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First off - our twins have names. Fiona Mae & Luna Belle - naming them makes everything feel so much more real. We are excited to meet them in June. 

Still at 155. I have switched to full fat greek yogurt and cheeses and eat all the time ... it is uncomfortable. 

Upside is - I actually want to go to the gym today. 

I'm reflecting on the aspect of our journey that concerns relationships with family and friends. These relationships keep changing for me - but one that has remained steadfast is my relationship with my husband. There have been a few  bumps but we've worked through them. I realize life isn't only about me and I have to actively show that I realize that so that he can feel appreciated and care for as well. 

With other family members it hasn't been so easy. One in particular is my sister. I have had a few issues this year and unfortunately some of them affected her in that I canceled on her a couple times for babysitting her twins. She was angry and more angry that I wouldn't explain myself. I couldn't explain myself because I did not want to share why I just was in no place to go and watch her children when it happened. It's not her business and I will remain resolved to that fact. My issues are my own and her choices on how she handled me during that time are her own. I'm done with it and the drama and am moving on in 2014 without that trouble. I am choosing to relieve my heart of that worry. They do not understand and will never understand even if I spelled it out for them in black and white. I won't bother. 

So moving on and feeling relief. The thing I've realized is that I am a stronger person. I may have been strong before but this transformation and subsequent twin pregnancy have awakened something powerful in me and I recognize that it needs to remain in check but I also realize that I am going to embrace it with all of my heart and continue to soar with success. I want more in my life and I want to learn more and I will. There is no stopping now and things like the issues with familial relationships are distractions. I love my family - I just don't always love the dynamics within our family. 

7.5 months post WLS and will be starting to see weight gain in the next couple of months for my twin pregnancy. 

We found out that we are having healthy girls through a new blood test that is available called MaterniT21. My insurance covered this expensive test as I am 35 years of age. It tests the DNA present in my blood and determines if there is a chance of any Trisomy abnormality and can determine if there is a Y chromosome present or not. There was not - we are having Fraternal Twin Girls!

Today I am focusing on basics with food. I've been indulging in holiday foods in reason. I feel the difference in my body though. I'm not fueled with my optimum nutrition and it's taking it's toll. 

So far it's been Fage Greek Yogurt and Cut seedless watermelon. I recognize that these choices this morning are still packed with carbohydrates but also know that I need them. I experience low blood sugar post WLS and my OB will likely not even test my Glucose levels later on because he was shocked to see my A1C level at 4.2 or 4.5 can't remember right now. Stated my eating blood sugar likely never raise above 90. I'll take it. I experienced insulin resistance while I was super morbidly obese. I was placed on Metformin and never conquered that insulin response because I never stopped consuming processed sugars. I ate candy all day long every day and bread. Lots of bread. These days are very different - but I still have that girl in me. I see sweets and yes I still want them. I just don't want how they make me feel now. 

So back to today's menu. I eat every couple of hours about 100-150 calories. I know I can consume more calories with full fats during these small foods - but they really don't make me feel that great. So my focus is to continue with my greek yogurt for a solid dose of protein - adding as many vegetables as I can to all of these and I would like to increase my protein content through legumes. I do eat meat but only really have a taste for chicken and am having troubles stomaching preparation of the chicken right now. Eggs. I do eat an egg a couple times a week. I think I may have to look to my protein shakes again - but that's difficult too. The smell sends me into dry heaves. I know I need to get my protein consumption up and may have no other choice. Bah. I get frustrated trying to sort it out lately. I have my certain foods in the fridge and just stick to cheese/veggie roll ups / greek yogurt/ salad with low carb/lower fat dressing measured/ beans and cheese/ veggie soups. Yes I do eat soup. I love soup. I try to have the liquid first and then what's inside. Delicious. 

Also I prefer my pouch empty. I don't mind my food not staying there long. I hate feeling full and am okay waiting until the next scheduled meal time. Just little differences I've come to learn about myself. 

There is a reason for all this exhaustion. I went to the ER yesterday morning as I had finally become fed up with these horrible symptoms. I wanted to know what was going on! 

They rehydrated me and did a few tests - only my Iron is a little low and I have already been doubling that supplement for two weeks. 

The ultrasound showed us the reason for how I was feeling. 

My husband and I are expecting TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still in shock. More soon. 

The exhaustion is getting worse. Just getting up out of bed to use the bathroom is making cringe at the effort it entails. I see my surgeon on Wednesday and have already been told I will be switched over to bi-weekly B12 injections. 

I really have no clue how I will make it through five days of work this week. I guess I just have to remember I get to go home eventually and go to  sleep. 

The  gym is out of the question. It's been a week and a half now. I'm going to have to find patience in myself. It's tearing me up inside how strong I was just two weeks ago and how weak I am today and have been feeling. This is hard. I don't even want to eat. 

Supplements were gagged down today. I'm getting worn down. 

I have slept for a few hours and am wide awake again. I cannot use my APAP machine right now and need to pick up some Benedryl and try again tomorrow night. It's wearing me down. I feel agitated and I am making poor food choices. 

All I wish for is some sleep. Some very restful sleep. I am not doing  so great being unable to manage my pain without anything but Tylenol but I guess I can say I am managing. Not very well though at night it seems.

I am anxious to hear about all of my blood work from the OB's office. I am anxious to go on the 9th to see my doctor as I'm told he will likely confirm the pregnancy with an early ultrasound. I am anxious because I'm much older than I thought I would be having more children. I spent 7 years home with our kids not working managing our lives on my husband's income. I finally this year after surgery and a loss of 110 pounds (now 120) went back to work and am fit enough to keep my body working a 10 hour day. Finally earning some money and can finally pay for my daughter's braces and send us on a few vacations in the next year. Plus baby. 

It's just a little frustrating that I spent so much time where I would have been able to raise a baby all the way through school age before having to separate. Now - I will have our baby and return to work in 12 weeks. Just frustrated with the separating so early part. My first daughter was only 3 weeks old when I returned to work. It effected me with depression and anxiety. My exhusband chose to quit his job at that time and it left me with no choice but to return to work. We had to pay our rent. I have plenty of time to work all of this out - but I know already some changes may need to be made to my work schedule. It's just life. 

I will get over this and be stronger. I am so grateful for our little one. I am excited for him or her. I just worry about everything and it's wearing me down. 

Don't even know what to say right now but I need to tell people that will understand. When we have our surgery we're told that we shouldn't become pregnant for at least 18 months to maximize our weight loss window. I'm only six months from surgery just a few days ago. I've lost 114 pounds but I'm scared of what's going to be coming. For my 35th birthday I found out this morning that I am expecting our fourth child. We tried for 8 years with no luck. We had our blended family and truly didn't think we'd ever conceive together. We did. I'm going to continue my workouts and see the doctor. I need a new game plan. Scared to lose my progress. 

I'm losing again. 10/20 to now it was steady. Down four today and I'm pleased. It's been every other month since surgery where I have about a three week pause in loss. Not too bad. 

Work is going well. I believe I am performing well. My coworkers seem happy and receptive to me. Helpful too. So far so good in that arena. 

Had my 6 month post op check with the surgeon yesterday. I haven't had any real trouble since surgery so these visits are very quick and I'm always ahead of the schedule on the weight loss. He said two more visits at 9 months and 12 months and then we can talk about maintenance and surgery options for the skin. I feel like I'm passing this time very fast and perhaps I won't be ready when the time comes for plastics. I am not sure what my insurance will cover in the end and my savings is so paltry that it may be some time before I see the surgeries I'd like to have. I want my tummy lifted - my breasts lifted and filled and my thighs lifted. I am undecided on my arms even though I know there is plenty of extra skin there to remove. I am worried about those scars. 

I had more to say but now I am drawing a blank. Currently in the process of a month long planking challenge we're doing through Bariatric Kitchen's Facebook page. That's both difficult and fun. Never knew how hard it was to do that! My work outs are still steady but I am realizing I really need to let my body heal sometimes. I would go daily and twice sometimes and there is such a thing as too much. I still do two times a day sometimes. But I'm working a day of rest in here and there to keep me healthy. I can jog now but in intervals and can probably do about five minutes straight atm. I can go for an hour on the elliptical and many other in gym cardio options but biking and running on the streets is always harder and I go slower. This translates to me feeling like I didn't do as well when that simply isn't the truth. Trying to work on my inner voice and stop playing head games with myself. 

Ah food. I definitely dump from sugar. It also causes me to retain water and not eliminate very much until it all goes at once. Horrible horrible symptoms and its happened now a couple times with prepared food I didn't realize had sugar in the recipe at another's home. Sneaky sneaky stuff. Today is good and will be good - very focused and measuring my portions. Grazing is a big no no. Don't start. Staying out of the kitchen aside from meal and meal prep times. I have to! Working all my tricks and pulling out the stops to put my mind in the right place. Only a few weeks until battle and by battle I mean holiday dinner. Rawr~~!

I'm faced with a few undesirable realities at the moment. I know parents have dealt with this stuff and still do and successfully. Some deal with really far worse issues but at the moment this is our issue and its frustrating the hell out of me. My girls are 13. We've laid down the law many times on social network use/text & email use/no boyfriends until 16 and we meet them first/proper on line use etc. They just don't care and do what they want. They both are chatting to people / have boyfriends when we told them no texting/chatting online or on a phone until they are 16. These are our rules and we have them because we want them to stay safe. This issue and lying in general are my main point of contention and it's eating at me. It's got me in a really bad place and I'm feeling weak. I feel weak because I am wanting really bad foods and it reeks of self-sabotage. I do not want to eat bad foods so I decided to get on here and start writing. I need to keep writing because I am afraid I will cope with food. Weak/afraid/negatives I have a lot of negative statements here and my husband is pretty stressed by me too. I'm just so upset with them and I wish I could trust them but right now I just don't know how to trust them. One has been asking to go for a walk a lot more lately. Turns out the boyfriend lives three streets over by the School. See what I mean? This is bad news!!! 13 year olds ALONE !! Just reading that sounds ridiculous but I really am horrified by it because there are so many young pregnancies and even though we've had the sex talk - OH MY GOD - what if something happened!!! I'm really freaking out. I even wrote to the boy and asked him to have his mom call me so I could talk to her about the situation and just make her aware of what was going on and what I don't want to happen again. Sick to my stomach at the thought of what could have happened. I mean I really don't even know what happened! She liked to take walks with the dog or her sister and I just never thought in a million years she was doing it to go meet up with someone!!! 

Shit. I need to relax. When I need meditation the most I really cannot apply it practically. I'm going to have to work this out and figure out a way to be okay and feel okay as a mom and still work out a living loving relationship with my daughter and stepdaughter. Sometimes it makes me want them to take a long stay with their other parents because I'm just getting so burned out. I told them I don't know how much more I can do this year. I have lost 109 pounds since spring of this year. I have regained fitness I had thought was lost to me forever. I have retained employment so that I could pay for one of my daughter's braces and I'm actually making a living wage and for once in a long while I finally feel like I'm going to be okay. Why then does this shit have to come flying at me from left field? I'm just angry that these people - my closest family. My girls. Could be so dishonest when I was counting on them the most. 

I'm tired and angry and it's making me feel weak. I have to keep typing. Sip some water. Wonder what the hell I'm going to do. Consider a long vacation. Far away. In my daydreams maybe. Maybe I got all of this wrong. Why do I think the worst? Wish they would just treat me respectfully. Lying to me is really disrespectful. Sneaking to see a boy alone is not acceptable at 13 years old. I don't care if I sound like a prude. They've been told they won't be this young forever and they will have plenty of time to do as they please. Just not yet! 

This isn't your typical WLS post but rather a mom rambling on here instead of choosing poor foods to pacify my angst. I've come to far to fuck this up! Seriously. I need to woman up and get on with this. They are the ones that made the poor choice. It doesn't have to be my poor choice and I don't have feel bad because they made a mistake. It's their mistake. Not mine. This final revelation is helping me tremendously. Why should I punish myself? The stress is horrible on my body and it's going to hurt me. I don't want to hurt me. I want to have the healthy energetic in control me. I am in control and I plan to stay that way. They may face the great great world all they want after they're 18 but for now I'm charged with their care and safety and intend to keep them as safe as I can. Now to keep my newly trimmer body safe. More water. Maybe I will have a tea. Sounds relaxing. 

I  just had treatment on my legs yesterday at Allure Medical Spa with Dr. Mok in Michigan. The criteria for the insurance covering the treatment of the varicose veins specifically includes whether or not there is a measurable/visable reflux on the vein when ultrasound is used to map the veins. I didn't have this issue when it was tested but experience some of the others - pain / burning on activity etc. They were able to get the insurance to cover the treatment of the one vericose in the end and the rest were my responsibility at 200 per treatment. 

My spider veins were also treated. 200 per treatment of 20 minutes - with a 2 month healing between treatments. I was informed that each treatment (by injection) has an efficacy of about 25-30 % reduction of the vein and most need between 2 and 4 treatments. This is not laser treatment - this is an injection treatment to remove the veins. They also told me that they look worse before they start looking better during the healing process. I am wearing compression stockings for a full 48 hours after (which are awful for a WLS patient with extra skin; it's been so uncomfortable around my thighs because it's pinching the skin in certain positions. I was able to continue with my workout plans after treatment  even if cumbersome because of the tights. I've opted not to work out today but I'm going to have to get used to these tights as I still have 2 weeks after the 48 hours to wear them day time only. 

All in all my experience was ok. The injections hurt the most behind the knee. They are similar in size to receiving the injections during allergy testing if you've ever had that. Short needles that work very shallow for the med assistant to inject the surface spider veins etc. One type with glycerine that they use on the little red veins burned the most. 

I know I will need at least one or two more treatments and I'm not looking forward to wearing these compression stockings again - but I do want clear legs when I get to goal so I can finally wear shorts. I want to wear shorts and skirts and I want to be free and feeling good about the look of my legs. I will deal with the discomfort because it's worth it to me. 

Biggest complaint: Compression Stockings. 

I found out yesterday afternoon that I got the job I interviewed for this week! I knew that if I could just get to that working interview I could show an office how knowledgeable I am and how well I interact with patients. 

Most of the ladies that work at this office have been there for years and years. This made me really interested in this position. It shows they have a healthy and productive work environment. Stable comes to mind. It made it a very sweet deal. 

Just have a Tuberculosis test this morning and as soon as we have those results my boss directed me to call for my first day of training. I should be working by early next week! It still feels a little unreal - the first paycheck may send the message home that I'm now working to improve my family's future. The list of expenses is long and with three teenagers it's just getting longer as we approach proms and graduations and college! We still won't be rolling in the money but my contributions will make everything a lot better. I'm still a little amazed that we made it almost 7 years on one income. We've come a long way. 

5/10/2013 - 9/10/2013 98 lbs lost and job attained. Also: Previous Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was sentenced to 28 years in prison today. I'm sad for his children but happy for Detroit. Nice strong message that people will not get away with taking advantage of their positions at the citizens' expense. I wonder what the next five months will bring.