WannaBFit71
Sunday 7/11/10...well actually it's officially Monday, but...
Jul 11, 2010
I'm not sure why I haven't been on here to journal in so many months but here I am! A lot has been happening. I've been continuing on my journey towards having RNY. I have met with the Psychologist once in person, and one discussion on the telephone. I've gone to the Get Set group, which lasted about 5 weeks and I really enjoyed the meetings and meeting the people in the group. It was very beneficial. I have met with my Nutritionist twice, and just this past Friday I met Dr. Cetin. He is wonderful. So is my Nutritionist, and the woman who led our group, I think she is a psychologist but I forget her exact title right now. All of them are at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. They are wonderful. I am going to have Dr. Chand perform my surgery. I was going to go with Dr. Schauer, but I have met Dr. Chand in the past and heard only, only, ONLY good things about him, plus I liked him VERY much after meeting him a few years ago.I've lost about 9 lbs since April. I had to wait almost three months to finally start seeing the Psychologist after I went to the group. That was a bit frustrating. Being a person who is trying to learn some discipline (since I'm so very undisciplined) is very hard. I do well for a bit and then fall down, get back up again, and fall again. I guess he most important thing is to never stop trying and never stop getting back up?!
I'm enjoying the "protein first" plan I'm trying to make a habit. Getting 60 grams of protein in before anything else. I'm doing well on that. I'm finding I don't want to eat as much or as often as the protein does keep me more satiated. I'm planning better. I take protein bars or something healthy with me when I go places so I don't feel so tempted by fast food. I am going to be working on stopping drinking with meals. I do okay at it, but need to get really good at that. No drinking a half hour before a meal, and only drinking something a half hour after, not before that time is getting easier, although I have to really be mindful of it or my old ways are still kind of habitual for me. I need to work more on walking every other day. I'd like to be a person who walks every single day. I pray that will come. I still want to hide away from people. It's not even that I don't like myself, I just don't like how a lot of people look at me when I do go out. That is something that I cannot wait to (hopefully) not have to experience very often.
I've been coming to terms with the fact I've been in denial about how difficult it is to do things at this weight. Right now I'm at 343 (even though I think I may have dropped a couple pounds...my scale is still screaming E at me when I weigh myself!) I am in denial that since I can go up and down stairs, and walk (!!!) that I'm not in as bad of condition as I really am.
Last time I scrubbed my shower I was a complete ball of sweat. My heart was pounding and I was floored at how much I was sweating and how I needed to take a break to cool off when all I was doing was scrubbing my shower. That's when it hit me that my house is not messy because I'm just a lazy slob, it's messy because I can't do things as easily and quickly as I used to. It honestly was like an epiphany. I put off doing things because it's hard to do them and it's uncomfortable to do them. I dislike sweating around other people, so I simply move as little as possible. Imagine that! I look forward, God willing, to being able to do more without becoming a sweaty mess or getting red in the face and needing to sit near a fan to cool off my inner temperature so I don't go and get a terrible headache.
I started doing my nails and toe nails and wearing some makeup more often. I still don't like to bother with it so much. I feel like it's never right. I have a bad complexion, with many blemishes. I feel if I wear makeup, it looks silly if I don't have a good hair style. Right now my hair is just straight and long. I just got some trimmed and it looks nice and healthy, but I think I'm going to go get it styled (even though I can't afford to spend the money) and with my hair looking more stylish, it will feel more "right" when I put on my makeup. Baby steps I guess.
I also have gotten myself a local counselor. I believe I may be the kind of person who experiences some emotional issues regarding not being able to actually eat when I want to if I am having stress. I mean, I am a food addict. I'm learning to try to replace the habit of eating for things like boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, lonliness (you name it really) and not turn to food. To go do something or go for a walk, or take a bath, or do my nails, or give myself a pedicure, etc....instead of not doing anything to take care of myself, hiding away with food in front of the tv.
I also got rid of my big screen tv and my entire living room suite. Yes, if I couldn't discipline myself from sitting down so darned much, I decided I'd remove the furniture my ass was stuck to!
Right now the only soft furniture in this house is our beds!! I have found my kids and I are watching a lot less tv....now to get rid of the Internet!!! Haha....well I'm not ready for that yet, but if I can't get some balance in my life, I just may someday!
So...here's where I'm at....things are looking good. I have to get an EKG because I discussed some concerns and fears of mine with Dr. Cetin and I welcome it. I am going to go for a sleep study to make sure I don't have sleep apnea. I'm okay with that, too! I still need to get my bloodwork taken, and meet with my Nutritionist one more time, and hopefully be cleared by her. (She is fabulous, a really great and supportive woman!) Also, I have to meet with the Psychologist one more time and hopefully be cleared (even though I'm not sure she will...she seems a little difficult to talk to....but I am following her directions as best as I can...so I'm hoping!) If she clears me, and Dr. Cetin clears me, and the Nutritionist clears me, I will be meeting with Dr. Chand and hopefully getting my surgery date. Dr. Cetin said it could be as soon as August or September if I keep doing well and get cleared. My next appts are July 27 and Aug 4th. I am looking forward to it very much. I'm looking forward to finally getting "there."
I know this will be hard. I know I will be in a lot of pain for some time. I know getting to know my "new" stomach will take time and wont always be easy. I expect to be frustrated and I expect to feel sad or even angry at times when I'm around a lot of food and can't really eat much of it. I hope to feel happy about it, too, at times. I sincerely would like to be at a social gathering and not be paranoid about everyone there looking at me with pity or disgust. I would like to be at a social gathering and have one glass of something last me a long time and not to feel overly tempted to eat and nibble and focus on food. Or really, not to wish I could make a plate of food and want to go off alone and eat it so nobody would see me eat (which I can never do anyway) and eat something while believing everyone is secretly thinking "she shouldn't be eating that." or "she so doesn't need that."
I don't believe that every single person I ever come in contact with does thing those things, but at my weight an size, the truth is, it's like people who are my friends and who like to have me around seem to have this air about them as if they are tolerating my problem. Like I'm lucky they will have me. I also think I may have some trouble when people who I believe have that mindset deep down might treat me better, or more accepted as I lose weight. I want people to treat me better, and I understand that our society is brainwashed against fat of any kind for the most part, so I understand it's not really their fault, but at the same time, while I hope to get accepted and complimented, I wonder if deep down I will feel like projectile vomitting on someone due to the difference in the way I may be treated based on my looks.
I look forward to my heart not having to work so hard, and I look forward to having less weight on my bones and joints and discs in my spine. I look forward to needing less food to feel satiated. I look forward to being able to (God willing and hopefully) move faster and more without sweating or getting hot and here it is..........being able to wear cuter clothes! Wait...not cuter....but CUTE clothes. Nothing I own is "cute."
I hope I will remember to exercise so I can tone up as I lose. Dr. Cetin said I should be able to (on average) lose 170 in 6 months. I hope and pray that everything goes as well as possible. I hope and pray that even though I am so very much a sinner that God will bless me and help me.
I have some issues with men. I have recently, though, gotten involved in two relationships. One was short lived and sexual. It was like, as soon as I started doing more with myself and going to that group, I started feeling better about myself. I did my nails and my toes and curled my hair and put it up some instead of just clipping it all back in a hair clip, and even put some makeup on....and I guess I carried myself a little differently because a man who practically detested me (and I him) when we met two years ago (but have over time gotten to become rather friendly) began making passes at me. Even though I know he isn't right for me, something woke up in me that has been dormant for a long time and I (morally I know I did the wrong thing) went for it. We had a couple of encounters where we both knew they were just that...and we still see and get along quite well...but I really enjoyed that. I wish I hadn't liked it so much because I am Christian and I believe it is wrong, but I did enjoy it. And I'm now in a relationship with a man I am very fond of. I think he is very, very sweet and when I met him I thought "hey I must not be dead...because I'd kiss him!" Well for the past couple of months we see each other, text and call....and....well these are new experiences for me. I got divorced ten, almost eleven years ago and have mostly been completely abstinent. Men are not nice to me. They simply don't see me as a woman. My current boyfriend knows I'm going to have surgery, but he is actually a guy who likes fat women. I've heard of them, but he's only really the second one I've ever met. He likes, and I mean LIKES fat rolls. It kind of makes me wonder how...and he likes me just how I am. That feels so good. At the same time, On a different note, I wonder if he will still want to be with me if I am thinner. I don't think I'm not going to have "rolls" but I don't know what I'm going to look like. I guess the truth is, it shouldn't matter. If he doesn't like me after, then it's just another guy who puts too much emphasis on looks rather than inner and it will be what it will be. I sure do like him,though and he does care about my health. It's not like he's against the surgery either. I am babbling.
I feel like women who are married and go through this have a man in their lives who has seen them before, during, and after. I am single. Truthfully, I don't want any other people to see me naked now or touch me now (accept for my Woobie!) but after I lose (hopefully and Lord willing) approximately 150-200 lbs, I am going to have a LOT of excess skin. I don't know if i will be able to get coverage for skin removal...so, how do you go about finding someone who will not be disgusted if you look one way with clothes on and then when they're off you look like a deflated balloon?
I am jumping ahead I'm sure....and I don't overly fret about this. My hope, however, is to live through surgery, and do well so even to have to deal with it is much better than dying too soon. I so hope I am not going to die in surgery or after. I am a little afraid of that. I trust God, and I think I am with a very good hospital and Bariatric team, so...I think I need to chill on that and go to bed since it is 1:06am!
I wanted to update where I'm at...and the journey continues!
