WannaBFit71
Thursday 1/21/10
Jan 21, 2010
Welpsies...today has been a wonderful day! I am on *Day 5* of working at getting myself used to smaller portions. The past couple of days I've been doing better at sipping Crystal Light (well the generic equivalent, but you know...) and also focusing on protein first. I know I am losing weight because my clothes are fitting looser. My pants can be pulled up much higher. My underwear is larger, my bras not as tight, and this morning a shirt I usually stretch both ways (side to side AND lengthwise) before leaving the house, went on without any need to stretch and the tummerhangin's weren't below the hemline! Odd, but I do like days like this! LOLI got my Dr. to send me for a stress test. I figure since I'm 38, at least 355 lbs (still don't know for sure) have had extreme emotional trauma in my childhood and 20's, am an ex-smoker (and ex-toker), am extremely inactive for the most part, that mayyyyyybe it's a good idea to see what my ticker looks like, sayyyyy, beFORE the AUTOPSY! (Yeah, I watch Dr.G Medical Examiner...gets ya thinkin'!)
It is a wierd feeling that, even though I have no idea if I'm going to get bad news or not, that there I was, lying in a medical machine that was checking out my heart feeling HAPPY, or at least RELIEVED, that someone was taking me seriously enough to have me go for tests to see where I'm at. I find it odd that with all of my risk factors for heart disease, heart attack, and stroke, that no doctors have really taken my fears/concerns very far.
Next Thursday I go for the second test...it's where they look at my heart under stress. Today's was at rest just following a high fat meal. Oh, and yes, you read that right! Ha...they had me fast, and I did. Then I go in (thinking I wont be eating until after noon) and they inject me with some radioactive solution and send me down to the cafeteria with the instructions to eat a high fat (caffeine free) meal! (WHAT?!) haha...so..as much as I kind of wanted to go gung ho, I have been eating small portions for days so I had 1 egg overeasy, 2 slices of bacon (with approx 2T ketchup) and a slice of cinnamon raisin toast with butter AND a half pint carton of Vitamin D (yeah D!!!) milk...you know what? It was PLENTY! I mean I really could have eaten twice that, but I know I'd have felt FULL.
I'm also finding I am unsure if I feel full after eating a reasonable portion. After breakfast, I felt fine. Not overstuffed, and not hungry. But that feeling is hard for me to describe or even identify. I don't know how to explain it. I couldn't tell if I was full or what that feeling is. I think a normal weight/non food addict has a different "feeling" of full than someone like me has.
Without realizing it, I can eat until I'm stuffed. That is and has been the norm for me for quite some time. I didn't really know it, though. Yesterday at work I ate something (a jar of fuji apples) and I really found that my actual MOUTH felt like it was eating differently. I was savoring it naturally. It was almost a more sensual way of eating, and it was happening without me trying...this is gonna sound totally, completely STUPID, but I noticed that I was eating more like how I think pretty women eat. (I saw a video of myself eating that my son took at a restaurant while messing around with my cell phone, and it was horrendous. I wasn't pigging out or anything, but I was stunned at how I looked, at how my face looked, eating. It bugged me how I looked, well, when I was eating those apples yesteray, my mouth really felt and ATE differently.) I guess that's part of the savoring part of it? It was the first solid food I had eaten all day, and it was healthy and delicious! :)
Okay moving on...(I know I write a lot and sometimes it's ridiculous stuff, but...this IS my journal, so...)
Another thing I want to say that has changed during these five days, is portions. This was really sucky the first 3 days...and I know I haven't mastered it or anything, but it does feel good to make a game plan if you're gonna be around a lot of food. Last night I had a kids' birthday party to go to after work and I literally made a game plan so I wouldn't blow all my efforts. I mean I really DO want to shrink my stomach quite a bit. If I'm gonna have to do liquid diet for 2 weeks before surgery, and then two weeks after...I don't want to suffer total deprivation, you know? So I planned to make sure I stay aware of my portion sizes, to drink ice water, and see how it goes...
...they had chili, hot dogs, cornbread casserole, tons of chips and cookies out, plus cake and ice cream, right? (I had no idea what was on the menu!) So I went with approx 3/4-1c of chili with some cheddar cheese & onions on it and a hot dog on a plate with a "line" of ketchup with onions and cheese on that. I wanted a taste of the cornbread caserole and that's just what I had...one spoon-taste! Not even a big spoonful or big bite! Just a taste!!
The spoon went right to the sink after, too, so no chance of a second bite! No hot dog bun :) No pop :) No Crackers or Sour Cream in the Chili :) No Cookies :) No Cake :) No Ice Cream :) and No Chips!! :) The thing is that I was there for about 4 hours. I stayed on my feet the whole time...no sitting...an hour later I did have a second serving of what I had the first time...eaten slowly...then as the night went on, the corn chips were calling my name!! I did have some corn chips and some chex out of a bag of Chex Mix...and I did take ONE small sour cream and onion potato chip, took a nibble...HATED the taste, & threw the chip away! All in all I'd say I had a good sized handful of cornchips/chex over the course of 2 hours standing and chattin' and laughing my butt off! It really felt good to be in control of my eating for a change!! (I hope and PRAY it lasts) I never have been able to do it for more than 8 months. That's the longest until I reverted back to my old ways. God help me, please. 
Oh, and when after I left the hospital, I thought about stopping for a burger. (It's weird that that pops into my mind often.) After work yesterday I was gonna grab some nuggets to hold me over til the party...but I wasn't physically hungry so I told myself "you can wait for dinner at the party, Julie." No suffering involved. (Thank GOD) Then after the party, I thought I should grab a burger because it had been hours since I'd eaten a meal and had to fast after midnight (what the HECK?!) I thought, "no, if I'm hungry we have Totino's pizza in the freezer, or Tyson Chicken Nuggets to make at home." So knowing I'd be tempted with fattening food choices I took the kids to Subway (as they said THEY were hungry) and we all split a sub. Usually I'd eat a 12 inch on my own. I felt great that I chose a better choice and split it up EVEN THOUGH none of us really NEEDED food at 10pm. So, back to today...for lunch I hit the grocery store, bought bananas, tuna, whole wheat bread, and carrots...came home, had about 8-10 baby carrots with 3 tsp of ranch, half a sliced banana, and half toasted tuna sandwich, without a drink! And it was EFFORTLESS and it was ENOUGH!! So, for today, all is super good! Not perfect, but freakin' good!! I hope I can make wiser choices the next time I'm stressed out because that's a huge trigger for me.
I guess I'll end this BOOK for now! :) I'm holding good thoughts for all of the other people struggling with their weight, health, eating habits, and learning to prepare for, and/or live with WLS.
Julz
