. So up I got. Had a really good tasting 6 oz vanilla protein shake as I sat down to check out the website....hmm hmmm hmmmm.....but did I stop there?

Huh uh. Nope. You guessed it. ARGH!!!!  I tried to be good at first. Grabbed a small handful of nuts. (Dr Oz would've been proud, I thought.)

Then my cat annoyed me by pushing over something, so I picked it up, and headed for the fridge!! I then got a piece of cold pork chop, put ketchup on it, and ate that, too.

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!??!?! 

So now I'm annoyed with myself, up too late, wishing I'd have stayed in bed sipping water, and may have been asleep by now if I'd have stayed! UGH...

at least I have this extremely embarassing, candid blog about my addiction to food and my lack of control over my eating.

Okay...I need to go to bed...don't even want to, but need to...(if you've read all this...please pray for me.)

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A smalltown in, OH
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